Well, last nite we went to wifes dad's house for dinner. He's remarried and has 3 young kids. She was very very uptight and finally told me she had to tell them we were separated. I told her if she wanted to that's ok but to be fair to me she also had to tell them about her affair.
So, she did. She basically said to them "we're separated, and I met someone else".
They have never been very supportive of her, and they did the same crap they would do, "well these things happen, we will be here for both of you, blah blah."
Wife was pretty emotionally neutral durnig the whole discussion.
When we got home she was pretty angry. Step-mother told her privately "I can see you have really, really hurt Frank, so be careful he isn't spiteful, maybe you should get a lawyer, etc." Father in law told me 'she was just like her mother, runs away' and 'I need to stay in touch and involved with his family since he is my kids grandfather'. Amazing how his issues from his divorce 17 years ago came through.
Wife said that she felt like she was being judged, was a 'whore' for having an affair and that if I wanted her to move out she would. I was pretty hurt, as I have been, so I agreed that maybe she should. We talked about her moving out, how would it work, what about taking care of the kids, etc. She said she "Frank, I don't love you any more". Then corrected herself and said 'I am not in love with you, I love you in a different way'.
We went to bed as it was getting late, and I went to her room to tell her that I didn't think she was a 'whore' but that she was always a person of integrity who was coping with a tough time in her life and doing what she thinks is right for her.
Next morning we went for a walk together so we could talk. She had thought about moving out and was angry because she didn't think it was fair to the kids since her being gone would hurt them a lot. I also thought the same thing and said I was just hurt and angry and didn't want her to move either. I said if I couldn't stand living here I would move out. So, for now we will live together still.
We also talked about how our old relationship was crappy. She said she had lost respect for me a couple years ago because I stayed in my depression so long, and was drinking, rarely happy and not helping myself or letting her help me. She said that I was NOT the man she married. She had decided for the last couple years she would stick it out and try to make it work but finally couldn't do it any more. She felt that by leaving, that was the best chance for us to heal ourselves. Meeting OM and feeling the feelings she has been in with him was not expected but gave her the energy to move forward and leave. Even though I have done everything I needed to do to fix myself now, she had already given up and just doesn't want to try to make it work any more.
We stopped during our walk and she stood close, looked me in the eyes and said 'I am letting you go, I am severing the threads that hold us together.' She asked me to do the same for her and I told her I did. I said that our old relationship was dead, and anything from now on is what we make of it. I told her it's very important to me that we learn to be friends, that having that relationship between us was good for our kids, and ultimately for us both since we have so much history and experience between us. I also feel it is important to me to learn how to love unconditionally, without my ego involved. She said she thinks so too, and that she really does believe that we will be much better off in our lives, and better for each other if we are not in a comitted relationship. I agreed with her on this because it has been so obvious that our old relationship was unhealthy. I stopped myself from saying 'maybe we'll be together again some day' and just stuck with the idea of learning to become friends. Right now that seems to be all that is left for us.
So, we have made a commitment to learn to be friends while we are living together.
As we were walking some more she asked me about what I did on friday night. I went out and didn't come home till 1:30 am. I also dressed up nice. She asked me if I had a date? I said "hmm, you're jealous!" and she said 'No just curious'. Then she said "I would be very happy if you found somebody to date". I told her I went out with some friends, and that right now I wasn't going to date anybody because I wasn't emotionally able. She said she knows I'll find someone some day. I told her that it would be someone like the person she is becoming.
We talked more about how to be 'friends' and she said that she felt very guilty about how she has been feeling good while everyone else is feeling bad. OM has been an emotional high she feels very guilty for having. She feels like she shouldn't be 'happy' while everyone around her is hurting. She said she doesn't know how long it will last and she want's to feel it as much as she can because she missed feeling 'in love' and thought she would never feel it again. I told her that she really deserved to feel these feelings and she should let herself. She started to cry and said she didn't think she deserved it after what she has done but is trying to live in the moment. I think she feels on some level that what she is doing is wrong, and is not the right way to end a marriage.
She said we never connected together on a deeper level because neither of us knew how to, which is pretty true. Our family backgrounds were very emotionally superficial and we always had a small barrier to totally letting go and feeling the deeper love. I think she still feels that way about herself but the 'in love' feelings make her think she is getting beyond it. OM is apparently also in the same boat, hasn't been feeling his life, in a relationship he wanted to end but couldn't. Apparently his (ex) girlfriends brother died recently from drinking himself to death and OM has had to be supportive of her while still ending the relationship. She still lives in the same house with him.
We talked about doing more things together 'as a family' and she agreed, and also said that we do need to do things on our own too.
Talking about being 'friends' I said we have a barrier between us that was starting to come down until she went to go see OM last weekend, and now she has built a wall between us. She said she wanted to change that, so we could learn to forgive each other for hurting each other for so long. She agreed to go see our counselor together so we can address the old hurts and forgive them, then we will able to be friends and move on.
The rest of our talk was pretty light hearted. We had a few laughs and talked about the kids, and how our counselor told me how strong they are and that they will get through this and not be permanantly scarred like we were by our parents problems. Counselor says we have been excellent parents given our childhoods and our lives.
So what does this mean to me? Saying to her 'I let you go' was hard because I had to mean it. From her perspective there is no getting back together, there is just moving apart, being as friendly as possible. She's still hurt and angry but wants to do what needs to be done to heal that. She pretty much blames me for most of it, which I can understand since no matter how you look at it I didn't take care of myself and she suffered for it. That's something I have to forgive myself for. As far as OM is concerned, she has her own doubts as to how real it is or how long it will last but she will hold on as long as she can because of the feelings she want's to experience. My feeling is that if she has doubts, then it's not as important as I have been thinking it was.
The more we try to control another, the less control we have. I keep thinking 'if only I wait it out...' but right now I am not in a place where I can risk myself emotionally. I need to learn to give and receive love on a deeper level than I have so far in my life. I think that alone will be the factor that prevents us from ever being in our marriage again because she will always sense it if it is missing in me.
I guess I'm not really sure what this all means. It seems like a final 'goodbye' to all that was between us, and starting from scratch with no intentions other than to just get along as reasonable friends. I hope the counseling will help us to forgive the past. I'm sad because I feel like it really ended forever today.
I would like to hear what others who have been in this kind of sitch think.
