Thanks for the suggestion. I do plan on asking some reasonable questions once I'm not so upset...most likely in our MC's office tomorrow. Right now I'm still seeing red.
My main issue with what he was doing is that he was lying to me about it, it's not so much that he was viewing it (except for the fact that I'm not reaping any benefits from it). I had asked him several times in the past if he ever viewed porn, and even told him that it was ok if he did as long as it wasn't hidden from me and I, as I said, reaped the benefit.
He did assure me that there wasn't anyone else, at which time I told him that's good...because if I ever found out there was, that would be the end of our M....If he chose to have an A with someone then I wouldn't allow him back in my life. He knows that means HE would be finding himself a new place to live and he wouldn't have interaction with our S on a regular basis either. I didn't say that, but he knows it. I'm staying away from D talk though, because it's not what either of us wants.
Hi GEL Could it be your H wanted you to find out about the porn but was just too embarrassed to actually say it? So instead, you "accidentally" walked in on him? I know you said things were getting somewhat better lately. Also, do you think his looking at porn is a new exploration or that he has been hiding this for a long time? LFL
If I had come home at my normal time I wouldn't hesitate to say that I thought he wanted to get caught, but I came home almost an hour earlier than I normally do and walked in pretty much unexpectedly on him. So honestly, I don't think he meant to be caught, not right now anyway.
As far as his viewing porn, we had a similar situation earlier this summer that he excused away, one which I didn't wholly buy his story on, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt on anyway. He says now that he's only been viewing this stuff for the past several weeks, but because I've brought the issue up to him within this time-frame and gave him the opportunity to be honest with me about it....I don't know. He could have been viewing it for quite some time.
All I really know is the fact that he's lied to me about it, was viewing it with our son running around, and still for the most part isn't stepping up to the plate sexually speaking....woke up that screaming banshee that lives deep down within me. If I could have turned him to dust on the spot, I would have.
Lying and deception is a HUGE deal to me.
Something I did find interesting while I was letting loose on him yesterday was that he would often say "I had that coming" or "I deserved that".
I don't want you guys to think that we are on the brink of D here, we aren't. I know we will work through this too, and do (even through my anger and hurt feelings) view this as probably a necessary step for us.
I'm sorry that you are so hurt and angry right now. However, I do think that this is probably a necessary hurdle for real healing in your M. As long as things are hidden (whether recent or for a long time) you can't really get past them. KWIM? Right now get enough control of yourself so that you don't make situation worse. Hang in there until the Counseling.
I would keep looking into this, if I were you. Keep prodding and see what you find.
His history has never made sense to me. I mean, a guy who has one shrewish ex wife, sure, but 3 or 4 experiences that are all traumatizing and the women's fault? Hmmmmmm.
I wonder if he has gotten into the habit of shutting women out sexually at some point in the R and turning to porn to get his needs met.
He wouldn't be the first guy and you are strong enough to work through it, either way.
Viewing it in front of your little boy is fcukin inexcusable.
Let me know how the MC goes tomorrow. Should be interesting!!
P.S. Thanks for the pics of Ian; they were adorable as usual.
Actually I think it was the mere fact that he was viewing this with Ian running around that set me off like a screaming banshee (minus the screaming part)....it was inappropriate and inexcusable.
He and I are going to be having A LOT more discussion about this....I wish I could have actually talked to him about it more last night but I was just way too angry....I couldn't look at him and had a hard time remaining in the same room with him for several hours.
Oh don't worry....keeping control of myself is something I'm very good at LOL. There are things even yesterday I could have said, that I couldn't take back....but I willed myself to not say them. You know stuff like "pack your sh!t and get out!"....was on the tip o my tongue, but I wouldn't say it.
A suggestion, you may let him do all of the talking initially at the MC session and see if he truly realizes himself already everything he did wrong, kwim? Just a suggestion.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
So much was said last night that I just couldn't include it all without writing a novellette....but that was one of them.
When he asked me "what do you want me to do" that was one of the things...."I'm done doing all the talking to get things going in our sessions, Wed YOU had better be ready to start talking because YOU are going to be the one doing it....unless a question is asked of me by our MC." I told him I'm no longer buying the "I don't know" answers, that I'm sick of them and that he does know the answers to the questions that are asked of him because they are inside of him, so he'd better start providing them.
His response was "I know I've got to stop thinking about it and start doing it."....to which I responded "DAMN RIGHT!"
Did I mention I was pissed?
BTW...this type of pissed for me is kind of like Haleys Comet, it comes around very rarely....but it's definitely a force of nature!
