Well folks...had a BIG event in the GEL household last night that required me setting a REALLY firm boundary.
I came home unexpectedly early yesterday afternoon to find my H looking at porn video on our computer with our son running around. I came in the door very quickly and my H was caught off guard, so I could see EXACTLY what he was looking at and watched as he closed out....he was caught red-handed viewing what he's told me in the past he NEVER views....with our son running around in the same room.
I was taken off guard as I walked in....but I asked him "what is that?" and got "a video", I said "I can see that, but you told me you don't look at that kind of stuff....but you're watching that with our son running around in the same room?" At this point I don't remember what his response was but it was one of playing it down.
Now normally, I would have gotten hurt and internalized an awful lot of this, but this time I didn't.....I got really ANGRY. I headed towards our bedroom to put my stuff up and with each step I became more and more angry to the point that by the time I reached the bathroom.....I punched a hole in the wall. Now, let me say at this point, I'm not a violent person....it takes a lot of pain for me to get this angry, I've been this way 3 times in my entire life....I literally was seeing red, so forgive me....I won't remember much of the conversation as I usually do.
I stayed in the bedroom trying to control myself for a few minutes, obviously my LDH would have heard me punch the wall, I was just standing there and shaking. He came into the bedroom to try to say "I'm sorry" and I just pushed him away, I couldn't stand him touching me and he kept trying to hold me....so I do remember "unless you want me to deck you right here and now you'd better back the fcuk off!!!" I never yelled at him though, because our son was around....but I was shaking, red, and shooting lasers with my eyes....oh yeah, and cussing (which I normally don't do either).
I was soooo hurt to find him viewing that material....and it wasn't like it was professional "fantasy girl" type material it was your normal everyday woman....someone I would be comparable to. That hurt! It was the fact that I'd asked him time and time again "do you ever use porn, if you do...I don't mind, but don't hide it from me, with a response of "No I never do that."....THAT hurt! It was the fact that with his behavior over the last several weeks I thought we were really making a step forward....THAT hurt! It was I felt he was making a fool out of me....THAT hurt! I do remember telling him all of those things....and then I remember looking him dead in the eye and very seriously saying "DO YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO WORK?!" His answer was a very quick YES!!! in an almost panicky manner. I was literally on the verge of telling him to get out....but stapled my mouth shut and didn't say that, because I do not want a divorce and do still love him...I would have been saying that out of hurt.
Anyway....he kept trying to tell me "I know how you feel", well...that wasn't the right thing to say to me because I let into him on that. I recall saying something like "You can't possibly know what it feels like to be a woman and have the man in your life ignore you sexually unless you beg for it!!! I have NEVER, NOT ONCE UNTIL I MET YOU been ignored in the bedroom, NOT ONCE been turned down for sex by a man until I met you!!! So don't even try to tell me you know how it feels to be a woman who is sexually ignored by her husband and then comes home to see him viewing porn....YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW, because if you did you couldn't have done this to me. At this point he said another wrong thing...."well maybe you've never been with someone who'se experienced what I have in the past." Well, lets say that set me off again and he got an earful about what I'VE experienced in my own past (primarily about a very abusive (sexually, verbally, & mentally) 1st husband)...and about how patient I had been with my H because I knew he had issues (for the past three years). I told him I had been more than patient with him, but that HE was the one not willing to deal with his issues. Keep in mind folks this entire conversation....was with me as one really pissed off woman, I was still shaking and shooting lasers and I wouldn't let him touch me at all.
He knew I was absolutely dead serious that he was walking really precarious ground with me and our M right then and asked me "tell me what you want me to do", I responded something like "you know what to do, but you won't do it. You have to step up and take care of your issues, I can't and won't do that for you." "I don't think it's unreasonable for me to expect that my H would want me sexually and show it, I don't think I'm unreasonable to want my H to completely initiate instead of me having to beg you for sex." If you can't do these things then you'd better get ok with me getting my needs met elsewhere....because it's this crap that sends people out looking to have their needs met by someone else. So you'd either better get ok with me having an affair, or you'd better get ok divorced....because one of the two things WILL happen unless you step up....and I'm not someone whose likely to have an affair, so you figure that one out."
I also remember at one point that his viewing that material meant he was avoiding ME, he was getting some need met through that material that "I" should be meeting and that I wouldn't have a problem with him viewing that stuff if.....#1 I knew he did it, #2 I was included, #3 he was meeting my needs....but none of those three things were happening.
Right now I'm at a place where I still don't want him anywhere near me. He knows though that when we go to our MC's office tomorrow afternoon....he's going to have to start doing some real work and he's going to have to start opening up to her. I've had it with his avoidance, I've had it with feeling like I'm being made a fool of, and I've had it with living in a virtually sexless M when I now know my H does get his needs met without me.
We'll get through this, but right now.....I NEED A PUNCHING BAG!!!
