We spoke with our MC last night, and things were so much more upbeat in this session than they have been.
Our MC observed that there appeared to be a weight lifted from my H, that's a good way to put it too. He's much more relaxed...I noticed he even relates to her and I with a different tone in his voice than had been there before, his body language is more relaxed as well....it's not so serious and somber, his face isn't stressed either.
We discussed what has been different and I had the opportunity to let them both know that I had really seen this change in him since he came home and told me about his bad review. My H went on and on about his review, work, and some of the things discussed there....he told me as well that in the past he wouldn't have even mentioned it to me (I think I mentioned in another post that I thought that as well.) Interestingly enough our MC had the same observation I did.....and that was that he was connecting what was being told to him at work, in this review, to his home life as well. She told him the fact that he had actually listened to this guy who was giving him a bad review, who was telling him things he normally would have gotten really angry over (and would have stopped listening at that point), and who was someone he'd clashed with often in the past was a real break-through for him. He'd worked his way past all of that stuff to hear what this guy was saying and problem solve his way through it. She told him that was HUGE! I must agree.
I hadn't ever really asked him if he had noticed the parallel between what his boss said to him and what our MC and I had been telling him, but in her office I asked simply out of curiosity. He said "I don't think I paid attention to it really, but there was a part of me that knew it....and I can see that now."
Of course our MC asked me how I was feeling about this change as well, so I was honest. I told her that his behavior really threw me off balance and I'm still trying to regain it. I'm enjoying the behavior, it's what I've asked of him (and I've validated that to him) it's just that because in the past everything has gone sooooooo slowly that when this BIG change happened so very fast it threw me off....I didn't expect it. It was literally like he came home that one day and was a different man. Yes, the same man I fell in love with...but it was like he'd let that man out completely that I would only get little glimpses of in the past for very short periods of time. THIS is what I'm needing, I just didn't expect it to happen BAM! She explained that for some people it can work that way...that one day something changes for them, they just "get it" and they make the change immediately....whereas in the past they might be trying little things but they either really don't "get it" or haven't accepted it yet.
She also agreed that it very well could have been a combination of the time we spent together recently over the holidays and my "dontgiveashititis" (I told her my two pet names for that period of time) and his review that may have been part of the catalyst for him. I guess for us....it was almost a perfect storm of sorts. We were forced together for a period of time when I was completely withdrawn from him, so I wasn't making any efforts to get close to him so it became even more evident that he would have to make efforts, and then someone completely removed from our situation told him the same things (only work related) that we had been telling him about our situation as well.
Now, while I do see great improvements....I'm fully expecting road-bumps still. This behavior hasn't continued long enough yet for me to consider it a permanent change. But whether it's a permanent change, or a temporary one it's a HUGE improvement and a great step forward for us.
On a side note...I mentioned this web site to our MC. I told her I had been participating for quite some time on it (my H actually knew how long, which surprised me a little...I didn't know he even paid attention LOL) and that my H knew all about it. She asked me which board I was on and I told her divorcebusting.com....she'd heard of it, not surprising. She said she hadn't actually come out here yet but wanted to take a look at the site and get my opinion of it as well. I told her that it's a wonderful place for people who are struggling to find support and know they aren't alone in what feels like a very lonely place in their M, especially for women (I'm not discounting men in this, it's just as a woman you feel like you must be some type of a freak if your man doesn't want to have sex with you). You receive support, you get ideas, you receive feedback, and you receive reality checks when people think you are the one out of line...it's also a safe place to vent when venting at home at that time might not be the best thing to do. She was highly supportive of my participation and thinks it's an excellent tool to use as long as the person doesn't substitute this BB for communication in their M (which I and I know many of you...will agree with.) She said some of her other clients had mentioned this website to her....but none had really told her what it was about. She now plans on purchasing Michelle's books to add to her library of recommendations (after she reads them of course) and adding this website to her list of recommended tools as well. I have to admit...that made me feel really good.
Well that's about it for this journal entry. 2006 is starting off really well in the GEL household...here's hoping it stays that way
