This new behavior in my H is really taking me by suprise, and I didn't expect that. I've found myself thinking about it quite a bit today. I'm finally getting from him what I've been asking so long for, and it feels awkward to me in some ways....I guess you could say it's wierd & wonderful at the same time. I think I was truly beginning to doubt if I would ever see the man come out of him that I kept glimpsing.
I'm sure I'm falling into the same thing that many people fall into...."when's the other shoe going drop?" All I can say is that THIS time, things are nothing like his past efforts. In the past his efforts have been small, timid, kind of sticking his toe in the water to test the temperature type of attempts.
I've done some thinking about what was done differently between his last timid attempts and this new behavior. Well, obviously I went through my "giveadamnsbusted" stage and completely withdrew for a bit because I needed to. It wasn't something I had any control over really, it was merely a place I found myself after trying for so long in so many ways. Many of you have found, or are finding yourselves currently, in the same spot. But you know what I continued doing during that time? Communicating....but it wasn't just communication, it was blunt communication, it was specific and in many ways it was directions for him. It was "I need you to do xyz for me to feel special to you", it was getting to the point that I said what I felt and what was on my mind and stopped worrying about his reaction to it. It was me getting to the point that I stopped holding in my resentment and said what I meant and didn't sugar coat it.
Now, for us I think there's a combination of things that happened.
#1 I completely backed off of him, this gave him the time and space to come to me. It gave him the time to see I had stopped all of my past physical/affectionate behavior towards him. I wasn't a B!tch to him of course, but I simply didn't feel the urge to go to him in any way. Noticing my change in behavior was more than just temporary meant he had to do some work if things were going to get better...and if I wasn't going to come to him then he had to figure out how to come to me. Right about this time is when he started spending more time with me one-on-one, dates.
#2 He received a not so great review at work. Now normally, this wouldn't be a great thing...but in our case I may just chalk this up to a turning point for him. This review period came at just the right time....and he saw the problems he was experiencing at work were largely his own fault and I know (because I saw it in his face) that he realized he was doing the same thing at home. His Manager told him that he jumped to the defensive all the time, even when it was unnecessary, and that he resisted their guidance when people tried to help him out. These are things I know he's heard from me, and from our MC. I think hearing it in that environment made things come full-circle in away for him. His Manager was telling him the same things that our MC and I were telling him...I think it was then that he realized that he was being his own worst enemy.
#3 All of this sort of came to fruition when he and I had an opportunity to spend time together for several days. We had both taken almost 2-weeks off work for the Holidays and managed to work in at least 4 complete days of time where we spent the entire day together, just us....our S was in day care where he would have fun playing with his friends, and Dad and I had the opportunity to get to know each other again. We went out to lunch and talked, we went to the movies, we went Christmas shopping....it was like we were dating again in many ways. Even on our trip we took time away from my family, took our S with us and went exploring....just took our time and had fun.
Now, it's been since we returned from our vacation....and he's had his review (so it's been the last week or so) that things have drastically changed. But I honestly think that it was a combination of all of this that has made a HUGE difference.
I truly do believe though that had I not gone through the absolute hell of that "mygiveadamnsbusted" period of time that he wouldn't have really seen how little he was doing in our R. I needed to get to that point in order to not feel like I had to rush towards him if he stuck that little toe in to test the water. For my H I really believe I had to come to a complete resting stop before he would have ever taken that step towards me.
We had another really nice evening together last night...and surprise suprise, my H came to bed naked again last night. I honestly cannot recall a time he did that two nights in a row.
He walked up and hugged/kissed/stroked me several times last night, told me what a wonderful woman I am and how lucky he was to have me.....yes, my H was actually telling me how he feels about me!! The comment that stuck out to me the most was when he said "you make me feel good in ways I never knew you could." That was a WOW moment for me.
I can't believe the amazing turnaround he's done in such a short time. Unbelievable.
I'm so happy for you and appreciate you journaling the process out. I find that my own was eerily similar and maybe this will help others. Though you can't really time or formulate or plan when your giveadamn will bust, it helps to know that the steps are similar in two LDH's turnarounds.
You crack me up girl! When I was writing that post I thought "they're going to think I'm making this stuff up!" LOL. I'm not though, and I'm in as much disbelief as I think some people will be who might read about it.
Right now I find myself not trusting what he's doing because it is such a DRASTIC turnaround for him. I'm enjoying it, but I can feel a part of myself internally holding him at arms length waiting for that other shoe to drop too. I'm working very hard at keeping that internal because I do see (and feel hehehe) the efforts from him....this time it honestly feels like a genuine change, not an effort. You of all people I know will relate to that.
One thing I want to ad here is his behavior the last few days is like he has been very sexually loving towards you. Do you think he may feel any rejection at all because that first night you were to tired for anything to happen? It also seems like maybe he may have wanted something to happen to the last couple nights. It is so hard for us to figure out the LD spouse. Expecially when they don't always come out and say anything bluntly about wanting sex or being horny.
We spoke with our MC last night, and things were so much more upbeat in this session than they have been.
Our MC observed that there appeared to be a weight lifted from my H, that's a good way to put it too. He's much more relaxed...I noticed he even relates to her and I with a different tone in his voice than had been there before, his body language is more relaxed as well....it's not so serious and somber, his face isn't stressed either.
We discussed what has been different and I had the opportunity to let them both know that I had really seen this change in him since he came home and told me about his bad review. My H went on and on about his review, work, and some of the things discussed there....he told me as well that in the past he wouldn't have even mentioned it to me (I think I mentioned in another post that I thought that as well.) Interestingly enough our MC had the same observation I did.....and that was that he was connecting what was being told to him at work, in this review, to his home life as well. She told him the fact that he had actually listened to this guy who was giving him a bad review, who was telling him things he normally would have gotten really angry over (and would have stopped listening at that point), and who was someone he'd clashed with often in the past was a real break-through for him. He'd worked his way past all of that stuff to hear what this guy was saying and problem solve his way through it. She told him that was HUGE! I must agree.
I hadn't ever really asked him if he had noticed the parallel between what his boss said to him and what our MC and I had been telling him, but in her office I asked simply out of curiosity. He said "I don't think I paid attention to it really, but there was a part of me that knew it....and I can see that now."
Of course our MC asked me how I was feeling about this change as well, so I was honest. I told her that his behavior really threw me off balance and I'm still trying to regain it. I'm enjoying the behavior, it's what I've asked of him (and I've validated that to him) it's just that because in the past everything has gone sooooooo slowly that when this BIG change happened so very fast it threw me off....I didn't expect it. It was literally like he came home that one day and was a different man. Yes, the same man I fell in love with...but it was like he'd let that man out completely that I would only get little glimpses of in the past for very short periods of time. THIS is what I'm needing, I just didn't expect it to happen BAM! She explained that for some people it can work that way...that one day something changes for them, they just "get it" and they make the change immediately....whereas in the past they might be trying little things but they either really don't "get it" or haven't accepted it yet.
She also agreed that it very well could have been a combination of the time we spent together recently over the holidays and my "dontgiveashititis" (I told her my two pet names for that period of time) and his review that may have been part of the catalyst for him. I guess for us....it was almost a perfect storm of sorts. We were forced together for a period of time when I was completely withdrawn from him, so I wasn't making any efforts to get close to him so it became even more evident that he would have to make efforts, and then someone completely removed from our situation told him the same things (only work related) that we had been telling him about our situation as well.
Now, while I do see great improvements....I'm fully expecting road-bumps still. This behavior hasn't continued long enough yet for me to consider it a permanent change. But whether it's a permanent change, or a temporary one it's a HUGE improvement and a great step forward for us.
On a side note...I mentioned this web site to our MC. I told her I had been participating for quite some time on it (my H actually knew how long, which surprised me a little...I didn't know he even paid attention LOL) and that my H knew all about it. She asked me which board I was on and I told her divorcebusting.com....she'd heard of it, not surprising. She said she hadn't actually come out here yet but wanted to take a look at the site and get my opinion of it as well. I told her that it's a wonderful place for people who are struggling to find support and know they aren't alone in what feels like a very lonely place in their M, especially for women (I'm not discounting men in this, it's just as a woman you feel like you must be some type of a freak if your man doesn't want to have sex with you). You receive support, you get ideas, you receive feedback, and you receive reality checks when people think you are the one out of line...it's also a safe place to vent when venting at home at that time might not be the best thing to do. She was highly supportive of my participation and thinks it's an excellent tool to use as long as the person doesn't substitute this BB for communication in their M (which I and I know many of you...will agree with.) She said some of her other clients had mentioned this website to her....but none had really told her what it was about. She now plans on purchasing Michelle's books to add to her library of recommendations (after she reads them of course) and adding this website to her list of recommended tools as well. I have to admit...that made me feel really good.
Well that's about it for this journal entry. 2006 is starting off really well in the GEL household...here's hoping it stays that way
Good questions, but no he said (because I did ask a few nights) that he was too tired to ML he really just wanted to snuggle with me. I can understand why you asked that, but his behavior started while it was that time-o-da-month for me. Neither of us are very into ML during that time.
Tonight however is a different story...I told him last night that my internal remodeling would be completed today....he said OKAY!
Actually though I think this brief period of him acting more sexual towards me has been really good. In the past he'd voiced that everything had to lead to sex (he was projecting onto me, because I never have believed that but his X said it to him alot). So now he can see that he can be sexually playful like he has been with me and I don't expect it means we have to jump into bed.
It also has the added benefit for me of...if he's sexually playful and wants more...then he will have to be a bit more aggressive to take it there if I don't. He's getting more aggressive too.
The comment that stuck out to me the most was when he said "you make me feel good in ways I never knew you could." That was a WOW moment for me.