This new behavior in my H is really taking me by suprise, and I didn't expect that. I've found myself thinking about it quite a bit today. I'm finally getting from him what I've been asking so long for, and it feels awkward to me in some ways....I guess you could say it's wierd & wonderful at the same time. I think I was truly beginning to doubt if I would ever see the man come out of him that I kept glimpsing.
I'm sure I'm falling into the same thing that many people fall into...."when's the other shoe going drop?" All I can say is that THIS time, things are nothing like his past efforts. In the past his efforts have been small, timid, kind of sticking his toe in the water to test the temperature type of attempts.
I've done some thinking about what was done differently between his last timid attempts and this new behavior. Well, obviously I went through my "giveadamnsbusted" stage and completely withdrew for a bit because I needed to. It wasn't something I had any control over really, it was merely a place I found myself after trying for so long in so many ways. Many of you have found, or are finding yourselves currently, in the same spot. But you know what I continued doing during that time? Communicating....but it wasn't just communication, it was blunt communication, it was specific and in many ways it was directions for him. It was "I need you to do xyz for me to feel special to you", it was getting to the point that I said what I felt and what was on my mind and stopped worrying about his reaction to it. It was me getting to the point that I stopped holding in my resentment and said what I meant and didn't sugar coat it.
Now, for us I think there's a combination of things that happened.
#1 I completely backed off of him, this gave him the time and space to come to me. It gave him the time to see I had stopped all of my past physical/affectionate behavior towards him. I wasn't a B!tch to him of course, but I simply didn't feel the urge to go to him in any way. Noticing my change in behavior was more than just temporary meant he had to do some work if things were going to get better...and if I wasn't going to come to him then he had to figure out how to come to me. Right about this time is when he started spending more time with me one-on-one, dates.
#2 He received a not so great review at work. Now normally, this wouldn't be a great thing...but in our case I may just chalk this up to a turning point for him. This review period came at just the right time....and he saw the problems he was experiencing at work were largely his own fault and I know (because I saw it in his face) that he realized he was doing the same thing at home. His Manager told him that he jumped to the defensive all the time, even when it was unnecessary, and that he resisted their guidance when people tried to help him out. These are things I know he's heard from me, and from our MC. I think hearing it in that environment made things come full-circle in away for him. His Manager was telling him the same things that our MC and I were telling him...I think it was then that he realized that he was being his own worst enemy.
#3 All of this sort of came to fruition when he and I had an opportunity to spend time together for several days. We had both taken almost 2-weeks off work for the Holidays and managed to work in at least 4 complete days of time where we spent the entire day together, just us....our S was in day care where he would have fun playing with his friends, and Dad and I had the opportunity to get to know each other again. We went out to lunch and talked, we went to the movies, we went Christmas shopping....it was like we were dating again in many ways. Even on our trip we took time away from my family, took our S with us and went exploring....just took our time and had fun.
Now, it's been since we returned from our vacation....and he's had his review (so it's been the last week or so) that things have drastically changed. But I honestly think that it was a combination of all of this that has made a HUGE difference.
I truly do believe though that had I not gone through the absolute hell of that "mygiveadamnsbusted" period of time that he wouldn't have really seen how little he was doing in our R. I needed to get to that point in order to not feel like I had to rush towards him if he stuck that little toe in to test the water. For my H I really believe I had to come to a complete resting stop before he would have ever taken that step towards me.
