It's been a few weeks since I've given an update on the GEL household...so here goes.
We're not exactly burning up the sheets yet, although I can join the group starting the year off right with last night (I know, what a shock huh?) but I do see my H venturing out a bit more and trying some things. He's not as reserved when it comes to sexual banter, and actually plays along now with it sometimes too. He's also getting better at talking through some of our little blips in the road map.
He's beginning to speak his mind more with me, which I've been really wanting him to do for quite some time. If he doesn't agree with something I want, then tell me....either I'll give in to what he wants, or we can talk about it and find some common ground....but it does NOT always have to be my way, which is something he's had stuck in his mind from his X's.
An example of this, and this is really pretty silly, but it shows me that he's not only trying, but he's still battling with some conditioned responses as well. I'm planning on redoing our living room curtains and he was trying to tell me what he'd like me to do. Well...we have a bit of a problem sometimes when he tries to describe ideas in his head. He sees what he wants perfectly in his mind....but when he tries to tell me, I don't always understand it the way he's trying to communicate it. I know we aren't the only couple who suffers from this LOL. Anyway....he wanted me to cover some small windows above our big picture window with heavy curtains to block out the light. Well, I like natural lighting and really didn't want to cover them completely. But when I asked him..."you mean you want me to put curtains all the way over those...but I like the light that comes in from them." He said..."well, yeah that's what I said, but apparantly that ain't gonna happen."
Ok...folks, normally that little comment of his would have had me stewing. Instead I told him "that's not fair, I didn't say that it won't happen...don't make me sound like a dictator. There are plenty of things I can do with the windows that will make both of us happy, I just have to put some thought into it." I could see by the expression on his face he didn't expect that response from me...I was supposed to get pissed off I guess LOL.
I know this may seem like a trivial conversation to many of you....but really, it's quite telling in how far we've come in our communication. #1 My H would have NEVER let that little comment out a year ago, he'd have just gotten frustrated and shut up....he wouldn't have risked saying something like that because he would have assumed I'd just blow up at him like his X would have done. Did I? No. But I also in the past would have (had he said it) let his "it apparantly ain't gonna happen" comment go and fumed on it instead of saying....whoa buddy.
This little exchange is just an indicator to me that we are both becoming more comfortable with speaking our minds and communicating better.
We even had a couple little exchange during our trip to Texas (or as my little Ian says Tucus). Where we just simply worked through them, instead of holding in things we wanted to say and letting them fester...we got them out, and got past them....and yes, they were over silly things.
Another thing we did manage to do was spend time alone together quite a bit several days of our vacation....we really needed to do this too. He's commenting more on some of the clothes and nighties I've been wearing and letting me know what he really likes.
To top it off...last night I asked him if he'd would not wear himself out working outside so we could spend somet time together. He looked at me and said "I was already planning on that. I figured we could put Ian to bed an then go to bed early ourselves and snuggle and let whatever happens happen." Well we did, and it did. It was just nice to know....he had already been thinking that way.
So...it seems that so far 06 is starting off pretty well for us
That is just super. I am glad to hear more positive progress on the board. Whenever someone gets really down and says that there aren't ANY recent success stories I always think of posts like this. Maybe there isn't a big dramatic change but rather something that makes the relationship better and happier for BOTH people. Good for you both.
Karen, thanks...I have more to add to my previous post though. Yesterday afternoon/evening was a most interesting and surprising one for me.
Definitely not wanting to get my hopes up too high, just enjoying what happened When I arrived home from work yesterday my H was in such an affectionate, loving mood....this is a side of him I have only glimpsed before....the side I knew was there but he wouldn't let out. Well yesterday, he let it come out to play for a few hours!
He was making comments about how hot I looked in the new PJ's I bought over the weekend (he wasn't with me when I bought them, and no...it wasn't lingerie)...I had just slipped them on to be comfortable playing with our son. He was talkative, complimentary, physically/sexually affectionate....I'm telling you guys....it was kind of wierd at first LOL. He's never let this much out at once and it was a bit surprising to me, I guess you could almost say I was in disbelief. He even asked me at one point if I was going to cut my hair (since he knows it's at a length that I either let it grow or cut it, but he never asks me these things)...so I informed him I'm letting it grow really long again...when I asked why? Did he have a suggestion for a style or something like that?...he said "nope, just wondering." Ok...I'll buy that, but I have reason to believe he liked that answer because later he grabbed me, gave me a really passionate (moans and everything) french kiss and really dug his hands into my hair (he's NEVER done that)...which is something I just love.
We had fun snuggling on the couch, we had some really good conversation all evening and the feeling was really connected.....it was wonderful and strange all at the same time. Wonderful of course because this is the type of behavior I've been craving from my H, strange because for so long he's done things slowly....little bits at a time and then whammo! I have no doubt that we probably could have ML last night, but to be honest....I was wiped!!! Been fighting off a sinus infection and was asleep in no-time when he took a few moments to play one of his computer games....so instead I just enjoyed the evening.
So...GELs assignment for today? Validate what he did!!! Let him know how much it meant and how it made me feel, let him know that type of behavior IS what I've been needing.
I forgot to add that when we went to bed last night he was very cuddly as well...if the man had tried to get any closer to me, he'd have been on the other side of me.
Talked to him earlier today too....he sounded pretty upbeat again, it'll be interesting to see how things are when I get home in a few hours.
Oh honey, I'm so happy for you, I could spit. Oh wait. I can't spit, and I never have been able to. Oh well, I am still over the moon for you!
I don't know what the catalyst was for all this, but lots of praise is in order. Keep feeding off this behavior. I found with my H that a sexy "I like how you've been acting lately!" went over better than a serious "This is what I've been needing.." R talk. I kept it light and kept the praise coming and, most of all, let him know that his style turns me on. I think he was beginning to think that I wanted something opposite of him and I didn't. I want him, but I want ALL of him. Not the little portions he wants to dole out and keep the rest safely locked away.
Looks like you have found the key to unlock your H. Wtg!
Actually, I just got off the phone with him and let him know how much I enjoyed his behavior from yesterday. I, explained that it's things like what he was doing yesterday that makes me feel good, simple stuff like that helps me to feel that he's attracted to me. Oh, and I told him what a knockout kiss that was he planted on me too LOL.
I told him "that's the stuff I've been talking about that I was needing of you :-)" He laughed and said "oh, ok...so do that more often than....not huh? LOL"
Need I say I'm a pretty happy camper at the moment?
"I think he was beginning to think that I wanted something opposite of him and I didn't. I want him, but I want ALL of him. Not the little portions he wants to dole out and keep the rest safely locked away."
Not to hijack, but that is a point I really need to get across to my W. She still thinks that I want to turn her into OW, and that many of my suggestions on ways to improve the R are attempts to change her fundamental being.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
For the longest time I know my H was afraid I was trying to change him as well. I didn't want to do that, I wanted him....I just wanted him to share more of himself with me, and to treat me as I felt I should be treated as his W and lover not as a roommate.
You know what....IMPO if your W thinks this then your actions are going to have to speak volumes for you...and you are going to have to have patience. Also, when she does do something (no matter how small) in the right direction...validate it, let her know you noticed and appreciated it.
No one wants to feel like someone is trying to change them....that makes you feel like you aren't good enough the way you are. Your W is likely to feel like you are trying to change her to be someone else, simply because you are now really trying to address issues and let her know what behaviors you need from her. She's going to be suspicious...just stay consistent, and remind her you want that from her, no one else
I think I may use some of your's and HP's words on this topic almost verbatim to my wife. Thanks!
"Also, when she does do something (no matter how small) in the right direction...validate it, let her know you noticed and appreciated it."
I have been doing that, and it has worked to some degree. It did have the side effect in a few cases of causing the "well I've taken care of that, now I don't have to do anything else for awhile" reaction.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
That side-effect is very common, that's when I try to remind my H that "you remember when you did xyz? That's what I need from you more often." I'm still working this one, but that approach (for my H anyway) is less threatening and more of a "oh yeah, she liked that."
