Ok...for those of you who are interested....I have had success with getting my H to O with oral
I've mentioned that I'm having a problem initiating lately...but yesterday I had the urge (at about noon)...I had just put our son down for a nap .... was walking by my H the thought came into my head and instead of stopping to think about it (which would give me a chance to decide not to and my arms to go to lead) I just grabbed him by the hand....drug him into the bedroom....pushed him onto the bed and did my thing.
I also used a few of the suggestions that were given to me on here as well as far as some things to try. It worked....and surprise, surprise....about 20 minutes after I'd finished and I was back to doing my things around the house he walked up and gave me a very nice french kiss.
That is the 1st time I've had the opportunity to truly show him that we can do things that don't have to lead to intercourse that are satisfying....and that I can do things for him without expectations of him doing something for me too.
I think part of the success this time is due in part to the fact that....we didn't wait until 10pm at night. It was the middle of the day, he wasn't tired.
I'm giving myself a good ole pat on the back for that!
The hubby and I had our las MC session for this year yesterday.
As I told everyone here...I did bring up the MC's assignment to us and the fact that once again....it went undone. I mentioned to our C that I wondered if by the simple fact that I knew about the assignment, and I knew what her point was, knew she meant for it to be 3x in a row....that maybe I set myself up for disappointment and failure.....because when days were going by and nothing was happening, I felt that resentment just bubbling up.
My H spoke up and said that he always looked at her assignments as if they get done great, but it's no big deal if they don't. Got to admit, I really didn't like it when he said that and told him so. I view her assignments as...."assignments", there's a point to it. Her point to our last assignment was to find out if his SD did increase by increasing our frequency.....we still don't have the answer to that.
So obviously....we are coming at her assignments differently. He views them as "suggestions", I view them as "homework". I did tell him though that because he doesn't seem to really take her "suggestions" seriously, that it's hard for me to believe that he really wants to work past the issues we are having.....therefore, I don't trust he will do the work it really takes to do that.
We discussed again that we are coming from polar ends on our R. I'm coming from the perspective of how good I know it can be, he's coming from the defensive position of making sure he doesn't get hurt again due to bad/dysfunctional R's.
So, once again our MC asked us each how would it be different for each of us if both of us had our needs being met to a greater degree. I thought about it and told them both that for me, if my H was meeting my needs a bit more it would mean....I'd reach out to him more, I would be more physical in the ways he likes (cuddling etc). Right now though because I've been going so long without what I need my SD has taken a nose-dive and I just don't WANT to reach out to him and be physical....sure I have my rare moments now like last weekend, but that only happened because I acted instantly and didn't think about it. His answer was that he'd just be happier, if I were happier....that's about all he offered up...he'd just be happier if I were happier.
She brought up once again that my H has trust issues, but that he does seem to be slowly getting past them lately. For example....the other night (he's working nights now) after work he thought he had a union meeting to go to....turns out it was the following week. Well while waiting for the meeting to begin (a couple hours after his shift ended) he and a few guys went to have a couple of drinks, he ran into someone we both know (a guy who runs karaoke) talked for awhile and then came home once he found out the meeting was the following week. Well normally he would have tried to hide the fact that he'd gone to a bar because his X would have had an absolute cow over it. I have told him several times it doesn't bother me if he goes and has a couple of drinks with the guys from work to unwind....but he's still surprised when he tells me (on those rare occasions) that this is what he's done...and I don't get upset, I'm fine with it.
Anyway...our C's observation is that he's telling me things like this more, he is actually communicating with me more the things that he is still afraid I well react badly about....but he's doing it. She observed that even while he was retelling his story about going out that his "non-verbals" were telling her that he was still worried I would get angry......even though his words were saying "she's always ok with it, she never minds....never gets angry about it."
I guess....I never even realized that he was communicating those things to me, too close to it I guess...so I needed her to point that out to me in order to really appreciate the fact that he is actually doing some things that are normally difficult for him. I'm glad she did that.
She also pointed something out that I guess I just needed to hear. I don't see it yet, probably because he and I don't typically sit across from each other, but next to each other in her office.....but she said when he talks about me she can see that his feelings are becoming more "tender" towards me. She asked if it was true that his feelings were growing more tender and deeper towards me his instant response was "Oh Yeah!". I guess I just needed to hear that.
So her suggestion to us until our next session, wasn't sexually orientated it was just for us to find ways to connect and to enjoy each other. That could mean we do things sexual....but it could mean we just enjoy being together as well.
Just hearing her observations made me look much more forward to going Christmas shopping with my H this weekend.
It really did help for me to have our MC point those things out to me. Sometimes my view of some of our true R progress is obscured by my becoming focused on specifics....it really helped to have her point out our progress overall.
I feel like I've said these things over and over...probably because I have lol.
He's had a history of picking very domineering women, women who wanted to control every aspect of the R...and in many ways him....it's a pattern he unintentionally broke when it came to me.
I do have some similarities to the women of his past. Attractive, successful, intelligent, dominant personality.....the one thing I am not that at least 2 of the women were from his past that were big influences on him is.....controlling. I don't have the time to want to even attempt to control him, don't want to do it....get annoyed when I feel someone wants me to control them.
The two particular women I'm thinking of were very domineering women (I've had 1st hand experience to see this myself)....they are very controlling and very manipulative. While I may have the dominate personality between my H and I....I am not domineering (BIG difference). I don't want him to feel he has to ask my "permission" to do things he enjoys...if he wants to do it, great! I encourage him to do some things for himself....getting him to go do those things though is sometimes difficult because deep down there's still a part of him that feels "she's going to get pissed off at me, I'm going to have to pay for this later if I do it."...even though that is not how I am. Those two women from his past would have made his life a living he!! for doing something without asking their permission first. He was to do what they wanted, when they wanted it, and exactly how they wanted it done. Oh and one of them withheld sex (told him she could be a sexual camel)....the other (his 1st W) cheated on him while he was working 3 jobs and she refused to work.
He's just now (thanks to our MC) beginning to change about this though. He's still afraid (deep down) that I'll get angry with him for oh....going out for drinks with the guys after work, or stopping for a beer at the bar after running errands for me on the weekend)....but I never do. It's taken time for my actions to really start proving to him that what he sees with me is truly what he gets.
I'm not sure I can really answer that question, I'm not sure I know the answer to that question right now. The only thing I can think of is that it's something he has "control" over. Whether or not he realizes that...I don't know for sure.
It's definitely something for me to think about though...thanks for mentioning it, I hadn't really looked at that.
Why do you think he's not afraid of your anger, or of letting you down, as it concerns sex? I don't understand this, do you
Well in his experience women are perfectly justified in witholding anything/anytime they want. And in culture women are perfectly 'right' in witholding sex whenever they want.
Why shouldnt it be ok for him to do so also. Its his body. And activities that lead to fuzzy feelings have to be terrifying after 4 ? WAW's. Gel I have been watching your sitch for the past few weeks since you left for work and returned to SSDD, and the subsequent and understandable downturn.
First welcome back cheery GEL. I had a long post to you that got erased when my pc rebooted last weekend(along with some other work ), about your H feeling WAW memories when you leave for work.
Anychance it could send him into withdrawal phase, wondering if you are still 'interested' and wanting you to prove it when you return?
I get the sense that he is very tentatively feeling you out.... emotionally speaking, unfortunately LOL... and testing that you are going to stick around. Your doing well,
Has he ever been to MC before? Was he ever 'forced' to go before? You could point out -if you havent already- that you are doing MC because you want this M to work.
I hadn't really thought about whether my leaving for a business trip would send my H into a "withdrawl", but I suppose it is possible. His XW was a highly successful woman, monetarily speaking, and did travel frequently....it is possible that my trip triggered a response in him based on her behaviors. Logically and rationally....he knows I'm nothing like her...but that doesn't mean he won't have a pavlovian emotional response to my being in a similar situation as one she would have been in. Fortunately my job does not require me to travel very frequently, otherwise this could be come a BIG problem for us.
I can certainly see how it is possible that he would want me to prove I'm still interested when I return from a trip....due to his past experiences. Unfortunately his providing me with such a lack of enthusiasm at my return leaves me not wanting to even go near him. I do often overcome this feeling, but it's the feeling I have nonetheless. As I explained to him, it hurts to have the lack of reception I had....it came across as he didn't care whether I was at home with him or somewhere else. It's not like I expected a red carpet, or anything like that.....just a heartfelt "I missed you" and a kiss would have been sufficient for me to feel welcomed. I've explained all of this to him though since that time....he says he understands how I would feel that way.
You, I and, our MC get the feeling that he's tentatively "feeling me out" so-to-speak emotionally. Our MC believes that he's doing this because he is beginning to trust me, and his feelings (as our MC put it) are growing more tender and deeper towards me....so one plays off of the other. Right now, I'm being tested big time I feel, but that's ok.....the person he's testing, the person I've always told him I am, will pass the tests. I am exactly the woman I've told him I am, no fronts, no pretense.....so really his tests aren't tests in my eyes, I simply react to them the way I normally would.
As for your last question....yes, he has been to a MC before, and that was a HORRIBLE experience for him. He's often mentioned to me and our MC that he felt his W just brought him to counseling to find fault with him, to tear him apart and justify ways of changing him. That whole experience is why I've had to be so very careful about how I go about addressing problems and finding solutions now. If I take the wrong approach it could trigger that "she's trying to change me" response which would be counterproductive. So instead I try very hard to concentrate on "us" learning to communicate more effectively, on "us" finding a middle ground to compromise on as far as sex goes. I work very hard at letting him know I'm willing to compromise, things don't always have to be "my" way (which is what he's used to from his X's)....and things aren't always "I'm right, you're wrong!", yet another thing he became conditioned to.
I cannot tell you how many conversations we had over our first year of working on this where he would try to manipulate me into saying "I'm right, you're wrong!"....but I wouldn't bite. Things simply are not that black & white to me, so not biting was easy....frustrating for me because I felt like he was trying to manipulate me to be what he expected I'd be.....but easy nonetheless.
Honestly....looking back over the past year with our new MC he has made progress. Sure the progress may not be in the area I'd really like to see it (physically) , but I do believe the progress emotionally has to take place first. He has to learn to trust me, trust that I will still be here, trust that I'm not going to try to turn him into someone he's not, trust that it's ok to be himself when he's with me (which he's beginning to really loosen up more around me), and trust that what he sees with me is really what he's getting. Until that trust is built within him he's not likely to be open enough to risk being the sexual aggressor with me, that's bitten him in the butt too many times in his past.
), about your H feeling WAW memories when you leave for work.