Actually I don't have doubts that this would increase my EC with my H...I know it would. The doubts I have are that he'd actually follow-through with the assignment, which are spot-on.
Since our one encounter, which was quite nice....he's made no comment, no suggestion...acted as if the assignment doesn't even exist. I have brought "sex" up a few times, just kind of in general not as discussion....just letting him know I've thought of different things I'd like to do to him, doesn't revv his engines at all (or at least he doesn't let me know that it does.)...and now, naturally....we've managed to do it once and that time o the month arrives for me, which means.....if anything else is going to happen before our next C appt. it's up to me....completely. OH JOY!!! Not terribly thrilled about that.
I'm not so much upset that this means I will have to do things to him, that won't include actual intercourse....that's fine, that doesn't bother me at all...and in some ways I can see the benefit to it. What bothers me is that now, because he knows it's that time....he will sit back and do nothing. As far as he's concerned, that's his "get of jail free card" for us not being able to do what's been assigned. I know this man very well, I can almost tell you EXACTLY what he'll tell our MC. "Well, we were really busy, I had to take care of xyz on our property, things at work have been really hectic for both of us (I hate it when he speaks for me), and then it was that time of the month for her (I know he'll say it that way and make it sound like it was that time of the month all 2-weeks for me.)"
I don't know this for sure, but I do plan on asking him about this....but I feel like he thinks we should be able to ML once and those warm fuzzy feelings for me should just come flooding back. It just doesn't work that way for me....because right now I don't trust when I'll get that physical contact again from him, without me having to swallow my pride once again and force these arms of mine that turn into lead to initiate.....again.
Sorry to sound like such a downer guys....just feeling frustrated right now. I haven't received one real kiss from my H since she told him to french kiss me outside of her office, and now I'm just discouraged that he's made so very little effort to follow up with her frequency assignment too. I truly didn't expect he would follow through....but I hoped that we could ML at least twice within a 2-wk period, considering she was shooting for us having done it 6x (3 each week).
I do believe I'm going to have to get less nice about this, and I really hate that....it's just not my nature. I am at heart a conflict avoider....but this just isn't going to improve without it, and since I'm always the one to have to bring these things up...oh joy! Is this ever going to be fun!!
Oh Lass, I was so hoping that things would have worked differently. It figures that not even Mother Nature is on your side! Sheesh, cut the woman a break already!!
So sorry for you, sis. Between the hunting and now your period, how many viable days were there for him to complete the assignment? Did he really screw it up or was it just a weird week?
Oh and what did you think of NOP's "place H's hand where you want it" suggestion? Would that work tonight, getting some sexual touch for you? Maybe not touching that leads to intercourse, but a simple caress would do a LOT for you--I'm anxious for him to realize that.
I'm trying soooo very hard to get in the frame of mind I need to be in to do just what NOP's suggested for tonight, but it's going to take some doing on my part. LOL
As for how many viable days were there for him to follow through in the last 2-weeks...let me see. I honestly let him off the hook the 1st night since I didn't want him feeling pressured, probably shouldn't have done that in hindsight. So really last week was out, although had her assignment really been to do it 3x in a row that week, it still wouldn't have worked for that week. BUT this week is a different story. We had discussed that since he was going back on night shift that if anything was going to happen that we'd have to both agree to when he got home from work, he said ok to that and that's why we did ML that one night....he's had every night this week to step up and help me with this, but hasn't. We see our MC tuesday next week for our next appointment....so he still has four more nights, in total though he's had 10 nights to pick from; so the assignment was not undoable. If we can manage to do something, even 2-3 of the remaining nights, I will still chalk the assignment up to a success (where he's concerned anyway), because it'll still be much more than he's done in the past.
I still truly believe though he's letting this resistence thing get in his way. He knows (and has said) that he's afraid if he does this so many times a week that I'll expect it from now on.....so instead of working through it, even just for the sake of the assignment, he still sits back and doesn't do it. I know our C will know that though, and she'll address it.
Part of me also wonders though if there's not a part of him that doesn't want to increase his SD. I'm just guessing here, but since he's had sex used as a manipulative tool against him in the past.....wouldn't it stand to reason (in his mind anyway) that not increasing his libido would benefit him, I mean....if he truly doesn't want it...then I can't use it against him (not that I ever would.)
Thinking from a perspective that might try to rationalize resisting and not taking action....that's one thought that came to mind regarding his lack of "action". I don't know if there's any merit to it though.
I think it's a problem (for a lot of reasons) that you're putting yourself in the position of helping H complete his assignments. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be more helpful for the C to give you each separate assignments (while the other leaves the room). Then neither of you would be worried about the other's, or their judgement about how you complete it.
I wouldn't let him speak for you at the counselor's. I guess when I think of counseling it seems it would be a safe place to vent and be honest. Because a counselor could be there to control anger or hurt and make suggestions. I would just be honest with her and out it all on the table. That he didn't step up to the plate. That he didn't initiate. And that he hasn't done any kissing. That always makes me mad when people speak for me, lol.
Why is it you think he fears you will expect sex all the time. Does he just feel like he isn't capable of ML a lot? Like he just simply couldn't?
If my husband had this reaction I know I would take it personally? I am so bad at doing things like that. Not so much anymore but sometimes it just rares it's ugly head with me. I would feel like why does he see it as a chore or a demand to ML to his wife.
Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned to him you got your period. Just to see if he initiated anything. Because if he did you could have said well I can't but there is something I can do for you.
You are making an assumption that I do let him speak for me at the MC's....I don't, I always stop him. I don't like ANYONE speaking for me. What I was writing was what I know he will start off with saying. I do always stop him and remind him that he's not to speak for me. He's notorious for saying "we were both too tired, busy, stressed...whatever"...I always remind him that he's not to speak for me on things like that.
Oh...and I am always up front in the C's office, have no doubts about that. I speak my mind in there, I'm paying enough for her to listen that I'm not going to waste my money lol. I don't hold back in her office, if he doesn't go through with the assignment she'll know about it, and he knows I will tell her too.
I don't "think" he fears I will expect sex....he's said this himself in our last session. He's afraid that if we start having sex for a bit at oh...lets say our assignment frequency of 3x a week, that it will raise the bar for what I will expect as a minimum from him...then if for whatever reason we don't ML 3x in a week all hell will break loose and he'll have to somehow pay for it. Now, with that said...he has experienced similar situations in his past R's that make him think this way. I don't know that it was always sexually related, but I do know that he was made to feel a failure many, many, many times. He does however know "I" am not this way and said so in the C's office. He knows I am not unreasonable. BUT, just so ya know...when he made the statement I assured him that if we did ML that frequently that sure, I'd like that.....but that I honestly would just love to rely on 1x a week as a goal for us. If it happened more often great, but I wouldn't hold him to that frequency as our "norm"....I couldn't hold myself to that frequency as our "norm".
Cally, my H has issues...big honkin, white elephant in the middle of the room issues!!! it's that simple. That's one reason that I don't take so much of this personally as I used to....oh man did I used to!!!
So many of his issues, while frustrating, aren't reflections of me....they are reflections of his past. I have similarities to his X's, which is some of what attracted him to me...but the major thing that attracted him to me....was my differences from his X's. He's told me himself he's never had someone who cares for him the way I do, who wants him for who he is, who wants him around literally for richer or poorer...that just wants "HIM", MR. GEL. So, trying to adjust to that is very difficult for him because there are big parts of him that, due to conditioning in the past, don't always trust my behavior. He is still waiting for that other shoe to drop I guess and have some mask fall off my face to reveal yet another woman like the ones from his past......but that's not happening, and it won't happen.
I wanted to ad to that my husband also had a very hard time with oral sex when we first tried this. As in being able to complete it by o'ing. He told me he had never been able to finsih like this. But then he had also said he never really had a woman who put forth much effort into this area. I took it on as a challenge.lol
One night I did it and told him in the middle that I would really love to be able to do this for him. It is one of the most erotic memories I have with him. He was standing and I was kneeling. It took a long time and took much patience from me. But we did complete it that night and the look on his face was priceless.lol He almost collapsed when he o'ed. We have had many years to work on this. One thing I find that helps and he will O faster is...I have noticed he is visual. So if he doing things to me or has a view he gets excited a lot faster. Or if he is doing things to me and I am making appreciative noises. I did the same thing with hand jobs. I just told him I would like to be able to do this for him. That it very much turned me on. MY husband seems like the kind of man that just has a hard time with things being just for him sexually. It's like he thinks he has to satisfy me each time. He has always been great about foreplay until recently.
That is great you speak for yourself. It drives me crazy, lol, when my FIL speaks for my MIL all the time. If you ask her something he will answer all the time. Sometimes it drives me crazy she isn't more assertive. I guess she is just used to it. My husband learned long ago I do have a mind and will speak it.hehehe
Glad to here you lay it all out there in MC. I hope I will be able to do that also. There is still part of me that feels my husband has got to be embarrassed he is this way sexually. Maybe I am wrong. So to bring up this issue about him well I am hoping I won't be embarrassed for him and be able to honest in there.
Good way to look at it Gel about his past and not let it hurt you as much anymore. You seem like the kind of person who can find a positive in any negative situation. I envy that about you.
"MY husband seems like the kind of man that just has a hard time with things being just for him sexually."
I just wanted to chime in and say that it is the same for me, and I know a lot of men feel the same way. I believe it is a myth that most men are the "screw and roll-over" type. Nearly every guy who I have talked to said having the women O is a POWERFUL turn-on.
"It's like he thinks he has to satisfy me each time."
I have that same problem. Fortunately it wasn't a major issue, because the W did O most of the time. But when she didn't I would internalize it. I'm sure it is part of the whole cruddy sex dynamic that she and I now have.
GEL, it will probably sound hypocritical coming from me, but I wish there was some way you could perk yourself up. I'm not saying you have depression or anything, but you do come across gloomy a lot. Not that you don't have just cause. Wishing you the best this weekend.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Not terribly thrilled about that.
