I'm sick and tired of W's dodgeball circus act and I'm not going to bark anymore at her command. I'm still DBing as far as it applies to me, but I'm through applying it to my R with W.
(flaneur) ...could you manage to keep your interactions with her light and humorous? Would that be a 180?
That's all my interaction has been with W for the past 2 months. We joked around, gave each other ribbings about the sitch and other things, telling each other funny things the kids did while they were at her place or with me, we have a goofy silly ritual we go through when we answer the phone, we laugh about W cooking a cat that had crawled ontop of her engine when it was cold and it stunk up her van, similar stories that involved her mother many many years ago except it was chickens. On and on. I felt like DBing was really working. Maybe it was, but she then handles this Vegas trip in her old traditional way and gives us all the finger.
Do you think your wife was telling you in the hope that you would ask her not to go?
This thought has crossed my mind. I almost said it flat out to her "don't go", but she knows I don't want her to go. That's why she notified me in the way she did. Would it have made any difference if I asked her to stay??? Honestly I don't think it would, but maybe she did want me to beg or fight for her or whatever. It might explain her later behavior. But it should be her decision without my direct influence, right?
Two days ago when she informed me of her trip, she mentioned that she should tell D9 where she was going and wanted me to confirm her feelings that telling D9 would be best. She didn't want to lie to D9 when she called from Vegas since D9 grills W pretty hard whenever she calls. Ya know...a good parent keeps in touch with their kids while they are off whoopin' it up with their lover (sorry for the sarcasm). I told her to do what she thought was best. I did ask her why she was hesitant to tell D9? W said it was going to hurt D9's feelings b/c it's not what D9 wants. So it was going to bother W that her actions hurt D9 but not enough to change her actions.
So last night when I got home from work D9 was in tears on the phone getting the news that W was going to Vegas with OM, and "some fishing buddies" of OM. The buddies part was news to me. OM has fished about 3 minutes in his entire life. So W is full of crap. I guess the fact that other people were going too was meant to soften the blow to D9? W then talked to me to apologize for upsetting D9. I could here a speaker in the background. I asked what the noise was and W said she was at the airport. (So she broke the news of her trip to me a few hours before leaving and to D9 minutes before leaving. In fact she was already packed before she told me. It explains why she had the SUV sized bag with her when she changed clothes for D9's cello concert.) I snapped a bit (due to D9's tears) and calmly but sternly told W to never insult our intelligence again by telling us she is sorry. Her actions defy her words. And I don't believe for a second that she was agonizing over whether to go or not. Then I changed to a friendly tone, asked what the temp was supposed to be out there and to have a good time.
Needless to say, D9 was hurt and pissed off. So I got to validate and console her while reminding her that W is still her mother and W does love her very much. I don't think she bought it. When she removed W from her cell phone contact list I knew I had my hands full. She said, "I'm officially breaking up with mom." You may be aware of the commercial on tv that D9 was referring to. D9's visit with her C on Monday could be interesting.
There are lots of things I thought I'd hash out from our first phone call about the trip but I've changed my mind. Her words won't mean anything. It's her actions the tell volumes.
One thing I will hash out after all - we discussed her "having her cake and eating it too". W acted surprised that everyone and I mean everyone that knows the sitch uses that phrase to describe her and how I've handled the sitch. I pay for her auto insurance and (thru my work) her health insurance. I raided my Roth IRA to pay for our auto insurance. Obviously since she has lost soooo many points thru speeding tix and an accident, that she has lost her license, the insurance rates are sky high b/c of her. All the tix and the accident happend since the A started. Living a double life 1 1/2 hours apart requires lots of road time, speeding, and taking odd different routes that when you're not paying attention can lead to accidents. It has been her choice to carry on this lifestyle. I am digging change out the couch, regifting, and such to scrape together X-mas gifts this year. I'm also trying to whittle away at $9000 in loans and credit card bills that she had a large part in accumulating. W seems to have enough cash to take a vacation and she had on new clothes at D9's concert. Would I be out of line to drop her from the car insurance? It's my attempt to remove her cake supply. What does everyone think. Tips on how to handle this would be great.
