I hope to have time to post more tomorrow...I'm kind of struggling, things are generally good, but last weekend H commented that "we really did love each other, it wasnt just lust" and I swear I have been so down since then, it's such a struggle. I didnt even answer when he said that, just walked away, but it really really hurts. I keep thinking what the hell, why do I even try, if she's so damn great then go. I didnt say it of course, and keep trying to remind myself that actions speak louder than words, but it still hurts really badly.
I'm still seeing mlc stuff as well, he commented "I guess I should have done something different/more with my life"....also was again making comments about all the money I'd spent from a loan....I swear it is not at all accurate, what he recalls/thinks, and it was all discussed. I reminded him of what was done with it, and he was like "oh, yeah, that's right", but I swear he doesnt remember it (and this is not a lot we're talking here, like 3500 bucks or so on a car loan that went towards D's wedding and a big medical bill.
and he told me that monster has been waiting "all this time" for him to divorce, that he has finally told her that is not going to happen, "things are going well" between us, and that she needs to move on.
I don't know what to think, believe, or do anymore. I've been thinking just focus on myself and the kids. Big kids are in the process of moving into their own home, thank god. I have no doubts that the strain of having them here has set us back a good bit. and upped H's level of resentment, anger, what have you. However, I guess the fact that he didnt use it as an excuse to run back to monster is a big plus.
I'm sure interested in anyone's input. just stumped and floored. As I looked back at the beginning of this thread though it hit me, that was around the 1st of December, and he was starting to make noises about weekend "paperwork" again, and I called him on it and he got mad but got over it....and never did go back to doing paperwork. In hindsight (it really is 20/20) I know that monster was involved in that, that's the time when she was giving him the "season of miracles/get a divorce and come back" spiel....
I really am not doing real well with this stuff right now. gotta go pick up S...
Ah. Deb - This is the sucky part of piecing. You'll get through it.
Of course H thinks it was "love" - how otherwise could he possibly justify to himself the pain he has inflicted? It takes a long time for them to REALLY see the OW and the affair for the pathetic things they really were.
What your H is really saying, though, is that he had that dopamine high/ "in love" feeling when he was with her. Your job right now is to show him that he can have that dopamine high with you. Flirt with him. Speak his love languages. Share adrenaline-inducing or laughter-inducing experiences with him (rollercoasters, scary movies, comedy clubs). Introduce novelty - my H appreciates even the smallest things, such as a change of my wardrobe or how I wear my hair or a new recipe - makes me sadly aware of how prone to getting in ruts I am.
Sure, having the kids at the house has been an aggravating factor - so now that they're leaving, impress your H with a beatuifully clean, calm, soothing environment. Light good-smelling candles. Think about "merchandising" - all the things stores like Pier One do to make you feel good as soon as you walk through the door. Stick to your workouts and a good diet.
As for the money - you know the truth about that, but is there anything you can do that would make visible to your H the steps that are being taken to improve your economic state? What about reading one of David Bach's books together? Having a budget and a financial plan that is looking towards the future may help alleviate his current discomfort about money.
As for the elephant in the living room - your H's depression - that doesn't magically go away just because the WAS decides to come home. Are you feeding him vitamins, fish, sunlight, exercise, regular sleep hours? Do you have nice music playing around the house?
This will get better, I promise. But there's still work to do, and unfair or not, you still need to tow that barge.
Deb...I don't think I've ever posted to your thread, and sadly, I have nothing really wise to offer....BUT, I agree with all the sage advice of Ellie.
Mostly, wanted to tell you that I have followed your sitch for a few months now, and have gotten the picture of all that's happened in 2 years...you are an amazingly strong woman...you have strength beyond words and are a true inspiration to me.
Hang in there...things didn't come this far for nothing...this may be the toughest part of all...so close.
I agree with Ellie...it's hard to anyone to admit that what they did was wrong, just plain wrong and no excuses. I struggled to find a "reason" why I behaved poorly in my M, and H justifies things too...then there comes a time when you feel more secure, better about yourself, that you can admit that you made a mistake, 100%, no excuses...perhaps this comes when you feel safe again...you like yourself and have grown. I think he'll get there...eventually. Can't be pushed though. Until then, trust what Ellie said. He felt a rush, feelings that come with needs fulfilled that weren't by you....he misses all those things he gave her WITHOUT the baggage of coming home, of course that's appealing. He doesn't miss HER, wasn't in love with HER. It was the things she gave, the needs she filled. The fantasy life he imagined to have. He felt it might be "in love" b/c it was the rush of something new, clandestine, no baggage, instant connection on a superficial level when you're in need, pain and rejection (from you). I can admit now that I've felt that before, as well.
He's feeling a fool right now. Don't get dragged down with him. Stay calm, cool and strong. Let him ride out whatever phase this is....this too shall pass.
Remember, in the end, the draw, the pull, was to you. It wasn't an easy thing to come back to you...but he did it...b/c he loved you. And still does.
I am not sure what to say, I'm sorry that it is still a struggle for you. I know that you can't force sleep, vitamins and stuff on someone who might not want them (I know that I can't!) I think the one bad thing here is that the affair didn't end naturally, it didn't die naturally - which I expect it would have, when he finally realized the type of person she is.
For some reason, I'm not sure he realizes that yet. If he did, he'd probably be kicking himself.
I think the most important thing is to make a nice home, get yourself the exercise, vitamins, sleep, etc. Take care of you on a daily basis. It really helps. You cannot change him. No matter what you do or say, he can choose to do what he wants. Make your life happy, and hopefully H will see that as well.
I know it's hard, I don't know how you haven't kicked her ass yet, really. And I'd probably have forwarded that co-worker stuff to someone at the top get her fired.
Good luck in this! You deserve better than to be stressed out over everything going on.
I keep up with your thread, and am filled with admiration for your perseverance and faith to follow through.
In the end, your H never left home, he is still with you, he has shared with you much of what went on with OW, and those are all positive things. He is also expressing affection and some remorse/regret. That can't be bad either. I would take Ellie's advice to heart, she's the one who's been there, done that, and got the T-shirt, although I don't believe her drama played out over such a long period of time.
Is there any way you can involve your H in sharing books, like the Five Love Languages, After the Affair etc, so he gets to hear what your needs are? And what his are right now?
Sending good thoughts your way,
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi Gals, I didnt even get time to read your responses till just now, thanks for your support and suggestions, I will post more tomorrow, every point you all make is excellent.
I'm just tired, tired tired of his backtreading to where she's good/ok. I seem to do much better when he's po'd at the b---h. but it also drives me nuts here in this building when I hear them page her.....I always think they have to page her because she's sneaking off and calling H, especially when I don't hear much from him (she used to do that)... Of course I probably didnt help myself much by watching Fatal attraction when H was helping move the kids....some of it hit way too close to home.
I won't have much time to post till later today, but was just going to throw in that H seemed very depressed last night, I tried to just "act as if" and be calm and supportive. Of course, I wanted to ask if this had to do with monster, but didnt say a word. AND then it came out, of course it did....H said he found her in the singles room on MSN....I'll have to look, but anyway, it bothers me that 1)he's there looking for her/checking up on her 2)he still is so damn wrapped up in her that he'd do that 3) he gives enough of a damn that it bothers him. 4)he spent time doing that when he could have been emailing me.
Did I mention I'm sick of this?
If I can find her, I'll give you all the trail, you can check her out.
then of course the other part that bugs the hell out of me is, WHAT THE HELL DOES THE IDIOT EXPECT AFTER ALL THIS???????????????????????????????????????????????
