this is so hard. after all this time, I still struggle. Saturday or yesterday, I found out that for the last 2 weeks, monster has been emailing H, a lot, with all kinds of guilt trip crap, about how she has congestive heart failure, and she can't hang on much longer for him because it is making her blood pressure uncontrollable, and she has lost so much from him that she is all depressed and shut down and just can't feel anything for anyone anymore, and she's not sure she'd want him back if he did divorce me, and how she's using her treadmill and losing weight; how her knee is so damaged and injured that she can't use the break room in the new addition (she'd have to walk down a short hall and take an elevator) but has to walk a city block to use the one H uses....evidently she showed up there when he was there the day of the staff meeting and emailing started that day.
H told me he "composed a draft" to send to her supervisor asking the supervisor to be his contact on the med staff and that he sent the draft to monster. I can't even think what all else, but I am sooooo tired of this. over and over again he has said "no contact" and then lets her draw him back into personal stuff through professional contacts. I don't know why he can't say it, mean it, and make it stick. This s--t will never end until he does.
I was pretty broken hearted this morning, we actually had a pretty good weekend, but it hit me hard coming back to work today. h got somewhat fired up at my being upset....said he wasnt going to tell me anything after this if it upsets me so much. that he needs time to heal, I asked him "how long?" and he said he didnt know.....that if I hadnt hauled him off over that weekend he wouldnt have been so sad (I could tell by the look on his face what was on his mind that weekend, the last time he was in that town for fun was with her). Which makes me think that probably he has more of a role in the contact after his "sadness" than he lets me know. I told him I could tell he was sad, and it made me feel bad, but I wouldnt have made arrangements for us to go there unless he'd suggested it.
Over the weekend, we just "hung out" a lot, napped, ml, watched a movie, tried to do a bit of work around the house (currently hopeless)....
I told him when he first brought up the emails that she is doing this to keep herself positioned in his mind, and he agreed. We were driving to church Sat. evening, and a car that looked just like her's pulled in behind us, and I thought H was going to jump out of his skin. her mother and sister acted as though they were expecting her to join them in the pew, evidently this has been an argument between she and h as well.
i rented Fatal attraction over the weekend, havent watched it yet, not sure why I rented it. I had it sitting on the kitchen island, and h wanted to know why i'd rented it, I said I didnt know, just thought I'd watch it, and H said "you don't have to watch it, you're living it" which I did not think was good. I just ignored his comment though. D heard us talking, and said she'd seen part of it, it wasnt worth watching, and if I wanted to see Glenn Close she has much better movies.
Yesterday I did mention to him about the "not just friends" book that has the chapter "handling the intrusions of the other person"...and asked what it said (truly couldnt remember except that you have to be firm to the point of seeming mean) and H said that it said to expect them to have strong reactions, and that not reacting and getting drawn in was what a person had to do....so at least I had the chance to bring that to his mind. He commented how he had been afraid and dreading her showing up at church the whole time we were there. He called what she does "stalking"...I mentioned the possibility of getting a restraining order if she didnt stop...he alluded that that was a possibility.
This morning I got these emails from H:
Quote: Deb; I sure love you! Please have a no fret kind of day. I checked no monster mail. I swear if you want to see “happy D” just let the kid’s closing go through and let’s get them moved. I swear we can clean a lot of stuff out of the basement that is (D24’s) and she has plenty of room for it. I loved our weekend, just nothing much happening, we had time for a movie. When the kids go and we actually can get the house clean, the kids can visit but go home and their damn pets won’t be there making it such a crowded mess. My stress level will drop and I will be happier. This has nothing to do with Monster, actually there is no way I would want the stress of her back in my life, it makes me sick to think about. I love you and our new improved life. We are on the right track we just need to enjoy and give it time to grow. Your D
;
Quote: Thanks for the e-mail. I do hope you are feeling better! You are right the little monster is only as much of a problem as we let her be and I’m thinking she's just like a fly that comes in every once in a while that you have to shoo away, eventually it flies off and you just realize that after it hasn’t bugged you in a while. Yep, getting the house back and making it into what we would like it to be would be wonderful. I’m thinking we need to pour a slab and get S13 his basketball goal. I think if we played he’d get the confidence to try out next year and that he’d enjoy the sport. For S, with SIL and D back life is so much better and I’m glad for him as he was so anxious and with his friend moving had a huge gap in his life. I guess like you say God always finds a way, we just need to trust that and allow it to happen. As for Monster, I am absolutely certain life with her would be miserable and I did not want to be there. I realize that she made me feel a lot of guilt feeding on my interest and desire to help people and my ego as she always made me feel so important. I now understand it was so much B.S. and have let it go. I love you. Your D
;
Quote: Thanks for the e-mail, I too need them today. I swear it’s a wonder we get anything done given the complexity of the Fing paperwork!! You are doing better with the dramatic statements, but you didn’t put that you’d die for me! Haha, just teasing. Old monster had the talk but certainly lacked the walk! I love you and you do so show me everyday that what you say is true. I say we don’t dwell on the past but on our future. Well, I've got to go, I sure love you! Your D
Quote: I do appreciate your honesty and always have. You are a good person and believe you me that is hard to find this day in age. Let’s see if the old monster doesn’t mind her P’s and Q’s. I am encouraged that she is parking in the far lot, I pray she stays out of church and I think perhaps she just might be trying. I agree if she just has to be an @ss then the whoop @ss is the next option!! I don’t imagine it’d be much of a fight. See more motivation for you to keep working out!!! Well, I need to keep on working. Love you! Later Dan
(ok, I admit here, he'd joked about me never saying I'd die for him like monster did, and I told him if I was going to do that, I was going to at least open a big can of whoop @ss on her first, and die freed of my frustration)
on the one hand, some of these seem good, in that he seems to have gained some insight and be on to her "tricks"; but I get discouraged because still he lets her draw him in and push his guilt buttons.
and I realize in looking back, that these last 2 weeks when he has seemed down and pulled away and been complaining about the work load and being behind on paperwork, has been when he's been back in contact with her, regardless of which one of them started it.
Looking back at the beginning of this thread was startling also, because it goes back to the 1st part of December, and he was talking about having to go "Do Paperwork" then....we had a fight, as recorded in the thread, and now I know, again my damn instincts were right, that is when she was giving him the "its the season of miracles, get a divorce and come back" spiel.
I am so sick of this. I havent heard from him this afternoon, I have a hard time keeping my mind on work and from crying. I just dont' know what to think anymore. I swear I feel like he comes to the brink of going back to her, and it scares the holy living daylights out of me. I'm just not sure I have much left to go through this again.
I'm just praying that the kids' house closing goes through on Wednesday. Evidently there were 2 inspection items that didnt go through that they just found out about that are required for their loan program, they can be taken care of with out too much problem, but it could slow things down, and we are really about at the end of the rope. I know it's hard for them too.
H also commented this morning that actually monsters whining crap is good, that anytime he starts to "wax romantic" about her, she comes up with all this weird off the wall crap and it reminds him really fast of how nuts it all made him. and he talked about the process of "reclaiming territory" where they had gone, that that's not only what "not just friends" talks about, it's what he tell clients as well; that it was a big mistake to have taken her all those places, that we will have to reclaim them and find our own places.
I just wish i knew what else to do. I did get an email just now saying 'hi", that always helps a bit.
I have made an appointment with credit counseling to see waht might be done to work on the finance issues, and plan to contact a mortgage company here in town that was highly recommended. I guess I need to do that no matter what happens.
