Quote: . he said yes, a lot of it, and that his bday is coming up and that's always hard for him as well (that is true, it has been a hellish time for years); i asked him why and he said he didnt know.
Well, so now we know the real reason he's been in such a mood - he may have ended his affair, but he hasn't dealt with the reason for his MLC in the first place, that pesky old fear of death and dying. Add to that that his birthday reminds him that he isn't where he thought he would be in his career and his finances and other things.....
So - how can you handle this differently? For one thing, the two of you need to figure out a way to get on the same page financially, so that you feel supported by each other in your mutual goal to reduce your debt. Dave Ramsey has a series of books and workbooks that might be good for your situation (and a radio show and workshops and a website). His mantra is "debt free" and I'm thinking that his message would appeal to your H, while providing real concrete things that can be done to get there.
One simple way you can deal with him better right off the bat is to validate. When he starts getting anxious about the finances and spewing at you, instead of getting defensive and hitting back with "you spent this money too!" (I'd love to see an accounting of how much money his affair cost!) - how about something like this:
"I know this debt makes you feel anxious, H. It causes me anxiety too. But instead of fighting with each other over it, let's join forces and figure out some creative ways we can reduce this debt."
Then start with a family budget, figure out how much you have to put towards your debt each month. If it's not much, figure out how you might bring in a little extra income each month to apply to the bills (even $200 a month could really help). Figure out where you could cut expenses. And figure out how to reduce your interest rate on that debt.
I never like to see short-term debt like this tacked onto a house mortgage, but if the interest rates on your cards are really high, AND you trust that you have developed the fiscal discipline necessary to pay it down, you might find that you can pay it down more quickly if you transfer it to a line of credit on the house. Not a good idea, though, if you'll do what most people do - transfer the debt to the house, then run up the credit cards again.
