Gonna make time to post, I hit a cheeseless tunnel and I'm kinda struggling right now with PMA, have been for the last week. First, my cheeseless tunnel: I went through and cleaned out my computer this morning. 3 yrs of emails from H, before A started, in going back through them I could tell you exactly when he 1st went to see her....from an email he sent me on 6/6 or 7 2003.....and I saw how distant we used to be, and then I saw how it seemed like we were each very tentatively reaching out to each other. Really brought up a lot of emotion for me. very mixed emotions. I responded to an email from H that I was missing him and it made me sad, and got lambasted out of the blue with this:
Quote: Sad?? Geez, can’t you wait a few hours? I’m having a fairly good day, but need to get more work churned, it’s just too easy to find other people to chat with and I don’t get it done. I love you and we’ll be home and enjoy the evening and weekend together. Later D
caught me off guard, and REALLY made me feel sad! I tried to reply that "wistful" was a better word than sad and I always want him to have a good day. but deleted it by accident, so have gone dark by not responding, have had 2 really non-committal ones from him. Ick I hate this, and I thought we were doing so well. Reading those old emails really made my blood run cold though. awful so "chilly" and distant. So background on last couple of weeks: Our department in moving into new offices back in the main building, in different wing from H, but under same roof. (actually same wing, different floor as monster) the moving is hell, but it will be nice, I've not had a private office for 15 years and now will. plus a NEW part of the building. Today is my first day back where I hear the pages when H is in this office, and I have not heard him paged once, which makes me think he's not been paged for an appt., so why is he so snappish? brings back all kinds of "stuff" from the bad ol days when he only had eyes/ears for monster. Of course, if he's in his office doing paperwork, they would call him on the phone and not page him. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago H and monster had another email fight. I can sometimes talk him down, but I was gone and they seemed to get into it. It ended with him emailing the entire thread to the CEO complaining about monster.....after monster had emailed it to his supervisor. fighting like a couple of grade schoolers. Lord have mercy
So the next day H sent an email that somehow goaded monster into calling him at the out of town office. Evidently he told her then in no uncertain terms that NO CONTACT was what he demanded, she was to become invisible to the two of us or he would blow the whistle on her stealing drugs out of the med closet and carrying on with other guys here, and have not only her job but her nursing license....and he would send the dvd he has of her internet sex films (whatever it is you do for sex on the net that other people can play) to her Xh and testify at the custody hearing (it's a hot item between monster and her x) and get her D taken from her as well. By being invisible she is to park in a different lot, have no voice or eye contact with either of us other than what must be done for work...and LEAVE US BOTH ALONE is how h tells me he put it to her. ok, so, last week, she parked in a different lot, seemed to be doing just that....but... Monday night (week ago yesterday) H opened the phone bill in front of me....from standing 2 ft from him, I could see 3 phone calls to her. right in a row. looked like they were maybe the 3rd wk or middle of Jan....I asked if he'd been calling her, and tears ran down my face....h said "why" all defensively....said he'd called her, a short call, 15 minutes or so, to tell her they "can't be friends" that it doesnt work, that it "puts his head in the wrong place" said that she agreed. So, back then I think I was kinda feeling like he was pulling away from me emotionally a bit, and trying to dismiss it..... H was tearful, talked about how guilty and remorseful he feels, that he let me down and let her down, didnt keep his word to her after she went and bought her house and all....puke.puke puke. I told him (managed to stay pretty calm, although tears ran down my face) that it feels like he's been lying to me when I see that. he said "I know, I'm sorry" ...then got kind of beligerant and said "it was nothing, it was short, do you think I would have opened it in front of you if it wasnt? I forgot all about it"....we had another sleepless night. I decided I needed to try to renew my focus on dropping the rope and being the best I can be (dang, sounds like one of those Army ads)....and worked real hard at it. Saturday before this past one, monsters mom handed out communion at church (ick) and elicited a discussion with H saying he believes her mom and sister DO know about him, and about other guys. how her mom has been so upset she's told her to stay at the church in her little town, and has talked to the priests in our church.
So fast forward to this Saturday evening, in church, I get this weird feeling ....that she's there....look at a gal ahead of us, and realized "no, that's not her", heave a sigh of relief, and then glance to the side.....damned if monster ISNT there....sitting beside her mother and sister with her D...and being OH SO cute and defiant....laughing and putting her arm around her D and flipping her hair and really putting on a show....she actually kept striking this "sweater girl" pose.....you know what I mean.....head tilted back, look up and kind of to the right (direction we were sitting) and flipping her hair....this is what she used to do 2 or 3 years ago when she'd get H to come running back to her every damn time. Drove me nuts. this time, I didnt feel like throwing up, just thought "nice hair cut, but her nose looks like a witch".... H didnt look at her all weepy and longingly like he used to. In fact he looked pissed. several times the next day he commented about it. H actually said "I don't know what the hell all that hair flipping and carrying on was for. Not one other person in church was behaving that way" (duuuuuhhhh H, you noticed?) I told him that she obviously wanted to get his attention, for what ever reason. H said he didnt know what her hanging all over her D was about either, that "she doesnt do that normally"...I told him that was the same show I always got to watch at religious ed classes when she brought her D here.
So, fast forward to yesterday, to start off with I got this email from H:
Quote: Good Morning! I sure love you! Tell me how your first day in the new office goes, if you have any hair flipping monster calls. I think now you might just “accidentally” bump her and let her know it will get physical if she wants to keep up the [censored]! Oh well, enough of that, I’ve got a ton of work to get after so I’d better get going on it now! Later Your D
then this one after my reply, I asked him if he'd heard from her
Quote: Please stop fretting. Monster hasn't contacted me and I really don't expect her to. If she makes a big deal then it opens the door to tell all on her ass and I'm sure she doesn't want that, (boss) would probable just fire her ass and she knows it, at least I've pretty well convinced her of that. She's really in no position to be starting [censored] with anybody. another Well, I got to go. I love you! Your D
So yesterday morning I did see she was back in the old parking lot, 2 spaces from H....I walked out the door at lunch in time to walk right out behind her on the sidewalk, got in my car, (just opposite hers) at the exact same time, and followed her out of the lot, and down several streets until she turned off at a fast food joint...I noticed after lunch and today she parked in the lot behind the building again.
Last night H gave my Valentines gift....a nice candle and a really nice, romantic card...better than last year, he gave a candle then also, the littlest cheapes one he could find, and a card that was so incredibly tacky, although he did sign it "love" ...I thanked him a lot last year though, and profusely this year, the card actually made me cry. Still only wrote "love D" though. This morning i gave him his card, which was a nice romantic one, and he actually seemed to like it. and put it on his night stand. I'll give him his gift tonight (not very romantice either, a "hoodie" sweatshirt)... I did ask him if he might want to out of town somewhere and spend the night Sunday for a late valentines day, (we have monday off and D & her H can watch S) and he said he would like that!!!!! and sounded happy!!!!! so I'm gonna make a motel reservation....gotta get that done.
so, that's my story.....I think.........2 steps forward, 1 back I guess.
ok, gonna run, I think I may have found a motel for Sunday night with a jacuzzi suite. i may reserve it and surprise H. I keep trying to remind myself of what Ellie told me so long ago, that dbing's like riding a motorcycle, if you don't want to go in the ditch, don't look there.
I dunno, we may actually be doing fine, I'm just stressed and strained and so is H. monster's sure wanting attention though.
ok, gonna run, I think I may have found a motel for Sunday night with a jacuzzi suite. i may reserve it and surprise H. I keep trying to remind myself of what Ellie told me so long ago, that dbing's like riding a motorcycle, if you don't want to go in the ditch, don't look there.
I dunno, we may actually be doing fine, I'm just stressed and strained and so is H. monster's sure wanting attention though.
Deb, sounds like things really are going pretty well. I don't hear as much concern about monster in your post as there used to be. I feel your need to be clingy. Sometimes I do that too. Gotta talk myself out of it. It just makes him cranky. I love the motorcycle/ditch thing. I've got to keep that in my mind. Glad to hear from you--keep it up!
Hi Mollie and all...I've been so busy at work and home not getting much time to post, I do try to keep up with folks here, but dont' respond much.... I'm kinda having a tough day today, had a tough day yesterday. Weekend was weird. It seems like H is back in his tunnel again....ouch, and damn it anyway.
to recap...I made the reservations for the jacuzzi suite, at an upscale hotel on the riverfront in the town where H went to grad school, an place we both like and he'd said he'd like to go to...told him about it last Tuesday night, and he said it sounded like fun, and he was excited.
I tried to think of things go do to make it special and fun. got new spicy undies and nighties, the leather jacket I've had on layaway since before xmas. packed a handpicked 6-pack of special ales and beers, and packed glasses for them, even packed candles (forgot the matches, though ) So, we get there, and H seems to start withdrawing, he did say "I'm afraid to ask what this cost".... H was probably last in this town for "fun" with monster...I know that he took her there at least once when he was supposedly going to "workshops". I thought it was odd he said he would like to go there, of all places, and thought perhaps it was part of "reclaiming territory" that some of the books talk about. He seemed to become more and more quiet and withdrawn. I let him choose where we went for dinner, and he chose this little rustic "hole in the wall" pizzaria, where I know he went w/ow (he told me all about it)....As we ate I saw him begin to look so sad, I thought he was going to cry, but I didnt say anything.
We walked down main street for a while, checked out the bookstores, went back to the room. Watched a porno flick. Yuk, we both found it a huge turnoff. I didnt find anything at all appealing, in fact it kinda made me feel disgusted at the whole thought of sex. H agreed. So I do think we've put those on our don't do over list.
Soaked in the hot tub for all of 1/2 hour. ML, and H is often more excited at home.... Had a restless and nearly sleepless night, because it made have been an expensive room, but it had a lousy matress.
had room-service breakfast next morning, showered, checked out an hour early, went back to window shop mainstreet a couple of hours, made some little purchases in an antique store and sporting goods store, and drove home. H was really quiet and withdrawn the whole time. I comment once that he seemed sad, and he said "just mellow", but I know sad H when I see sad H.
got home to a house that had obviously been lived in by 1 teenager and 2 young adults in teenager mode: dirty dishes, stopped up sink, laundry left in machines, all food eaten OR burnt in pans...blesh.
H still was withdrawn and kind of sullen even. we unpacked, I picked up some of the "junk", went to workout shortly after H did. H was still grumpy, telling me I needed to be working harder....should be doing more. then he commented that I was "too damn fat". I lost it, that really hurt. I got teared up, but didnt say anything, just left and went upstairs so he wouldnt see how upset I was. In all honestly that is the truth, but it cut me to the quick to hear him say it. I am working out, but not doing at all well with losing weight. Later he came upstairs and hugged me, and said "I'm sorry for what I said, I shouldnt have said that. I told him that I'm trying, I need his support and that really hurt...he said he knew that, was sorry, and was trying to be supportive (?????)....I dropped it and worked on cleaning the kitchen, while H watched olympics.
After we went to bed, I decided to "back off" of the hugs, etc., so I pretty much stayed on my side of the bed. later in the night I did hug him and say ILY, and he said "no you don't"...I asked what he meant by that, and he said "you wouldnt act like this if you did"...I asked what he meant by that, and he said "I'm having a hard time and you get all clingy and upset and that makes it worse for me"....I just patted his shoulder and rolled over, but give me a break. Choking him seemed like a reasonable option at the time. I found myself thinking "why the hell am I busting my butt for this guy, do I really want to spend the rest of my life putting up with this?"....
Earlier in the evening I had mentioned that I am still planning to get a new bike (yes, I know been planning that 2 years) and he gives me his usual lecture that that is a bad idea, walking is what I need to do and I need to listen to him and blah blah blah.
Before work this morning he commented that he is really stressed out to the max between work and having D and SIL living with us, that having them there has taken away the "space" he needs to "reconstruct himself" in order to deal with his stressful job. That things are fine with "us" but he is just overwhelmed. BAD KARMA there, if I ever heard it.
On the one hand it is stressful, but I really don't understand what is THAT bad about it. They are not rude or intrusive, although obviously not terribly helpful. They should close on their own house 3/15 or before, so hopefully we can make it that long.
This morning I got this email from him:
Quote: Deb; I love you!! I’m sorry for being so grumpy this morning, I’m just having a hard time with the kids trashing everything up, sinks not working etc… I did talk to (supervisor) about (job applicant) and he was pretty excited and even said he’d buy me lunch if they hired him, I figure that is in the bank!! Well, I need to get my first person so I’ll talk with you later. Your D
I've had a couple of other emails from him, pretty business like, one commenting that it's nice because monster is gone today and he won't have to worry about running into her in the halls.
I don't think I posted this, but one time last week he commented that he was going to have to get a divorce to keep from having to declare bankruptcy because of my credit cards (they are bad but not THAT bad, and don't have his name on them); I got upset at that one, and choking back tears told him he could have a divorce if he wanted one. Just couldnt pull off being chipper at the time. He said he was just blowing off steam, he didnt want a divorce, but that he had expected to be better off financially by this time in his life and he is tired of waiting and not seeing us make much progress, and worried about S13 and college. which I understand.
So, I don't know, he is really weird and all over the place. I have not responded to his last email, don't think I will. I'm going to "go grey" again, try to drop all expectations, I dont' know if I put too much effort into the overnight getaway, but I'm thinking maybe I did.
I am still trying to work on losing weight but I swear it seems hopeless. even with more strenuous workouts. Everything feels pretty overwhelming to me right now, but I try to just put the hurt feelings and negatives out of my mind. I was so upset yesterday, I was ready to lamblast him, but I kept reminding myself that we "create our own realities" and worked really hard to stay as calm and pleasant as possible. I'm sure I didnt do a great job of faking it though, gotten kind of out of practice.
I wish we could just kind of "hole up" at home for a while, that is what H usually does, anything else seems to cause him "pressure", but we have a neices wedding this weekend out of town, so that's the weekend, and the weekend after that a birthday for H at his parents....so that is out for a long time.
I dunno, any thoughts out there on what the heck could be going on with him, and what I might try (other than choking, I mean)
Oh yeah, h commented that "this is what happens, things get "out of kilter", you get depressed, and it puts more pressure on me". poor baby, on 2nd thought maybe I do want to go straight to choking. I'm almost willing to bet that he will complain tonight that I didnt respond to his emails. Don't know how I'll respond if he does.
you know, right now I find I'm not really sure if I do want to fool with his crap for the rest of my life.
Ellie, if you happen to see this, I have a question. I recall you posting something about thyroid having more of an effect at a "normal" range than is common knowledge. What range did you tell someone? sorry, I cant' recall what thread I saw this posted on, but I'm wondering because I have such a darned lousy time losing any weight, and just had my physical. thyroid was 2.63 --normal, but I recall your comments that sometimes "normal" was "low"...my total cholesteral is 143, blood sugar 83, so I cant' understand why those numbers are good if my diet is so awful.
of course, last night I mentioned I should ask if they had checked my thyroid, and loving H said "you can overcome a low thyroid, you just have to workout harder".
I keep wondering what is going on w/H, is it really just the stress of the "kids", is he pushing buttons to test me, is he looking for excuses--reasons that I "come up short"--to justify something ugly he's gonna do?????? has done???? I really don't know what to think, it seems like having a clue might point out an optimal way to proceed from here. Again, besides choking, I mean.
Ellie, if you happen to see this, I was wondering about the thyroid range you've mentioned before to people??????? the question is probably 2 or 3 posts back.
yeah, I know, looking for a quick fix. I admit it.
Deb, sorry things are not going well right now. I understand the feeling of being sick and tired of the crap. I remind myself that if it wasn't his crap it would be someone else's! It helps a little. Do you think you might be taking some things personal that aren't? Especially if you are feeling bad about your weight right now. If you don't like you then you may perceive that others don't too. I do that sometimes.
I've had real good results with the Zone diet. A more balanced carb, fat and protein diet. Eating only good carbs like fruit and veggies and lean meats. It keeps your insulin level instead of up and down. You can find lots of info about it on the internet. I think the South Beach diet is kind of the same.
So, maybe give him 24 hours and see how he is. Do you sometimes have off days when you just feel kind of depressed and sad and don't want to be bothered. Maybe that is what is happening with him. You see it as him pulling away and you want to grab him and cling on. I totally know that feeling. I have to find something else to do when I feel that way cuz it makes him angry too. He might just be in his cave for a little thinking alone time and it happened to be when you were trying to have a romantic time.
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