Hi Mollie and all...I've been so busy at work and home not getting much time to post, I do try to keep up with folks here, but dont' respond much.... I'm kinda having a tough day today, had a tough day yesterday. Weekend was weird. It seems like H is back in his tunnel again....ouch, and damn it anyway.
to recap...I made the reservations for the jacuzzi suite, at an upscale hotel on the riverfront in the town where H went to grad school, an place we both like and he'd said he'd like to go to...told him about it last Tuesday night, and he said it sounded like fun, and he was excited.
I tried to think of things go do to make it special and fun. got new spicy undies and nighties, the leather jacket I've had on layaway since before xmas. packed a handpicked 6-pack of special ales and beers, and packed glasses for them, even packed candles (forgot the matches, though ) So, we get there, and H seems to start withdrawing, he did say "I'm afraid to ask what this cost".... H was probably last in this town for "fun" with monster...I know that he took her there at least once when he was supposedly going to "workshops". I thought it was odd he said he would like to go there, of all places, and thought perhaps it was part of "reclaiming territory" that some of the books talk about. He seemed to become more and more quiet and withdrawn. I let him choose where we went for dinner, and he chose this little rustic "hole in the wall" pizzaria, where I know he went w/ow (he told me all about it)....As we ate I saw him begin to look so sad, I thought he was going to cry, but I didnt say anything.
We walked down main street for a while, checked out the bookstores, went back to the room. Watched a porno flick. Yuk, we both found it a huge turnoff. I didnt find anything at all appealing, in fact it kinda made me feel disgusted at the whole thought of sex. H agreed. So I do think we've put those on our don't do over list.
Soaked in the hot tub for all of 1/2 hour. ML, and H is often more excited at home.... Had a restless and nearly sleepless night, because it made have been an expensive room, but it had a lousy matress.
had room-service breakfast next morning, showered, checked out an hour early, went back to window shop mainstreet a couple of hours, made some little purchases in an antique store and sporting goods store, and drove home. H was really quiet and withdrawn the whole time. I comment once that he seemed sad, and he said "just mellow", but I know sad H when I see sad H.
got home to a house that had obviously been lived in by 1 teenager and 2 young adults in teenager mode: dirty dishes, stopped up sink, laundry left in machines, all food eaten OR burnt in pans...blesh.
H still was withdrawn and kind of sullen even. we unpacked, I picked up some of the "junk", went to workout shortly after H did. H was still grumpy, telling me I needed to be working harder....should be doing more. then he commented that I was "too damn fat". I lost it, that really hurt. I got teared up, but didnt say anything, just left and went upstairs so he wouldnt see how upset I was. In all honestly that is the truth, but it cut me to the quick to hear him say it. I am working out, but not doing at all well with losing weight. Later he came upstairs and hugged me, and said "I'm sorry for what I said, I shouldnt have said that. I told him that I'm trying, I need his support and that really hurt...he said he knew that, was sorry, and was trying to be supportive (?????)....I dropped it and worked on cleaning the kitchen, while H watched olympics.
After we went to bed, I decided to "back off" of the hugs, etc., so I pretty much stayed on my side of the bed. later in the night I did hug him and say ILY, and he said "no you don't"...I asked what he meant by that, and he said "you wouldnt act like this if you did"...I asked what he meant by that, and he said "I'm having a hard time and you get all clingy and upset and that makes it worse for me"....I just patted his shoulder and rolled over, but give me a break. Choking him seemed like a reasonable option at the time. I found myself thinking "why the hell am I busting my butt for this guy, do I really want to spend the rest of my life putting up with this?"....
Earlier in the evening I had mentioned that I am still planning to get a new bike (yes, I know been planning that 2 years) and he gives me his usual lecture that that is a bad idea, walking is what I need to do and I need to listen to him and blah blah blah.
Before work this morning he commented that he is really stressed out to the max between work and having D and SIL living with us, that having them there has taken away the "space" he needs to "reconstruct himself" in order to deal with his stressful job. That things are fine with "us" but he is just overwhelmed. BAD KARMA there, if I ever heard it.
On the one hand it is stressful, but I really don't understand what is THAT bad about it. They are not rude or intrusive, although obviously not terribly helpful. They should close on their own house 3/15 or before, so hopefully we can make it that long.
This morning I got this email from him:
Quote: Deb; I love you!! I’m sorry for being so grumpy this morning, I’m just having a hard time with the kids trashing everything up, sinks not working etc… I did talk to (supervisor) about (job applicant) and he was pretty excited and even said he’d buy me lunch if they hired him, I figure that is in the bank!! Well, I need to get my first person so I’ll talk with you later. Your D
I've had a couple of other emails from him, pretty business like, one commenting that it's nice because monster is gone today and he won't have to worry about running into her in the halls.
I don't think I posted this, but one time last week he commented that he was going to have to get a divorce to keep from having to declare bankruptcy because of my credit cards (they are bad but not THAT bad, and don't have his name on them); I got upset at that one, and choking back tears told him he could have a divorce if he wanted one. Just couldnt pull off being chipper at the time. He said he was just blowing off steam, he didnt want a divorce, but that he had expected to be better off financially by this time in his life and he is tired of waiting and not seeing us make much progress, and worried about S13 and college. which I understand.
So, I don't know, he is really weird and all over the place. I have not responded to his last email, don't think I will. I'm going to "go grey" again, try to drop all expectations, I dont' know if I put too much effort into the overnight getaway, but I'm thinking maybe I did.
I am still trying to work on losing weight but I swear it seems hopeless. even with more strenuous workouts. Everything feels pretty overwhelming to me right now, but I try to just put the hurt feelings and negatives out of my mind. I was so upset yesterday, I was ready to lamblast him, but I kept reminding myself that we "create our own realities" and worked really hard to stay as calm and pleasant as possible. I'm sure I didnt do a great job of faking it though, gotten kind of out of practice.
I wish we could just kind of "hole up" at home for a while, that is what H usually does, anything else seems to cause him "pressure", but we have a neices wedding this weekend out of town, so that's the weekend, and the weekend after that a birthday for H at his parents....so that is out for a long time.
I dunno, any thoughts out there on what the heck could be going on with him, and what I might try (other than choking, I mean)
Oh yeah, h commented that "this is what happens, things get "out of kilter", you get depressed, and it puts more pressure on me". poor baby, on 2nd thought maybe I do want to go straight to choking. I'm almost willing to bet that he will complain tonight that I didnt respond to his emails. Don't know how I'll respond if he does.
you know, right now I find I'm not really sure if I do want to fool with his crap for the rest of my life.
) 
