Gonna make time to post, I hit a cheeseless tunnel and I'm kinda struggling right now with PMA, have been for the last week. First, my cheeseless tunnel: I went through and cleaned out my computer this morning. 3 yrs of emails from H, before A started, in going back through them I could tell you exactly when he 1st went to see her....from an email he sent me on 6/6 or 7 2003.....and I saw how distant we used to be, and then I saw how it seemed like we were each very tentatively reaching out to each other. Really brought up a lot of emotion for me. very mixed emotions. I responded to an email from H that I was missing him and it made me sad, and got lambasted out of the blue with this:
Quote: Sad?? Geez, can’t you wait a few hours? I’m having a fairly good day, but need to get more work churned, it’s just too easy to find other people to chat with and I don’t get it done. I love you and we’ll be home and enjoy the evening and weekend together. Later D
caught me off guard, and REALLY made me feel sad! I tried to reply that "wistful" was a better word than sad and I always want him to have a good day. but deleted it by accident, so have gone dark by not responding, have had 2 really non-committal ones from him. Ick I hate this, and I thought we were doing so well. Reading those old emails really made my blood run cold though. awful so "chilly" and distant. So background on last couple of weeks: Our department in moving into new offices back in the main building, in different wing from H, but under same roof. (actually same wing, different floor as monster) the moving is hell, but it will be nice, I've not had a private office for 15 years and now will. plus a NEW part of the building. Today is my first day back where I hear the pages when H is in this office, and I have not heard him paged once, which makes me think he's not been paged for an appt., so why is he so snappish? brings back all kinds of "stuff" from the bad ol days when he only had eyes/ears for monster. Of course, if he's in his office doing paperwork, they would call him on the phone and not page him. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago H and monster had another email fight. I can sometimes talk him down, but I was gone and they seemed to get into it. It ended with him emailing the entire thread to the CEO complaining about monster.....after monster had emailed it to his supervisor. fighting like a couple of grade schoolers. Lord have mercy
So the next day H sent an email that somehow goaded monster into calling him at the out of town office. Evidently he told her then in no uncertain terms that NO CONTACT was what he demanded, she was to become invisible to the two of us or he would blow the whistle on her stealing drugs out of the med closet and carrying on with other guys here, and have not only her job but her nursing license....and he would send the dvd he has of her internet sex films (whatever it is you do for sex on the net that other people can play) to her Xh and testify at the custody hearing (it's a hot item between monster and her x) and get her D taken from her as well. By being invisible she is to park in a different lot, have no voice or eye contact with either of us other than what must be done for work...and LEAVE US BOTH ALONE is how h tells me he put it to her. ok, so, last week, she parked in a different lot, seemed to be doing just that....but... Monday night (week ago yesterday) H opened the phone bill in front of me....from standing 2 ft from him, I could see 3 phone calls to her. right in a row. looked like they were maybe the 3rd wk or middle of Jan....I asked if he'd been calling her, and tears ran down my face....h said "why" all defensively....said he'd called her, a short call, 15 minutes or so, to tell her they "can't be friends" that it doesnt work, that it "puts his head in the wrong place" said that she agreed. So, back then I think I was kinda feeling like he was pulling away from me emotionally a bit, and trying to dismiss it..... H was tearful, talked about how guilty and remorseful he feels, that he let me down and let her down, didnt keep his word to her after she went and bought her house and all....puke.puke puke. I told him (managed to stay pretty calm, although tears ran down my face) that it feels like he's been lying to me when I see that. he said "I know, I'm sorry" ...then got kind of beligerant and said "it was nothing, it was short, do you think I would have opened it in front of you if it wasnt? I forgot all about it"....we had another sleepless night. I decided I needed to try to renew my focus on dropping the rope and being the best I can be (dang, sounds like one of those Army ads)....and worked real hard at it. Saturday before this past one, monsters mom handed out communion at church (ick) and elicited a discussion with H saying he believes her mom and sister DO know about him, and about other guys. how her mom has been so upset she's told her to stay at the church in her little town, and has talked to the priests in our church.
So fast forward to this Saturday evening, in church, I get this weird feeling ....that she's there....look at a gal ahead of us, and realized "no, that's not her", heave a sigh of relief, and then glance to the side.....damned if monster ISNT there....sitting beside her mother and sister with her D...and being OH SO cute and defiant....laughing and putting her arm around her D and flipping her hair and really putting on a show....she actually kept striking this "sweater girl" pose.....you know what I mean.....head tilted back, look up and kind of to the right (direction we were sitting) and flipping her hair....this is what she used to do 2 or 3 years ago when she'd get H to come running back to her every damn time. Drove me nuts. this time, I didnt feel like throwing up, just thought "nice hair cut, but her nose looks like a witch".... H didnt look at her all weepy and longingly like he used to. In fact he looked pissed. several times the next day he commented about it. H actually said "I don't know what the hell all that hair flipping and carrying on was for. Not one other person in church was behaving that way" (duuuuuhhhh H, you noticed?) I told him that she obviously wanted to get his attention, for what ever reason. H said he didnt know what her hanging all over her D was about either, that "she doesnt do that normally"...I told him that was the same show I always got to watch at religious ed classes when she brought her D here.
So, fast forward to yesterday, to start off with I got this email from H:
Quote: Good Morning! I sure love you! Tell me how your first day in the new office goes, if you have any hair flipping monster calls. I think now you might just “accidentally” bump her and let her know it will get physical if she wants to keep up the [censored]! Oh well, enough of that, I’ve got a ton of work to get after so I’d better get going on it now! Later Your D
then this one after my reply, I asked him if he'd heard from her
Quote: Please stop fretting. Monster hasn't contacted me and I really don't expect her to. If she makes a big deal then it opens the door to tell all on her ass and I'm sure she doesn't want that, (boss) would probable just fire her ass and she knows it, at least I've pretty well convinced her of that. She's really in no position to be starting [censored] with anybody. another Well, I got to go. I love you! Your D
So yesterday morning I did see she was back in the old parking lot, 2 spaces from H....I walked out the door at lunch in time to walk right out behind her on the sidewalk, got in my car, (just opposite hers) at the exact same time, and followed her out of the lot, and down several streets until she turned off at a fast food joint...I noticed after lunch and today she parked in the lot behind the building again.
Last night H gave my Valentines gift....a nice candle and a really nice, romantic card...better than last year, he gave a candle then also, the littlest cheapes one he could find, and a card that was so incredibly tacky, although he did sign it "love" ...I thanked him a lot last year though, and profusely this year, the card actually made me cry. Still only wrote "love D" though. This morning i gave him his card, which was a nice romantic one, and he actually seemed to like it. and put it on his night stand. I'll give him his gift tonight (not very romantice either, a "hoodie" sweatshirt)... I did ask him if he might want to out of town somewhere and spend the night Sunday for a late valentines day, (we have monday off and D & her H can watch S) and he said he would like that!!!!! and sounded happy!!!!! so I'm gonna make a motel reservation....gotta get that done.
so, that's my story.....I think.........2 steps forward, 1 back I guess.
