ok, trying to update here. What a soap opera. luckily I'm feeling pretty calm and I guess detached here, for the minute at least. However, as Ellie said, it has to do with the fact that everything H uncovers in his forays into monsterland REALLY works in my favor. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. HeHeHeHeHe (did I say that?) So.....last Friday while I was at work, I got such a strong feeling.....absolutely knew beyond any doubt monster was going to call H when she got his email to her. to recap: dont know if I mentioned, but when H got into the other therapists loveletter emails last Thursday, he forwarded them to monster from the other guys account, so it would have shown up as being from the other guy. then h signed it with a message that she was busted, what a deceitful bit-h she was/is, and told her she should do the world a favor and take married guys off her menu.
I got home around noon, and H told me he'd gotten a furious phone call from her at 9:03. The thought occurred to me that he probably WANTED her to call...maybe even emailed her to get her to. sigggggggggghhhhhhhhh. Any way, evidently it was a big ugly argument, H says he told her to leave him out of her circus, and that he has heard nothing from her since. Which of course makes me believe he must have been hearing from her quite a bit.
We went to lunch with my dad and brother, h was pleasant and seemed to enjoy himself, which is WAY different from how he used to be.
during the weekend, h and I had some discussions about the monster. H is still shocked and blown away by the extent of her activities as far as "hunting and fishing". H mentioned that one of his best friends who worked here, also a therapist, who left just about the time the A turned physical, mentioned a couple of times having gotten "weird emails" from monster. That neither of them thought much about it at the time, but now he's convinced that's "how she does it....also putting her line out, and if she gets any nibbles on the bait she goes after it". Said that she also had two OTHER guys who work here going to her house at the same time H was seeing her "doing stuff" for her....that she got flowers from another guy still while H was seeing her, that her D told H who they were from and got in trouble from monster for doing it.
Evidently monster told H that she and the guy who's email he got into are "just friends"....H told her, "yeah, right, I have book by that title he needs to read" and that he couldnt imagine how many friends with benefits she has.
many tidbits came out of the discussion last weekend. it's a challenge to remember them all. --re the email convo between monster and other guy about his wifes surgery: Evidently he commented that he knew he could "get support here from you, so I came back rather than staying at the hospital"...that sucks. ok, here's the point: I had two minor-ish surgeries during the A. I always suspected that monster would be pissed at me getting h's attention, but also that H wouldnt leave me. SO, I purposely scheduled them to be as close to interferring with "their" time together as I could. H had to reschedule the time he was with her to take care of/be with me. although, sigh, he did leave some the day after each of them . But anyway, I was right and it worked! H said how furious and demanding monster would get, demanding that H be with her and leave me, that I was just doing it to be manipulative , and on and on and on. In H's words "I really took a butt chewing on those. I'm sure old OG (other guy) would have too".
H commented at one time during the weekend "she just got so demanding and hateful and nasty until I couldnt stand it. and it was so weird, at the same time you just got sweeter and sweeter and I got more and more convinced that what I wanted was really right here all the time". So, I've tucked that one away into my memory banks. Owe it all to DBing .
H also shared some of the nasty disrespectful things monster said about me. Kinda ticked me off, but then I knew it was happening. Evidently she said things like: I didnt really love/want H, I just didnt want a divorce because I was 50 and didnt want to start over, and that I would never find anybody else. . Needless to say, that really made me mad. But, I stayed calm, said "So she thinks I would have wanted a divorce if I was 30? I have loved you since we were kids, and I never ever would have wanted one", and "sounds like I was less disrespectful of her than she was of me", to which H replied "yes, you were, I always admired the way you took the high ground; it just showed how much you really were the better person". I guess the moral of that story is that all the tongue biting paid off. He also said when she'd made her "divorce your wife and come back" pitch the first of December, that he'd told her he loves me, and she'd said "well, I hope she's figured out what a wonderful man you are" and he'd said "there's no problem there".
We spent time snuggling and talking and ml; at one point, H put his arms around me (we werent in bed, it was a "surprise attack") and pulled me close and whispered in my ear "monster will never come between us again"...I was kinda surprised and got teary-eyed by that and some none-dbing took over. I let "promise?" slip out...and he said "promise". Lord, don't I hope? At one point when we were snuggled up, he did comment on how blessed he feels, that he is so lucky that I still love him and want him. There was certainly a day when I never would have dreamed I'd hear that.
We have been working out together still. I am really trying hard, and H is very encouraging. tells me he thinks that already he sees my legs shaping up. I think I see a bit of improvement in my waist, as well. I didnt weigh this week, but last week the scales had dropped considerably. I still have soooo far to go, and this is not just vanity, I really NEED to do it for health and functionality. But his encouragement helps so much, and makes it so much more enjoyable. I make a point of telling him how much it helps.I've actually been working so hard my butt is sore sometimes. never had that happen before.
In one email this week, he said how he thinks we "need to do more fun things, especially with the kids if we're going to". that's another thing I never thought I'd hear.
Tuesday, he was here at work, sent me an email and asked if I had time to come visit with him, he was bored ; I'm certain this is something he used to share with monster. So, I went over, we had a "break" together, in that we chatted in his office and did a bit of smooching between appointments. Not sure, but I'd guess the smooching is against the rules, but i'm sure monster was happy to do it in the past. I'm just glad it me and not her these days!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my way home from work Tuesday I finally took the great big tin of mixed nuts I've been going to send to him in the out of town office and did it. I put a card on it that said "just wanted to show you how I feel about you. All ways and always. Your Deb" Yesterday at noon, I got an email that said "Hey! thanks for the gift! that was really sweet and fun" Evidently he shared them with office staff, and they all knew where they came from. Female coworker who's getting married was evidently impressed, saying several times (according to H) Deb/your wife sent you these?. Of course she's the one who's lectured him about monster, so maybe she was afraid they came from her.
Oh yeah, H commented he talks about me and how much he loves me to this female coworker, and she tells him "Now that the way it should be!"
so, lots of soap-opera-ish twists and turns. But all good. I have to say, our M truly is better than it's ever been. And still getting better. Someday we will be able to bury monster in a cloud of dust. H now comments that she "truly is a monster"
I still want us to: --date/go out more --H to buy my jewelry (I'm sorry, but big honkin' stuff I can flash in monsters face would be great!) --I want us to go to marriage encounter.
so, we shall see. We've come so far, it is truly miraculous, even though I still have my anxious moments
Isnt monster an incredible piece of work though? that is 5 or 6 guys at the same time she's stringing along, that I know about, all of them married? just incredible
I commented about it to D23, who said "I'm not surprised mom, leeches seldom attach themselves to dead people" Guess she's got a point!
oh yeah, knew I forgot something. Tuesday night, H's new Nat'l Geographic came. has a cool article in it about love, actually mentions Helen Fisher's research. H and I discussed it for a few minutes at the dinner table as he thumbed through it and read bits aloud to me. I told him what I knew about her research (which he would not hear/listen to before when he was in his "monster smitten" stage) and sure enough, there he found it in the article. He took the magazine up to his dresser, where he stashes such things. I paid no attention to what he was doing, knew he was going to go do the treadmill, so I went to do crunches in the family room (gotta have TV to get through some stuff) and h actually came in to me and commented that the article mentions that the research it quotes shows that the strength of the infatuation stage is not a reliable indicator of the postive potential for bonding/love in a long term relationship. Interesting. h was obviously still upstairs reading, and it hit home with him to the point that he felt the need to seek me out and tell me about it. weird. not sure why, what he was thinking. i'd guess he's still mystified by the strength of what he felt for monster, and found it reassuring that it's not a reliable basis for anything. I somehow understood that his intent was positive, to reassure me in some way as well as reinforce something for him.
Interesting article. Doesnt go into a lot of detail, but it indicates that my own research/literature review of the effects of oxytocin on increasing pair bonding was right on target. Plus, my "plan" to utilize my information!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hehehehe. talk about unromantic. Find specific information. formulate a plan to use that information to get the result you want (or at least try!).
What? who me? manipulative?????
check out the article though....Fisher's recommendations???? fake it till you make it (my mental mantra for the last 2 years); ml and kiss as much as you can, and you are likely to find yourselves falling back in love because of the well documented effects of oxytocin. NOT the dopamine rush that comes with novelty/infatuation.
Good going, Deb!!!!!!! He still needs to keep out of monsters business, and definitely not go through other emails (since that is against company policy). He does seem to be getting MUCH better, but he's still too involved in her life.
And yes, she is quite a piece of work - many women are, and don't care about the guys (it's just a way of proving to themselves that they can steal men from other women...i.e., it's an ego trip).
yep, I know, you are soooo right! patience, patience, patience.
Quote: And yes, she is quite a piece of work - many women are, and don't care about the guys (it's just a way of proving to themselves that they can steal men from other women...i.e., it's an ego trip).
I know, it's just incredible to me that there really are people like that (my mama was right! ). It is a game....a game to beat the wife, to collect as many trophies as possible of tired, discouraged men. BUT how they can have such total disregard for the lives of the children they wreck. leaves me speechless. 10 kids involved with three of married guys here at work, not counting her own D13. and lord only knows how many others. I just can't comprehend. and she justifies it all because she "knows god wants me to be happy"????????? maybe hell has a special place reserved for people with that attitude? then again, maybe they are already there.
huh. kinda interesting. just got this email from H:
Quote: Are you there? I haven’t heard from you in a while and I’m missing you! D
um, I guess he got a chance to miss me. sent him a reply and havent heard back yet, but it's only been 5 or 10 minutes. I wonder what brought that on???? go figure. Hopefully not contact with monster.
Hi Deb, I saw your wise responses to Finally free (what an eye opener!). I have not read all your story, but it seems you know a lot about this stuff. If you have time, could you please let me know what you think about my sitch? I'm in MLC forum. To make it short, my H left to live with OW (never told the kids), came back 4 months later, stayed in contact with OW by text messages. I knew he was (is) still in MLC, so I tried to have no expectations. H depressed and moody until December, after that things have greatly improved. H still not touching me, though. He has been home for 5 months now. In Dec. I found out H is sending messages to OW2, discussing his lack of feelings for me. I suspect an EA evolving here. I'm trying to decide what to do. H doesn't know I know about his messages to either OW. I'm just acting as if. I used to be controlling (thought I was helping him), I stopped all that when he left. H is now very kind, we share fun moments as a family and just the 2 of us (at home, no dates as such). I wouldn't be worried if there wasn't those messages. Was your H involved with OW when he came back home and how did you handle it? Of course it's different if it's someone they already had the A with. I'm not sure what to do as my H and this OW2 have not gone very far yet - should I do something or not. Dauphine
All sounds so encouraging with you it is just great.
My comment here is about working out and watching scales. Some may disagree but I say watch how you feel and how things fit. Muscle weighs more than body fat so working out plays games on the scales. Focus on how you look and feel!
Great job of DBing and we all know it takes time, so patience is still needed.
. But anyway, I was right and it worked! H said how furious and demanding monster would get, demanding that H be with her and leave me, that I was just doing it to be manipulative 
, and on and on and on. In H's words "I really took a butt chewing on those. I'm sure old OG (other guy) would have too".
.
; I'm certain this is something he used to share with monster. So, I went over, we had a "break" together, in that we chatted in his office and did a bit of smooching between appointments. Not sure, but I'd guess the smooching is against the rules, but i'm sure monster was happy to do it in the past. I'm just glad it me and not her these days!!!!!!!!!!!! 
). It is a game....a game to beat the wife, to collect as many trophies as possible of tired, discouraged men. BUT how they can have such total disregard for the lives of the children they wreck. leaves me speechless. 10 kids involved with three of married guys here at work, not counting her own D13. and lord only knows how many others. I just can't comprehend. and she justifies it all because she "knows god wants me to be happy"????????? maybe hell has a special place reserved for people with that attitude? then again, maybe they are already there.