Hi there Slowly! nice to hear from you, I've been checking in on you on your thread and enjoying your reflections, but I'm not good at posting, nothing to add!
Ok, now here's a bit of egg on my face, and some "weirdness" besides. I'm embarrassed, the bonding hormone is not prolactin, it's Oxytocin. duhhhhhhhh, my mind is weird these days. the weirdest part though: I actually woke up in the middle of the night while on vacation over the holidays and thought to myself in a kind of panic "OH! I posted that wrong on the BB! I gotta correct it". Now, do you think I need a life, or what????
Update/Journaling: H and I were off for a week for christmas break, and it was the nicest christmas we have had in a long time, perhaps ever. not materially, but emotionally and relationship wise. Which is kinda weird, because it was very laid back, we didnt do much at all, were extremely lazy, spent a lot of time ML and taking naps and doing NOTHING. House is an absolute messy wreck with stuff out of place since D & SIL moved in, but still it was so nice. H commented on it many times, so I believe he feels the same way. I've thought a lot about it, and our improved relationship was what made all the difference. You see, christmases before, even pre-A, were very difficult for us for some reason. Unspoken and unmet expectations and resentments, I guess. We used to almost every Christmas eve have a horrible fight. I was never sure what happened, but I would feel so lost and devastated at bed time that night. so sad.
This year was soooo blessedly different. That in itself is an answer to prayers.
There are still many goals I need to work on, I'm giving some thought to those, but things seem to be slowly getting so much better, I believe because H and I are finally after all these years learning how to open up with each other. It has been a long time coming, and as much as I have a hard time admitting it, I believe it probably wouldnt have happened if not for the A.
There are still some monster related challenges, I'll post about them a bit later, but overall, things are so much better.
One big, huge change happened. Truly amazing.....finally after much much delay, we got H's weight cage completely put together. H loves it and is having a great time with it, and it is a relief to me that he can't drop hundreds of pounds of steel on himself with it. OK, now here's the incredible part....for YEARS, he has insisted that I LEAVE HIM ALONE when he works out. now, he has gone full circle. and is bugging me to work out with him, actually asking me what time of day on the weekend I "want" to work out with him. Designed a routine (is that what you call it?) for me, and has been helping me with form/technique. loaned me a pair of his weight lifting gloves. not that I'm doing much free-weight work, but of course I excepted the "gift" and have even thought the feel kinda sexy.
Unfortunately, I NEED to work out more. I got on the scales yesterday, and it was BAD. I was hoping I read it wrong and got back on this AM, and according to the damn things I gained 5 lbs in my sleep last night. How is that possible????? I keep hoping I will see some more changes fairly quickly. I am a bit stiff and sore after only 3 workouts. I do have a goal of doing a minimum of a mile on the treadmill each day. I know that doesnt sound like much, but H has the darn thing set at 50% incline and insists I leave it there, and it is surprisingly hard, I sweat to high heaven in just that one mile. So, hopefully.
A kind of funny note....my attitude about sex has certainly changed. I can even send D23 running in shock these days. At my IL's, there's a grab bag drawing for gifts. I got this weird gift....a baby pink fleece stocking cap and gloves to match. woo-hoo! MIL asked if those "would fit?" and I told her "oh sure, I can use them"...at home later, H commented and said they would be fine if you were 5 years old, but he could see on my face that I was "thinking weird thoughts" when I answered MIL about them. So, I told him what I was thinking: that I would wear them with black high heels and dance naked. D23 got this shocked look and said "mother!" and ran from the room as h laughed.
Ok, monster related challenges. dfb is right, I don't think things will ever be completely "right" until she is far far gone. sigh.....
There is absolutely no indication that H has any type of R with her anymore other than work-related (and the personal stuff she tries to throw into work emails) but i still find myself sooooo gunshy, easily stirred to anxiousness by any little thing. For example, over our break, I noticed the bottle of lotion that long resided in the garage and drove me nuts was gone from where H had put it on the dresser. I had a hard time not getting stirred up by it. Then I saw it in the trash....actually inspected to make sure it was THE bottle. there had been a 2nd bottle of the same stuff on another shelf in our room, that one's gone too. I asked H about them, saying I was thinking we had a pump bottle of lotion (true) and he said he'd thrown them both away. I never saw the 2nd in the trash, but maybe he did sometime ago and I didnt notice. of course it has bugged the heck out of me that he used that to take off his ring, which he still isnt wearing, for years, and that he had another bottle of it in the computer room which I always believed he used for phone/computer sex. When we were working out, I needed to take off my ring and had forgotten to. I asked if he had any lotion downstairs, and he said there wasnt any...so I went up and got some, but still. I swear to God, I will NEVER buy that stuff again, the smell makes me ill.
I also had to get S13's SS card out of the file drawer in the same computer room. I actually asked H if it was "safe" to go in the room/get stuff. He said "sure"...but then he went and got it for me. I dont' know if that is good or bad, but all these tiny things stir up anxiety that there's still "something" to hide. I would love to get past this.
yesterday I had some teasing emails from H about monster.... One email ended with this:
Quote: Well, I need to get going, I hope you have a decent afternoon, now when you get home put a mile in on the treadmill. See, I’m going to get you shaped up yet! Oh, monster came stomping in while I was talking to B and S. I just really focused on them and totally ignored her, then she really stomped and banged things around, it was kind of funny. I almost expect to get an asschewing for talking to another female, heck I still might. Just makes me love you all the more and appreciate your wisdom and patience. Well, I’d better get going. Your D
I didnt think any of this bothered me. This morning H was talking about the cell phone bill, 3X normal evidently due to the trip to move D and the last payment must have crossed the statement in the mail. H showed me the bill. I noticed 8 pages of the statement were missing. I asked him if he still calls monster, and he blew sky high. very angry. I had tears running down my face but didnt say anything, just got into the shower, and a voice came into my head and said "this is predictable, you know exactly how it will go, soon he will apologize and you will make up" and that's exactly what happened before leaving for work. then I got this email this morning:"Deb; How’s your day going? I am so sorry for being a grump and getting mad this morning. I truly feel I got up on the wrong side of the bed, just don’t feel very good and then just got ugly over nothing. You have every right to feel scared and wonder what is going on with such a bill. The weekend is coming up and we will have some snuggle time. It’s just hard getting back into the swing of work. I do apologize for teasing you yesterday as that just gets you more anxious and there is no need to be. I will stop doing that. Later Your D
Ok, pretty good on that front, I guess. Then about an hour later, I was in the break room in the main building reading board meeting minutes, and in walks monster with one of the other nurses. Decided I was gonna stand my ground and keep on with what I was doing, so I ignored both of them. the bi-ch came and stood right next to me, not 6 inches away, unwrapping and going on about a new popcorn popper. I just acted like she wasn't there. She said to the other nurse "Guess I'll go back" ; Other nurse answered "that was quick"....then someone else came in and she kept hanging around talking about wallpaper. I decided I'd memorize the Damn board minutes rather than leave first....and she left finally. I don't care what happens, she is not gonna run me off anymore. I have as much right to be any darn place in the building as she does, so whatever.
Nasty monster bit-h. I swear the woman is being very aggressive in a passive manner, I'm not sure why, trying to provoke me in some way, again I'm not sure why. Well, I know "why" I just don't what she wants as far as a response. ...although I did email H and he believes she's "expressing her frustration with you" and hoping to cause trouble between the two of us.
I keep hearing the words to a song, don't know who sings it, but H has it & plays it, not even sure of the title, but the phrase is "You can stand me up against the gates of hell and I won't back down". funny how that started playing in my head when monster moved in and now it's stuck there. gotta go to a meeting.
oh yeah, Ellie, you're right! it's on the greatest hits CD I got for H....
I wish I knew what the best way is to handle monster encounters...I really have a feeling in my gut that she was wanting to upset and provoke me, so perhaps doing it the way I did, "acting as if" she wasnt even there, is the best way.
Talked to H some this evening, he is warm and loving and supportive. suggested nasty little digs I could have shot her way (jokingly, I think) and commented that he's seen the nasty cold monster eyess (yep me too) and heard the hateful voice and drippy sweet come on voice (which she was using in the break room today) and that "believe me after a bit of exposure to it, you learn to tell the difference between it and the real thing". Of course, I took that to mean I was the "real thing"
It sure took more than "a little bit" of exposure to it in my book.
I was wondering how you were doing!!!! I am glad you had a very nice Christmas.
I wish you all could get away from Monster. There has to be some way that the two of you, as a couple, can show solidarity towards her leaving the two of you alone. At this point, he should have any alone-contact with her. If you could make her life miserable at work so she'd quit, that might work too.
That is AWESOME that he wants you to work out with him - do it every chance he asks, it will help both your body AND your relationship! Start writing down what you eat, watch how many calories are going into your body, definitely spend time reading about nutrition. It really helps!
Deb - are you two friends with anyone at the office? Maybe you two can start having a relationship (not like swingers ! :-D), but where you start bonding with your co-workers in casual settings, as a couple. That will help cement the two of you at work again, and maybe it will eventually get her to leave. And the bonus is that you'll have more fun, hopefully!
Hey dfb, I've not gotten back to you from last week, maybe it's good to not be so desparate, but then again I'm not sure so busy is good. Yes, we have some work friends, plan to do some entertaining, just need to get organized enough to do it....we had planned to have a christmas party, then got so caught in the whirlwind of D and SIL moving in....bleh
Journaling: We had a good weekend, relaxed time alone together (in our bedroom, but that's ok!). it's kinda weird, but I get the feeling H is "different" again, although in a really good way. We went to church alone Saturday night. On the drive home, H actually said "I love you so much. Hold my hand" and reached out and took my hand. I have to admit, tears ran down my face for quite a while after that. He told me several times during the weekend how much he loved me, and stroked my hair and my face (not during sex, either, if you get my gist). Commented once that "I didn't do a very good job of loving you". He asked me once (again) why I was not so openly affectionate with him before, and I told him I wasnt raised to see that as acceptable, don't think he was either, and that I always felt I would be making a "pest" of myself by "clinging" to him. I told him that he was much more affectionate now than he used to be, and that i didnt think I could have gotten him to be that way (not that I'm gonna send a thankyou to monster, though)and he thought a minute and said "probably not". Several times in the nights, he kissed my back and shoulders. I'm sure I woke to him kissing the back of my head just before the alarm went off this morning. I've been doing a lot of working out and trying really hard diet wise (for a whole week now) and commented this morning that my shoulders are sore. h said "well, you've been working really hard"...maybe that is a positive sign, that at least he is recognizing my effort instead of grumping about it or being disparaging.
I had a short email this morning that said "hey hot stuff, I sure love you"...that was nice!
A couple of times yesterday, before I went to the basement to work out, h came up from there and went out to his car; that struck me as weird. I couldnt help but wonder if he was taking monster memorabilia out...don't know if it's still there anyway, as I havent looked. It would be nice if he truely got rid of it all.
Slowly 
