ok so here's the tougher part for me. I was very inconsiderate of my family, and I'm afraid I may have set back my dbing efforts, because H seems cooler and more distant.
the story: Sunday afternoon I left to go christmas shopping at 12:30 ish. I had a lot to do, but thought I would be home about 4:30 or so. I left lunch in the oven, as H was working out and said he didnt want to eat till late, and kids were even still in bed (I hate that!).
Anyway, I had a lot of shopping to do, as had not done much at all. stores were crowded, and it took longer. I considered quitting and going home when I'd said I would, but hated the thought of having to go through it all again, so decided to keep on and try to finish. I would LIKE for H to shop with me, but that is another thing he still refuses to do, so I even get the gifts for his side of the family...
My cell phone was dead....I had the thought that I should hunt down a pay phone and call to let them know I would be late, then thought oh what the heck and didnt bother.
So anyway, I finished up all the shopping, and pulled in the driveway at about 7 PM. To all hell being broke lose. S13 ran out to meet me sobbing and almost hysterical. Said his dad had just gone to look for me.... , that everyone was worried and upset and afraid something had happened to me. I told him I was fine, sorry to be late but had my cell ran down and decided to try to finish up. S said his Dad was so upset that he kept looking out the window ( I noticed the shade was askew)...and that everytime the door opened he would run to it, that his eyes were all red and puffy as if he was trying to keep from crying. I had S help me start to unload the car...and H pulled in the driveway. FURIOUS. I have not seen him this angry in years (not since I started dbing, anyway)
He said "that was one hell of an inconsiderate thing to do. I didnt know what had happened to you"...I told him the "scoop"...dead battery, trying to get finished, etc., and H said "we've had nothing to eat all day" ...lord, the poor babies! I told him I'd left lunch in the oven and he said "well I didnt know what to do with it"...now mind you, there is a refrigerator FULL of food, in addition to what was in the oven. He commented "it's a good thing I saw the car or I would have been looking for hours".....sheesh, I couldnt help but think of the time in may or June of '03 when I knew he had to be having an A, but had no proof, and he was gone for a good part of a day, I had no clue if something had happened to him or what, and I drove around looking for him for hours, in tears. The words to that country song popped into my head "I guess you should have thought of that when you were cheating". I didnt say any of that though, just said "I'm sorry to have been inconsiderate. In the future I'll make a point of finding a way to call", and dropped the subject. By bed time he seemed better.
This morning was staff meeting; before work I was lamenting about what I'd do if monster was on the staff committee I'm on. H said we'd be friends, I said "no way, hosea, ever"...and then Damn, wouldnt you know. I walk into staff meeting and who walks in the door right behind me, although hanging back a little. yep, monster. I had to chuckle, and was smirking, and looked over and caught h's eye and he was chuckling also. Then I got this email from him:
Quote: Ha ha, see what you get for mouthing around this morning about monster!! The two of you waltzing in the door together, the two of you so much alike!! Yep, EMPC here she comes!!! Later D
I replied ""the two of you so much alike!!"
oh, ouch, that REALLY hurts! if I knew how to make a sad frowny face, I'd put it here ______. to which H answered
Quote: Oh, you know that I’m just teasing! I just thought it was funny, that’s all. Later D
sent him a short answer, havent heard back, and that was at 9:30
ok, so I guess my concern is that i've really caused problems, since one of the problems in our R was that I was too independent and distant, and that H felt unloved because of it. I also worry that he's not entirely joking with his comment of me being like monster, since one of the complaints he's expressed to me about her was how unreliable she was, that he couldnt depend on her to be where she said she'd be when she said she would. ulp.
Any thoughts, suggestions?
I guess one good thing is that he has really made an effort to not be gone the last 2 weekends, though I suspect he truly is behind on his paper work, because he knows how much it upsets me. Guess I didnt reward his efforts very well. ssssssssiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhhh
Still no email from H. So, Gang, what do I do now, test the waters by sending him one or go "dark"????? If I do send one, is it just chatty/friendly or loving????????????
I absolutely HATE not hearing from him. don't know if he's "gaming" or busy, or what. Of course, I have to knock myself in the head to try to keep from agonizing that it's because he's hotnheavy in email (or worse) contact with monster, which I know was sometimes the case in the past. sigh.
contact him or not or let it ride. I can't decide.
Hi debcb, I think I would reply and try and be joking back to him about the teasing thing. Tease him back, 'so much alike? really think so? I'll show the differences later... " You seem to have good communication with your H, ask him if there was any truth behind his teasing.
I haven't followed along forever, but how do you keep putting up with his constant talking about monster? It must hurt and drive you nuts! In my case H never talks about his monster, doesn't even admit the whole thing, but if he talked about her all the time I wouldn't like that either.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi WCW, it is nice to hear from you. the teasing is just the ticket, I'm capable of that, but sometimes when I'm feeling "stressed", it just doesnt come to me. He generally responds well to teasing back.... This time I had to leave for a meeting just after I posted and used the old "when in doubt do nothing" tactic, so didnt respond to him at all, when I got back I had a really sweet email from him, responded and got an even better one. I'll post about them in a minute.
Quote: I haven't followed along forever, but how do you keep putting up with his constant talking about monster? It must hurt and drive you nuts!
Interestingly, the answer to "hurt and drive you nuts" part is yes and no. In some ways it is actually better to have him talk about it for several reasons: he never said a word about it when things were "hot" between them, he was very secretive and deceptive. So the fact that now he talks so openly helps me to feel reassured that he's not involved with her, although I wish he'd never ever exchange another word with her. It also helps me to know what went on (to some extent) because it tends to be for the most part not as bad as my imagination comes up with, and it helps me to begin to understand the "why", which was such a huge question in my mind for so long. It also is kind of reassuring because I can tell from the way he talks about things that ever so slowly he is losing his emotional attachment to her. I think in the book "not just friends" Shirley Glass calls it "opening windows into the affair". it helps me better understand what happened.
The exception, and it's a big one, is that I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T hear about sexual stuff...I've told him this. And he's never attempted to share that with me. I would ask him to stop if he was going there. I just can't do it. Although, I'm not at all sure it would be any worse than when I used to get to hear about how wonderful she was and how fascinating, and how he loved her...and see his face light up when he talked about her. Urp. Urp. Urp ; I also find that as time goes on, it doesnt bother me as much. it used to REALLY upset me, I mean badly. now at best (worst?) it is an aggravation and irritation.
Ok, maybe I didnt permanently do as much damage as I feared last weekend.
When I got out of my meeting a bit ago, i had this email from H waiting:
Quote: Hey sweet heart! I sure love you!! I hope you are having a good day, so far I’ve been busy and P is dumping insurance authorization after insurance authorization on me to do before January 1 st, b---h!! I guess working at least for a while on Thursday will need to happen, but the rest of the vacation is mine!!! It will be nice to have some time together! I sure love you and your naked holdits at night. Your D
(I guess my 180 of going to bed nude instead of in flannel granny gowns was the way to go! )
I responded in kind, and got this one back:
Quote: I love you too!! Actually, I am impressed with how much closer we have gotten over the course of the past two years. Yep, I’m so looking forward to a Christmas that we can all enjoy, I sure apologize for making last Christmas miserable for you and S13, this year S13 and I will have to do some extra special things, hunting, cutting wood or maybe sledding. You and I need to do something special as well, hum we’ll have to think about just what we want to do, maybe go over to the K. House for a meal? I shouldn’t have to work too long on Thursday, but I am going to go over to (out of town office) as I don’t want to be here with Monster, the further away from her the better!!! Your D
The last part Makes me wonder if he's been in contact with her today, but if he has, it obviously hasnt been real rewarding.
Actually, the first part:
Quote: I love you too!! Actually, I am impressed with how much closer we have gotten over the course of the past two years. Yep, I’m so looking forward to a Christmas that we can all enjoy, I sure apologize for making last Christmas miserable
is a HUGE, HUGE tribute to DBing and it's effectiveness. I started down this rocky, winding road almost exactly 2 years ago (12/11/03) and that guy was GONE already in his mind, his body just hadnt followed him out the door yet. In spite of my ongoing worries and anxieties, it is truly miraculous that we are where we are today. I would have never thought it possible. Things looked SO bleak at times. and now.....
In regards to my anxieties, H commented this weekend that he loves me, and said "I don't know why you can't believe that"...so, he is trying, I just am still struggling some, the deceptions were so HUGE before.
Deb; You have shown me how much I mean to you and I am very honored and humbled by that. I have certainly been told that by others, only you have shown me in oh so many ways. I am truly the luckiest man in the world. In the end and as always you were right. The monster was nothing more than a whore with a silver tongue. You are such a better person in comparison and over time that just became more and more evident, yep, you are the love of my life and the person I was truly meant to be with. Every time I prayed to God to show me, it was you that he wanted me with, like the day she read your e-mail and you found your ring, that was what happened after we all three had prayed for a solution. Well, back to work for me. I love you very much and can’t wait to have a naked snuggle tonight. Your D
huh. still sounds like he's been in contact with her today, but maybe it's the kind of contact I should be grateful for!
I just have got to let go of my anxieties. and enjoy our progress in building our new M. still it is hard sometimes. On days when I get emails like this, no problem!
Don't know if it helps anyone else, but evidently snuggling up naked at night to H helped our sitch a lot. I actually did some research and found scientific info to think this might help....evidently human touch releases the hormone prolactin, which has been identified as contributing to pair bonding as well as to mother/infant bonding. So my thought was to start off slow and small touching him as much and as often as I could and to gradually increase to mega doses. Seems to have worked or at least helped.
I had to go very very slow at first though, because he was so furiously angry with me he didnt want to be in the same room, and avoided all contact he could. tiny little now and then touches were how I started, just a smile and light brush of the finger tips "by accident". what a sneak I am, now that I think about it. Oh well, desperate times call for desparate measures, or something like that.
Deb - there was no reason for your H to get upset in the first place. He is obviously not over everything yet - including Monster. I just think that everything can't be right until you all never see her again.
, that everyone was worried and upset and afraid something had happened to me. I told him I was fine, sorry to be late but had my cell ran down and decided to try to finish up. S said his Dad was so upset that he kept looking out the window ( I noticed the shade was askew)...and that everytime the door opened he would run to it, that his eyes were all red and puffy as if he was trying to keep from crying. I had S help me start to unload the car...and H pulled in the driveway. FURIOUS. I have not seen him this angry in years (not since I started dbing, anyway)
" You seem to have good communication with your H, ask him if there was any truth behind his teasing.
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