just got this email: "Wow, I’ve been busy today, everyone is showing. This is the first chance to e-mail really. Just got paged so I got to go. I too love and miss you very much! Later Your D"
planning, strategizing here: in the vein of continuing to focus on the positives and "what works"...H responds SO positively to positive, admiring words and attention. He just laps it up like he is starved for it. Obviously this is somethng he must have to feel loved. I believe this must be what is behind his comment of "you were mean to me for years". God that breaks my heart. I was never mean to him; I was not very expressive of my admiration and appreciation for him, because I did not understand his deep need and it is not my "nature". He must have interpreted that as "being mean" and not loving him. so....I'm going to try to make sure I up the admiration and appreciation, but in a sincere way. I DONT want to be like monster, the phoney b---h. I'm thinking I'm going to pick up a canister of mixed nuts as a treat (one of his favorite things) and mail it to him at his out of town office with a note that says "this is how I feel about you". I know, corny, but....sincere, and i think he'll get a pleasant little "jolt" out of it in several ways.
I'm still working on me....not doing as well yet on the getting back into weight loss and working out, been hard still with the kids moving in, but I'm not giving up on it. I am also working on my wardrobe. I've been going through it, and I'm so disgusted with it. I'm getting rid of almost everything. most of it doesnt fit well and as I look at it now, seems "frumpy". out it goes, and I'll get a few decent things even if I have to wear the same stuff 2X a week. i've kind of gotten my makeup to where I like it, striking but subdued with a hint of "sexy" if I do say so myself. I've gotten several compliments on it. Went a shade darker with my hair, more my natural color, and I like that better. still changing, debating about the style, though. And still looking for the right sexy undies. sigh. the store that I used to get them from closed, and I cant find them online. basically, heavy duty bras that are low-cut and push up.
I will be so glad is (when?) H ever gets past this "hot and cold" wishy washiness. I guess when I look at the long haul though, he is ever so slowly, and we've come a long long way. We are both very different people in a very different M.
I still can't help but wonder what the heck has been going on though. I'm sure I dont' know the whole story. I'm betting that if I wait quietly, it will come out though. I bet it would p--s monster off to no end to know how much H does confide in me.
Oh yeah, thats another thing he said when he was telling me about her proposition last night, that he wouldnt be telling me if he was interested.
Deb, Bless your heart! Your anxiety is apparent, but so is your determination! Yay for you!
I read your post and thought "boy, Deb is her H's best friend. Just that he feels he can share so much with you is amazing. I know it's hard, but he thrives on your acceptance, even when he's struggling with monster. Looks like he's learning to keep her in her place without you demanding it!
Hi Sheila, thanks for the encouragement, again! actually, sometimes I don't do it, and the anxiety really gets the best of me. I really do struggle with it after all this time, and I find it gets set off by the tiniest things, for example I was really struggling to hold back the tears last night before H came up to bed, and he was maybe 1/2 hour later than I thought he'd be, and about his regular time, and it was still pretty early. And just now i was over in teh other building, and H wasnt in the office he's working of today, and of course my heart does flip flops. I didnt go looking for him but had to walk right by it. monsters office has moved off the beaten path, so I don't even know where hers is at the moment, I did see the conference room reserved for med staff from 12:30 to 1:30, so hopefully thats where she's at, H may have been in the break room, but I didnt go to look there, either. I dont' want to look anxious if i can help it, even though I'm sure it shows sometimes.
your comment about him feeling like he can share kind of struck home. honestly, for the most part we've always been able to talk about things, at least I always thought so. so how did we get so off track that we grew so distant that monster got her foot in the door? beats me. Certainly something to ponder, though.
It just occurred to me, that the "morphing" that's taking place is not only with me, but with our M and to an extent H as well. And for me it's an incredibly emotional process, and challenging.
H and I were having a pretty light email convo, just a couple of "checking in/how's it going" emails, talking about how nice it would be if we could be home snuggled up in front of the fireplace instead of at work today. and this email from H popped up:
Quote: Thanks Deb; You will probably never know how much it means for me to get these loving e-mails from you. I appreciate all the love and attention you give me, you just don’t know how much it means and how badly I’ve needed it through the years. I no longer feel lonely as I know you are in this world loving me for all I’m worth. Your patient and loving approach to me over the past two years is what peeled monster’s grip from me. You have shown me in so many ways that you truly care about me, even to the point of letting me go if that was what I needed. In contrast to you it became so evident that monster’s motivations were shallow and self motivated. She in the end showed me that she really didn’t care about me, just how much better her life would be with me. I can’t imagine the hell it would have been with her as she wouldn’t have given a sh-t about me then. You have shown me what true love is and I am so grateful. You are the person I was meant to be with and that I am thankful to be with! Your grateful D
and of course the tears started for me. I guess I can take comfort in know that I DID read him and all his weirdly confusing signals right, that he was in desparate need of affirmation and affection, and that pushing and ultimatums would backfire in the end.
I also am convinced that SOMETHING has been going on lately, my guess is that she has been pushing again more than he has let me know. The urge to ask is SO strong, as Slowly said, "Inquiring Minds want to know!", but I have to keep reminding myself that if I wait quietly, all will be revealed in time. Push, and he will close up/clam up.
I hope and pray that whatever it is, is helping him to near the final closing of this book.
Of course, I emailed him back a long and sappy reply ; genuine and heartfelt though. sigh.
Quote: Wow, thanks for the e-mail. It is so nice to have them as they brighten even the darkest of days! Yes, perhaps God put the monster in our lives so that we would finally come to discover the wonderful gifts in each other. She did accomplish that in her weird way. I really don’t imagine she will be too devastated with losing me, she is so shallow she will just be off fishing for new prey, on the Internet or in town. Yep, it never takes her long, most likely she won’t even remember my name in a few months. In contrast, I am honored to be the love of your life, yep I think I’ll just keep that job! Well, I need to keep plugging on the paper work. Sure do love you!!! Later Your D
makes it sound like they just broke up.?????????now I am confused????????????I can't imagine when he would have been seeing her...????????? I am feeling like I need to go eat some chocolate. A lot of chocolate.
Gosh Deb- I can't believe what a nice post you left for me on MLC board and then I come over here and see what you are going through! But yours is ending well.
I knew where you were going with your concerns yesterday but I didn't want to voice them for you. But you can see today that although your intuition was right about something up with monster, I think you can be proud of your H in his handling of the situation. I think that he has definitely made an improvement and I wish that I could send my H over to talk to him!!
Get this one- it's like deja vu- I was told today that OW's name was going to be suggested for someone to be on a process improvement team that I am to lead/facilitate as part of my new job. Gotta love it. We'll see if she actually does it.
Hi What's Next, I just read your post, LOL! I'm amazed at how similar our sitchs are, right down to getting to work with the ow's on committees. blehhhhhh, what is it in the cosmos?
I don't know honestly how you are doing it, you are managing so well ( I should be posting this on your thread!). This MLC back and forth stuff is so frustrating!
I hope, as I said, H is making the final break with monster, not sure if I really want to know what's been up the last month or so. isnt it weird how strong the "vibes" are?????
Quote: Well, I’m just over here in M’s office. Of course stopping for a quickie would mess me up getting the paper work done to prevent weekend work. However, it sounds like a plan for later. I don’t know Father D what the truth is about monster. I know she is now a devout church goer, I just don’t understand how she justifies her stances and beliefs, well maybe I do, they change with what she wants to do and she can give a justification for anything she does. She never could apologize for anything because she never believed she was wrong. Strange person, borrowing from her,” You my dear Deb are the sun and all other women are but matches in your presence!!” I guess she got the concept right! I sure love you! Your D
wrote him back that I didnt think that was a teaching from God, devout church goer or not, but that i had to admit her concepts were very original. Then told him I had a bad case of the hots for him and he's going to have to help me out later.
gonna go try to mail the mixed nuts to him...need to wrap them real fast, i guess
I had some thoughts about your H's email that might be a little more positive than how it made you feel. If she's been emailing your H lately and trying to drag him back in, his comments would make sense from that point of view. He didnt have to be *involved* with her. For instance.. when he says "she's losing me" and it sounds present tense, he might be talking from her perspective. If she never really let go, or is trying to reattach (even though he hasnt), it kinda makes sense to say that in the present tense. And he says she'll be after new prey and won't remember his name in a few months. Maybe he sees this new communication as just that.... her being through with her BF and running to him and he knows since she's rejected, she'll just move on to the next man.
I have no more idea what's going on with your H than you do, and would've probably thought/felt the same things from that email. She really did re-enter if she started communicating again, but that doesnt mean your H took the bait, and him rejecting her would be another ending of sorts.
Hi all, I've been away for a week, just now getting a chance to update. seems like quite a bit has been going on, hope i can recall to jot it down.
I keep getting bits and pieces of contact H has with monster, I guess it's good that he shares, although I havent had much contact with him today, and I'm not sure how good it was, will detail that later. so, lets see.
Evidently last week when monster told h to get a divorce and come back, there was more discussion. it has come out in his talking that she told him she would put "their" ornament on the tree, that she'd dump new bf in a heart beat, that she has never told new bf ILY. H commented to me "but she f---'s him though, that's kinda sad".; H commented that "she really is trash" ??????; when we went to church her mother was parked close to us, and H commented "monsters mommy, the mother of the monster. Guess I shouldnt be mean, she's probably a nice person, but things must have been really screwed up in that family for monster to turn out like she is". H told me that when I ran into monster in the craft store early last summer ( I think it was early) she told him that when she went to her car, she found a dead cardinal beside it. Cardinals are her favorite bird because they were her Dad's, and she took it as a sign that they should be apart....sounds to me like a pathetic pitch on her part to suck him in out of pity, but oh well. H commented that "at least I won't be buying gifts for monster this christmas, that'll save a little" and proceeded to tell me what he's gotten her before: one of those snap up "snuggly" quilt things; a sweater with a cardinal on it and a turtle neck that goes under it; another sweater for a b-day, and contacts for another b-day.
I dont' know why he needed to tell me this, some kind of confession or something???????? kind of ticked me off.
He commented that he couldnt understand why she would think he'd want her back if she'd been f-----g somebody else ???????? that she'd made a point of the "not told him she loved him" deal...then H made a comment of it being like Shirley Glass said (ah ha, he has been reading Not Just Friends!) took me a while to recall, then I said "oh, yeah, that women are more upset by the emotional involvement of an affair, men by sexual involvement" and H said "yes, she's looking at it from a guys point of view"...this made no sense to me, but I"m sure that's what H said, jotting it down here so I can recall later if need be.
H told me one night last week in bed that he loves me more now than he ever has ????????.
ML Thursday night and Friday afternoon, at his initiation.
A week ago today, I had the really nice loving emails from H, and then I thought he became more distant, so I've kinda gone "grey" a teeny bit, and will post details later, not sure it's the right thing to do from the response I'm getting, but....wednesday last week, he seemed kinda "lukewarm" in his emails, so I let them go unanswered pretty much all day. Got this from him at 4 pm:
Quote: Are you there? I haven’t heard back from you since my last e-mail? D
then I responded briefly and "lukewarm"...
So, kinda business as usual till we get to Friday, then "weirdness" seems to set in, don't know what to think of this:
Friday, I usually get off work at 11:30, go home and have lunch with H and then we "nap"/snuggle because that is our "alone time" while S13 is at school. last Friday, D wanted me to meet her for lunch at 12:30; she also wanted H to go, of course he absolutely refuses to do anything like that still...drives me nuts, but anyway. I asked him in the morning before I left for work about it, and he said "no", again. So, I ran an errand when I got off then went to meet D...didnt go home or check with H....When D got there, she was surprised her dad wasnt there. said she had called him and he'd said "we'll try" ????????? WTF ever that is supposed to mean. Evidently he assumed I'd be coming home before meeting her, and trying to persuade him to go. sooooo, D was disappointed and surprised, I told her I'd not bothered to go home since he'd said "no", i let that stand and don't beg him about stuff anymore. I got home about 2, H was upstairs in bed (would have been our normal "snuggle time") and said he'd missed me. I told him I'd just gone directly to meet D, thinking he wasnt wanting to go. don't remember what H said.
That after noon I went into town, and H said "don't be gone long, I don't like being here alone". Weird, I don't know what to think of that?????????????????
; genuine and heartfelt though. sigh. 