Hi Sheila, thanks for stopping by and your encouragment, it's nice to hear from you.
I've been trying all morning to sort my jumbled thoughts enough to post. Still jumbled, so I guess I'll start posting and hope for the best.
Last night was quite interesting, and once again my picking up on the "weird vibes" was accurate. what's even weirder is my mother keeps calling me, at home, at work, asking in this strange little spacey voice how things are going because she keeps thinking of me. I havent had the privacy to ask her whats up, but I'll have to do that. but, I digress.
Back to yesterday. Dont think I posted about it, but I pulled into the parking lot here at work in the AM at the same time as monster. I choose not to be intimidated by her, so I pulled into my regular space, even though she had parked right next to it. Got out of my van, looked right at her, she gave me her cold glaring stare and stomped across the parking lot. interactions by email w/H were posted yesterday.
Fast forward to last night. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh, such mixed emotions about it, and confusion. H was cheerful when he got home, I was in the kitchen and went and greeted him with a hug as he came in, which he returned warmly. chatted a bit, the two of us went upstairs to change...I was sitting on the bed, he was in the adjoining bath taking out his contacts, door was open, we could see each other and were still chatting. suddenly he stops, says "I sure love you", and comes into our room and hugs me. holds me. of course I reciprocate. THEN he starts talking....I'm trying to recall all that was said. Evidently he got an email from monster about 4 pm. It must have been a long one, as nearly as I can piece together. her message was "get a divorce, come back, and I'll ditch A (new bf)....as I understand H said he thought that things were going so well there, and she said the guy has a drinking problem (?????????), and that H "is the Sun, all other men are just matches" (yes, that loud retching sound is me puking)....It comes out in conversation that the info H has been sharing about her, that he said came from the other nurse, was from her, that she is the one emailing him that she's going with this guy over thanksgiving, that she didnt go, etc.. I havent mentioned it, but this always sounded suspicious to me, there is just no reason for the other nurse to be talking about this with H...so it always roused a note of suspicion in me.
H says he told her he is not interested, that her "come ons" are phoney, and to leave him and his family alone, that he doesnt want to hear from her. and to quit bugging me. Same song, 3rd verse.
I said "I told you so" (I know, not cool), that she was still after him, that I had known it because if she was really "done", and moving on with this other guy, there would be no reason to be sharing the info about that R with H. That far from being "done" moving on, she is using the other guy and talking about him to H to try to get H jealous to come back to her.
I told H that as long as he has any contact at all, responds to her at all, that she is going to take it as encouragment/interest on his part and she will never give up. He said that he always trys to be pleasant with everyone, I told him I know that, but that in her eyes that is moving back towards her since he has already told her before "no contact". H agreed that "maybe you're right"....
H swears there has been only casual discussion tacked onto work related emails. I asked what would have stirred her up again then, he said he didnt know, he imagines something about christmas. Told him I figured she would be doing something around christmas, as she always does. H said she might have found the ornament with their names on it she bought 2 years ago on their trip. ah, gee, I wonder why things are so easily triggered for me lately?
the evening was cheerful, we had supper with the kids, h worked out, i read a bit. I went to bed a bit early, being tired from tossing and turning the night before, intended to read, but found myself suddenly becoming anxious and upset, because i had thought H would be coming up early also. I resisted the urge to go downstairs looking for him, stifled my tears, kept telling my self to drop the rope and focus on "what if"...when H came up, it was actually about the usual time, but it just seemed forever because I'd expected him earlier and of course my mind was thinking he was downstairs on the phone or computer with her. I didnt say a word about it, but I must have looked pretty down, because when he got in bed he told me to "quit moping, there is nothing to it"...I told him I needed him to hold me...which he did and started talking. lets see, if I can remember the gist of the convo. hmmmmm, said that he loves me and doesnt want her. that he has what he always wanted at home with me, so why would he want to be with her? That he has always loved me, from the first, but that "you were mean to me for years" ( still don't get that, and take exception to it, but obviously that is either his perception or a justification that he's not ready to give up), and then you opened up to me, and everything changed. I had been going to go with her, and then everything changed. you were always kind and loving and patient and giving, and she was demanding and rude and cold and pushy. The contrast was so stark that it was impossible to miss. and it just got more and more evident. it was always all about her and what I could do for her. The last time I was there, I kept thinking she has nothing, absolutely nothing, that I want. You are the Love of my life, always have been" That what he wants is here at home with me. he talked about what a hateful thing it is for her to always be instigating this at christmas, how that would absolutely destroy our kids.
he held me for a long time, we ml, then he held me some more, we fell asleep again in each others arms, that is so nice.
This morning, we were talking again, about her flowery words...he was actually laughing about them. I told him I've been trying to learn to be more expressive, but that i will never be like that. he said it is all fake from her, that she says the same stuff to every guy; said "you may not give me credit for it but I can see through it"....
at one point last night, I commented that she'd obviously had a lot more experience with men, sexually and otherwise, than I had, and H agreed. I commented that I'd always thought sex ought to mean something....h said for her it is as casual as shaking hands...commented "she really is just a w---e."
got this email from H at 9:40:
Quote: Hey LOML how’s the day going? So far it’s okay for me, actually monster is in a corner a mile away and never ventures into the hall way so it’s really nice, like she isn’t even here! Well, I need to go. I love you D
I sent him a mush one back, havent heard from him....
So, I'm reeling with all kinds of mixed emotions. not sure what to think. I have KNOWN something was was up, I can't explain it, just "vibes" with H's withdrawal for the last month or so, accusing me of being clingy, saying he's going to work on weekends, (then not), his questions about how do you know some one is the love of your life....I KNEW she was using the other guy to try to make H jealous. I even commented to H this morning that she thinks she is so smart, and she is actually incredibly predictable. h agreed.
I guess what upsets me is that there's obviously been more contact than H has been upfront about. siiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhh. Will he ever get it through his head that he must have no contact and MAKE IT STICK????????
I kept pondering last night while I was waiting for him to come to bed if this is the time I need give him an ultimatum about the contact. But, I know that H responds really really negatively to what her perceives as anyone telling him what to do (he even commented last night about that was how she really sealed the coffin on their R), and I'm afraid it would undo a lot of the work I've accomplished so far. In other words, move me back from my goal instead of get me closer to it. As frustrated as I am, and as much as I want to choke him, dope slap him and read him the riot act, my more rational brain tells me the best way to proceed is to suck up STILL more patience, be still, and focus on the "good stuff" between us, and build on that.
