So much good stuff has been said here on Slowly's thread - and I'm wishing I could print it out to refer back to some of it. But I'll just chime in with my own thoughts on what Betsey has been saying & how it relates to my own situation.
I've come to think that there's a Part 2 to DB'ing - that when you first read the book you learn to GAL, to focus on yourself, to change up what you do, and it often has the benefit of attracting the attention of the WAS.
If you're lucky enough like Sage & Slowly to actually be here in Piecing, I think that's when the REALLY hard part begins. (And just when I thought my first months here were the hardest!)
But at some point, you need to learn new skills to be able to grow together. I think that both Slowly and I have felt the discomfort of not being completely honest. That is, we have the desire to talk about things with our spouses, but resist doing so in anticipation of their discomfort, which in turn activates our own discomfort button.
But in my own situation, I have been feeling discomfort for quite a long time. And along side that a pretty big FEAR of not rocking the boat. But the net result of not opening up and telling him how I feel is that it leaves me still sitting in discomfort, and adding a bit of resentment, frustration and sometimes anger too.
Betsey's posts hit me hard the other day. I began to see how I take on his feelings of discomfort rather than allowing him to own them and choose what he's going to do about them. The truth is that our current situation is painful to me in many ways, as equally as our friendship is also delightful to me. But I feel the need to be honest & authentic. I do not want to tiptoe around the 'sensitive' topics in hopes that he'll come around. As Betsey so aptly said, it's really when we are in discomfort that we are urged to grow.
Life is all about choices. And by stuffing down my feelings to the particular dynamics between us, I am the one sitting in discomfort, and in essence giving him the notion that everything is just fine. And it's NOT just fine.
It's true we've come a long way in terms of communication and genuine care and friendship. I truly value how we've both grown - much of it together. But I do not want to stay 'here' where we are - avoiding any discussion of the other areas of our lives that the other one doesn't see. In fact, I feel that I have allowed him to construct a perfect little bubble around "us" to his exact specifications & to his level of comfort. But I am more than that person in the bubble, and I don't like being boxed in. Our friendship is limited in many ways because there are whole areas we don't 'touch'.
What I understand from Betsey's post is that there comes a time when we have to communicate our feelings and fears, without blame or judgment, and then step back and allow the other person to choose whether or not they are interested in solving it together, or not.
If SO gets annoyed or angry or retreats from my feelings, then so be it. In my experience, this is common, as is his eventual return to the issue after his discomfort settles down and he comes to understand what I was really saying. So I have to be willing to allow him his reactions/discomfort and know that I have come forth with the intent of making things better.
That's what I think was meant by the posts above. To be willing to be open, vulnerable & intimate, with a solid positive intent and trust that being true is the only way to grow closer.
