I hope you don’t mind me butting in here. I follow your thread with interest. In some ways I see similarities between your h and mine. One of them being the reluctance to open up and talk and now the secretiveness.
I know first hand how the click click of a screen closing can raise the levels of insecurities within ones self. I have experienced it many times myself. I have asked, (nicely) bargained and begged my H to be more open and honest with me in the past to help build trust and intimacy- to no avail. He does not see the need for openness and honesty to build a closer relationship for some reason – to him getting closer is all about ML.
So anyway, I wanted to share a couple of things with you. The first is that I too am guilty of clicking down screens when h is around. For example when I was looking at Db notice board recently I clicked the screen down as he passed. He made some comment about me doing this and I truly resented it. I felt I am entitled to have things that I do not share. It does not make me a bad person or a person guilty of a misdeed does it? This made me think further about how He must feel when I question him about what he has been doing on line and why he clicks pages down when I pass and won’t let me read his email. If he had badgered me the way I have done him in the past I would have been really cross.
However – this doesn’t stop these moments when you feel anxious and apprehensive. I wanted to eliminate them as I find it hard to act in a loving way when I feel anxious, suspicious and resentful. So I (rightly or wrongly) tend t check the history of the computer to see what H has been doing on line. Yes I snoop. I know it is against all DB theories but if it stops me nagging H, getting anxious etc and helps my R then it can’t be such a wicked deed.
Over xmas H was very distant. He was on-line quite a lot, I was starting to feel very anxious and resentful. (I was panicking that he was having an online affair) Instead of brooding on it or asking him and it ending up as a row I ;looked at the history and saw that he had been gambling. I knew what was going on and this seemed to reassure me and I could let it go. It wasn’t my £ he was spending as all finances are totally separate now. It was up to him. So that is how I cope with my secretive H.
Other things that work for getting H to talk is taking a long hot bath together with candles and a glass of red wine. The wine relaxes him, there are no distractions and we are sat facing one another making eye contact which is something that rarely happens with my H.
Anyway, my final thought is that if your H is unwilling to put your mind at rest by opening up about OW then he is unlikely (IMVHO) to open up about what he is doing on line. It is up to you to take care of the way you feel and fix it. Not for it to be dependant on whether he will tell you or not. If you need to know find out, if not the resentment will grow inside you. Best Wishes. Pink xx
