Coexisting Gracefully with the Unresolved

[Underdog]

Slowly--Sorry for the mini hijack; I'm coming back to you in a minute, as I've been working on financials again, and that task seems to promote more left brain thinking for some odd reason.

Pam--I'm too busy to post much anymore, and I honestly feel as though my story is complete and what time I have here is to try and steer others into a positive direction. I'm only an e-mail away! Hugs to you, friend.

Back to Slowly...

But I know with certainty that with NG, the approach is to break up the problem, and tackle them in 5 minute chunks - any longer and he will run for the hills. And I cannot tell him what is wrong, or what makes me unhappy. I see far more progress when I am more prescriptive - as in what he can do that will make me happy.

I read you loud and clear, friend. And sometimes the answer is hardly clear, no? Sometimes it takes me some time to hash things out--with the right type of communication--to figure out what the answer might be. Mr. Wonderful and I are getting quite good at this, and I still think it's a shame that he didn't give us a chance to put all this to work in the context of a marriage. But we're doing it anyway, and it's proving to be very useful in our dealings with each other and parenting too.

So I'll prod again here. Please hear me out because I have a point to all this rambling.

You have noticed a pattern of him "not being able to take" more than 5 min chunks. I think if you reframe what it is you need, you'd disover that you're owning his stuff... because he runs or reacts in a way that you don't know if you like, it makes YOU uncomfortable.

Slowly, I can only speak for myself--and perhaps a few other friends here who have elaborated on this concept. Growth takes place through change, and change is not always enjoyable or comfortable. My biggest growth has occurred because I've been uncomfortable. It's been cultivated when I've done the growing in Rs where the other person has as much at stake as I do. Moving through the discomfort is where the real breakthroughs occur.

Discomfort doesn't give us license to act out or to judge or to approach someone or a situation harshly. To reiterate: as long as the goal is a healing solution--and you are owning your stuff while allowing him to own his and be himself--you are both going to grow in love and learn from this.

So... here's the mathematical hypothesis: If I grow and flourish because discomfort pushes me there, what makes this not true for others? And if this IS true for them, why would I set up communication to alleviate their discomfort (thereby alleviating mine) and have any faith that growth would occur? Basically, I'm denying them the wherewithal to grow and change with me... just because I'm uncomfortable with the conflict that it presents.

This is exactly what I'm doing with my D11... helping her work through her discomfort so she can effect change in the Rs she has with others. And that includes her dad. The more practice she gains doing this, the more articulate she'll be. The more articulate she is, the better position she's in to teach others how to do this.

It's a wonderful teaching cycle if you can practice with someone you know loves you and is committed to the R. I'm sure you're thinking that my R with Mr. Wonderful might border on the silly to the insane, but the fact is our decree didn't change our R at all. We may be divorced, but we truly love and care about each other. I love him enough to help him learn how to be himself with me... and it's improving his ability to communicate with other people too (especially the 150 folks who work for him).

I just have a ways to go with helping him work through his feelings about his R with his own father. But Rome wasn't built in a day, and all I can do is be me--without apology.

'Nuff said!

Hugs,

Betsey