Coexisting Gracefully with the Unresolved

[Underdog]

Hi Slowly,

I'm glad you are finding some empowerment from thinking about this stuff.

Maybe this will help you (and Sage and anyone else) navigate these murky waters. Sage, I hear you on the judgment part--it's very tricky if we don't take care when telling others how we feel and manage to pull it off without coming across harsh and judging.

But I come bearing a bag of tricks here and some really great experience doing this on my own. Now I'm in a position to coach my D11--who is turning 12 next Wednesday--she's a middle schooler in 6th grade, where emotions run amok and things get out of hand very quickly.

After coaching a friend through this very issue yesterday--one who was very skeptical, I might add--I found myself seated in my living room while my D11 was sitting in the recliner and bawling her eyes out.

Now granted, the issue is something that's a no brainer for all of us, but I quickly realized that it's the feelings behind the issue that had her stuck. I also realized I was in a good position to help her not only deal with the issue, but learn how to do this effectively, honestly and authentically.

You see, building intimacy isn't about pointing out to someone that their behaviors are wrong or that they should feel shame for how you feel about them. Intimacy is learning how to share our feelings with others and hoping that a cooperative effort might yield better results--sans guilt--for BOTH parties. Not one. BOTH.

So using my D11 as my guinea pig here (she's not here to defend herself, so why not? ), I'll tell you her issue and what she decided to do about it after she asked for my input.

She found herself agreeing to be the partner of someone she'd rather not partner with for a social studies project. She wants to ask the teacher for permission to do the project alone... The underlying issue was tangled into 2 threads: 1) How the other girl might feel knowing that she didn't want to partner with her; and 2) How she felt either way.

Initially, she thought the girl would think she was racist (she's Hispanic and though fluent in English, doesn't really work at improving her language skills--i.e., grammar and spelling). She also doesn't pay attention to detail nor seem eager to learn geography to D11's level of satisfaction. I did finally get her to admit that maybe she is a perfectionist? But winding our way through the conversation, D11 finally articulated the real issue: "I'm afraid of 2 things: 1) either I'm going to have to do all the work to pull off the grade I know I can do on my own; or 2) if I concede, I'm going to have to live with myself knowing that she doesn't care about her grades like I do."

Yes, we can laugh about this here. But there are lessons for adults in this type of conversation. She agreed that she would try to appeal to the girl first... by letting her know how she feels about her grades and putting forth the highest level of effort into all her assignments, and that she feels the girl is allowing her do to most of the work. D11 agreed if the conversation doesn't go to her satisfaction, she would then tell her teacher her reservations and live with his decision.

What I'm trying to say in a very roundabout way is that when we're authentic at communicating to others how we feel and they have a stake in working on the R, why wouldn't they be receptive to finding a solution? This accomplishes 2 things: 1) You're not controlling their behavior by making them change, rather you are telling them how you feel and asking them to help you with the solution; and 2) You're building intimacy and trust by letting them know how you truly feel.

Slowly, this is working amazingly well with my D11--who appears to have emotional issues with friends every few days. She's quickly learning that she doesn't have to project to others when she's feeling anxious, but she's learning how to be emotionally honest.

My adult friends who have taken on this very issue to tackle have reported good results too. My skeptical friend yesterday said, "He's going to react by saying XXX, because that's the way he's always reacted. What's different about this convo from the others?"

That's easy... It's because the intent before used to be to make a point. The new intent was to seek a solution, and the universe/God will always help us get what we need when the intent is pure.

BTW, she called me last night (before my chat with D11) with some very encouraging results. Let's just say she believes.

So, to sum it up: Own your feelings, speak with passion, don't control the outcome and seek solutions in the form of compromise. I swear to you both that when I do this, 100% of the time, I'm pleasantly rewarded. This works splendidly with my XH... and I know he appreciates the fact that I can tell him how I feel without pointing fingers.

Make it about how you feel and everything will be fine. I promise.

Bets

p.s. Mr. Wonderful responds best in a 5 minute mode too. It can be done.