Pam, Betsey and amd - Thanks so much for stopping by, today I needed to come here and see some feedback
By donning duct tape for an issue which is not being resolved on its own, it seems to me that you're trying to pretend that you don't have feelings about an issue that is denying you both of honesty and intimacy.
And so we come to the nub of what is unresolved in our M. I still feel that we do not have satisfactory closure on the a and why we are still together. I see a more attentive NG, and cannot find any specific complaints per se. Except that I saw a side to NG for a while that was more expressive (more to me than ow by the way) but that part of NG seems to have disappeared with the alien.
What really holds me back is that I am never 100% sure that his screen flipping is deliberate. It could be a co-incidence. There are many more times when I walk by and there is no such secretive behaviour. And I know from previous experience that NG is simply super sensitive about ANY hint that he may not be completely honest or trustworthy. I mean, really really sensitive about it. So I need to be so careful about the 'evidence' if ever I decide to have such a discussion.
I think he owes you 1) an explanation for his behaviors; 2) an apology for continuing to engage in secretive behaviors; and 3) an honest attempt at making sure that he's building trust rather than stealing it.
Bets, I completely agree with you. I need help here to figure out how such a discussion can proceed. After 19 years of skimming the surface with NG, I find myself watching his words, actions, body language and learning so much about just how strong his feelings are about things that frankly I would get over in a heartbeat. So I feel while I'm still in this journey, I will make like a student and learn before I confront.
Sometimes it feels like I just want to sit, have the chat and get it all out. But I know with certainty that with NG, the approach is to break up the problem, and tackle them in 5 minute chunks - any longer and he will run for the hills. And I cannot tell him what is wrong, or what makes me unhappy. I see far more progress when I am more prescriptive - as in what he can do that will make me happy.
In a way, this affair has probably wiped his self confidence more than it has mine. Although he has not verbalized it to me, I rather suspect he is unsure about his own judgement, and is therefore happiest when I make some of the decisions.
Slowly 
