Hiya amd - I like to think this is part of our journey to a deeper relationship. To date, in avoiding R talks, I feel we have brushed unresolved issues under the rug, or in my case, trying to co-exist gracefully knowing some things are still open
Quote: To date, in avoiding R talks, I feel we have brushed unresolved issues under the rug...
<Ahem> Might this not be an ASSumption on your part, Slowly? I really hate to see you beat yourself up with this, gf. To some degree, this is Martian 101.
Martians are not apt to fix something that's not currently broken. And there's no reason for you to go breaking it unnecessarily just because you think it in someway needs to be "fixed" (i.e. requires some attention).
Indeed I am sure he is processing, especially after that slip with the tape of Clinton. However, that doesn't mean he will be talking about it any time soon.
Perhaps he is too ashamed. Perhaps he feels too guilty. Perhaps he simply doesn't have the words to express his remorse. Some Martians have a very difficult time trying to express complex feelings in words. They just don't have the hyper-specialized vocabulary that we Venusians do, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
I know my SO doesn't want to talk about the EA/PA because it just makes him too damned uncomfortable, and he doesn't want to look back. He knows he screwed up. He's working to fix that. I accept that where he's at.
I can understand your feeling the need to talk about R, just close up loose ends and move on. Brushing under the rug can seem so dangerous. I feel the same way, and agree with Willow, a female need? My H reacts the same..."we talked about it once, we dealt with it silently on our own, we forgive and let's move on" While I think that when we talk, think more, we really get into the details of what/why of issues. Nice to hear Willow's comment....a different way of processing for men, and here I was so sad/offended that he did not make the same efforts to understand our R.
You will need that talk at some point--just at his pace. Looks like he IS coming around and you have had SO MUCH success. In life and with your M. Forcing him to talk will be bad (trust it from ME, I've done it and failed). Willow is right, he feels ashamed and that's hard for men, or anyone. Letting him come around more before gently talking about things in the future is a sign of you being understanding/compassionate that you know he is ashamed and will be gentle.
Hi Martha and Always - Thank you for the perspectives, it has helped me come down from the perch I was stuck in
On a much happier note, I got this in my email this morning. I like it, and want to be able to go back to it often.
1 Take into account great love and great achievement involve great risk 2 When you lose, don't lose the lesson 3 Follow the three Rs - respect for self, respect for others' and responsibility for all your actions 4 Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck 5 Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly 6 Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship 7 When you realize you have made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it 8 Spend some time alone everyday 9 Open arms to change but don't let go of your values 10 Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer 11 Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time 12 A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life 13 In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past 14 Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality 15 Be gentle with the earth 16 Once a year, go someplace you've never been before 17 Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other 18 Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it 19 Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon
Nice. Thanks for sharing the reminders! I think I might cut and paste this to send to myself (maybe everyday!!! )
Hang in there....it feels like you're most frustrated when you are so close to getting what you want. Just hang in there.....it has already paid off so much.
Heh, Slowly, I was reading some of your old threads yesterday.....thought that might help me. What a surprise when I saw what you wrote for me--showing me where I've been and where I need to go. Thanks again for taking so much of your precious time to lead me in the right direction. You are a jewel! Hope NG realizes how lucky he is!!!!!
Like Matilda, read through a your older threads. Bit slow on the uptake me though but London, A-levels.. - that makes you Brit then? Thanks for so much for you're input.
Hi always - Thanks for the encouragement. I know we have a better R now than before, but paradoxically, I expect more for myself. It's as if the whole experience has made me more sensitive to what makes me happy, and more aware of when I'm unhappy, and I'm faced with a growing unwillingness to just 'put up with it'.
Hi Andy - We live in Wokingham these days, much more peaceful than the bustle of London Though NG has just this morning surprised me with tickets to travel with him to Shanghai for a couple of weeks (now I need some smileys doing somersaults) We leave at the weekend, I cannot tell you just how exciting this is
Slowly
Slowly
Though NG has just this morning surprised me with tickets to travel with him to Shanghai for a couple of weeks (now I need some smileys doing somersaults) We leave at the weekend, I cannot tell you just how exciting this is