Quote: No fancy undies from Victoria's Secret this year!
Exactly. Steer clear of things like this as gifts for now.
And NY S. said something that really stood out to me: the gift buying is an emotional vent for the LBS. That is completely true for me; I recognize myself in that sentence. Must remember this!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I suppose that the biggest thing for me is that we are still living together, we will spend Christmas together, and the kids know that we've always done a lot for Christmas. Especially S7, he knows what's going on and is having trouble dealing. I guess I'm concerned that not getting anything sends a bigger negative message than getting something would.
NYS - I having been working mostly on one thread - "Going Home on Tuesday" - and have been kind of journaling, etc. there. I suppose I felt like I needed to start a new thread to ask specific questions, especially ones like this that I thought should be on a diff. board.
Out with the old, in with the new
2006 will be better than 2005
Quote: I suppose that the biggest thing for me is that we are still living together, we will spend Christmas together, and the kids know that we've always done a lot for Christmas. Especially S7, he knows what's going on and is having trouble dealing. I guess I'm concerned that not getting anything sends a bigger negative message than getting something would.
That's a horse wrapped in different paper. I don't want to seem flip (entirely) but a couple thoughts come to mind.
How bout a set of luggage.
Since you'll be doing christmas together I can sympathize with the situation of putting up a good front for the younger set. Maybe towels and bedsheets, clock radio, - I'm thinking about things she'll need if she splits (but I'll have to read up on your old posts to see if it's going that way).
Blankets, throws for when child visits her.
cooking utensils
a sweater.
a medical bracelet with your name, phone, address.
I agree that there ought to be something. Replace something that is still functioning but not ideal - vacuum, tv, microwave.
Well I just got a big non-verbal clue what W thinks about all this: W, S7, D5 and I are sitting around the dinner table, and while the kids are a little crazy, everything's open, warm, and fun. I make a comment to S7 about getting coal in his stocking (I honestly don't even remember why) and he fires back to me a comment my stocking being full of plastic chilis (I don't know why, aren't kids great? ). W suddenly goes cold, avoiding eye contact, body language goes closed and she sits silent until I can steer the conversation away from Christmas. So obviously she is not comfortable with the idea, either. Crap. So now I'm confronted with a dilemma.
We aren't speaking about the state of our M right now. W is starting a counselor on Monday, and she wants to see where that leads first. Understandable. I don't really want to talk about our M anyway, W is throwing out all sorts of accusations to justify her infidelity. But it seems like it is staring us in the face (that we need to do something about this), seeing as how the kids will strongly question why "Santa" didn't put anything in W and my stockings. Ugh.
Out with the old, in with the new
2006 will be better than 2005
I too am in a very similar situation. W - BD 12/11. I'm out of the house 10 months now.
Will I get her a card and gift for her BD. Hell yes! Will it ber personal - Yes, but not too persoanl.
Pretend your getting a gift for a close friend. You would get something that they would appreciate, that was meaningful to them, but not so personal that they would feel uncomfortable.
Avoid romantic gifts - no scented candles, Victoria's Secret, flowers, etc.
The same holds true for Christmas. Maybe a gift she could share with your children. A board game or tickets to the circus. Something they could share. (This idea just came to me and I haven't really thought it through).
I don't think we can let significant days in our lives pass without some form of acknowledgement. Some months back I had to wrestle with the whole Anniversary thing - It worked out, pretty much OK. It didn't change our situation much, but It made me feel pretty good and somewhat normal.
I say go for it, but be cautious and thoughtful of how it may make her feel. Don't try to force any issues with gifts or cards. Do it because you want to. Not to try and FIX your situation, because it won't.
Another quick thought. Buy some gifts for yourself. Wrap them and put them under the tree.
1. You deserve it.
2. The kids will see that Santa didn't forget either of you.
3. It will take some pressure off of your wife - remember she too is dealing with difficult feelings and emotions as well. Taking that pressure off of her may be the best gift you could give her.
Primarily you're doing this for your kids and yourself. Not to score points with your W. Don't have any expectations. She may not even recognize what you've done. So what!
Tornadoed ~ tough time of year for us all. I agree with crazee4her.
I say go for it, but be cautious and thoughtful of how it may make her feel. Don't try to force any issues with gifts or cards. Do it because you want to. Not to try and FIX your situation, because it won't
Something nice and thoughtful but small ~ maybe a photo of the kids in a nice frame.
For me personally I couldn't not give a present as I would just feel mean. Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.
I myself am a WAW, I was not unfaithful, nor was my XH, but I will tell you that a few events and moments passed where I, as the WAW has moments of gift-giving cluelessness and gift-accepting anxiety. I was overly worried about what my H was going to get me. I was unsure how I felt about him, and was moving very quickly in the direction away from him. I wanted to ignore the event or holiday for I feared he might give me something extremely meaningful in an attempt to right the situation. I worried that he could come up with the sentimental idea "NOW", when he was about to lose everything, but he couldn't even put an ounce of that effort into our M the entire time. What I prayed and hoped for was that he'd get me a card that would make me laugh, as a symbol of no pressure of reconciliation of the M...that he was more interested in reconnecting with me first. To me that would have been a symbol that he moved past his extreme wants and was able to join me in the quest for happiness...whatever that may be. It would have shown his interest in ME, but not a pressing interest in US. If that makes sense. Needless to say my XH did not do those things...he ignored the holiday because he just couldn't make a choice...he "didn't know what I wanted or what he was supposed to do." Which by the way, hurt me more than anything in the world. Now this is just a one woman focus group.
My vote...for a card and something else meaningful...something that doesn't require you to "express" verbal sentiment, but something that can be a quiet sentiment between you two...and be happy and excited when she opens it. Just my 2 cents.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
