I too am in a very similar situation. W - BD 12/11. I'm out of the house 10 months now.
Will I get her a card and gift for her BD. Hell yes! Will it ber personal - Yes, but not too persoanl.
Pretend your getting a gift for a close friend. You would get something that they would appreciate, that was meaningful to them, but not so personal that they would feel uncomfortable.
Avoid romantic gifts - no scented candles, Victoria's Secret, flowers, etc.
The same holds true for Christmas. Maybe a gift she could share with your children. A board game or tickets to the circus. Something they could share. (This idea just came to me and I haven't really thought it through).
I don't think we can let significant days in our lives pass without some form of acknowledgement. Some months back I had to wrestle with the whole Anniversary thing - It worked out, pretty much OK. It didn't change our situation much, but It made me feel pretty good and somewhat normal.
I say go for it, but be cautious and thoughtful of how it may make her feel. Don't try to force any issues with gifts or cards. Do it because you want to. Not to try and FIX your situation, because it won't.
