I've been posting primarily on the Newcomers board, but I thought this question might be more appropriate over here. W has told me she has 'strong feelings' toward OM, is 'numb' towards me, doesn't know if she wants to work on it or not, etc. I've been DBing for a while now, and things are getting slowly but surely better.
But I fear Christmas might be a big ol' matzo ball for us. (How's that for mixing your religions? ) I have respected her confused feelings and have held back on the ILYs, big shows of affection, etc. But her b-day is 12/20, and I have always done a lot for the b-day and Christmas - for 10 years. So, what to do? Which way should I go? Should I go more in the direction of the way I always do, or should I step back, do something very small, you know, thoughtful, but not much?
Also, I find it extremely hard to believe that OM won't do anything for W for W's b-day and for Christmas, and I find it hard to believe W won't do anything for OM for Christmas. I think I know how to react to that, but I don't know for sure.
Anybody else in this dilemma?
Out with the old, in with the new
2006 will be better than 2005
T, I don't know what to do either. Last week I was sure I wasn't getting WAH anything. I was just going to ignore the whole thing. Now I'm waffling and having feelings of guilt. One thing I am sure of is that I am not doing the shopping for his side of the family or his employees. I see that as a 180. I've been way too accomadating in that area in the passt and I think it was a BIG mistake. It's time he grow up a little and take care of some of this himseld=f.
I like your idea of something small but thoughtful. My gut tells me that your W may expect the same as you usually do for her and I don't know if that's the best thing, considering. Don't worry, I doubt that slacking off on her bday or Xmas will be the deciding factor for her as to whether she stays in your R
Good luck.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Don't overlook the birthday, it's the single most important occasion to a person, typically. Don't overdo, either. A card with a simple sentiment, nothing romantic, is sufficient. Come to think of it, nothing more than your signature is sufficient enough. Keep in mind she's not receptive right now to romantic overtures from you, likely nor will sweeping grand gestures have much significance right now, in fact, it could have the reverse effect with her thinking "Oh sure! He acts like this now..." Just letting her know you've thought of her, by way of a simple card, is enough.
Riding on NYS coat tail once again...a simple card, perhaps even a funny bday card with no romantic undertones. Keep it lighthearted as you would a friend.
I guess I was thinking that I should get her a gift, but not as much as I usually gave her (which was quite a bit between the two dates). As for a card, generally I actually usually got her a funny card and wrote something (that I thought was, anyway ) sweet and romantic inside. I really think W is dealing with a lot of guilt and I am afraid of pushing her into OM's arms by making her feel like I won't ever forgive. If I don't do anything, does it reinforce that feeling?
(TJ has been telling me on the newbie board not to try to read her mind, I don't know why I don't listen. )
Out with the old, in with the new
2006 will be better than 2005
I don't know about the gift...women tend to feel very guilty...a nice gift would perhaps depending on your W make her feel EVEN more guilty and thus only push her further away to wallow in the guilt...what would you do for a good friend's bday? I apologize that I don't know too much about your sitch, but do you think she would feel comfortable having an innocent lunch or dinner or do you think she would feel threatened that the subject of the R would come up?
But again, you know her best and you would know how she would feel. In my sitch, no gifts, no cards, nada...because I had always been the giving one in the R, now he has to do without it. That was my 180.
Just chiming in; I think the card idea is a good one.
As for Christmas presents, I didn't initially intend to buy H. anything, but I have picked up a few things to give to him. I just felt like if I got him nothing, that would send a much bigger (and negative) statement than if I picked up a few things I thought he would enjoy (nothing romantic or such). I may sign all the tags "to H. from the pets" though!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: I just felt like if I got him nothing, that would send a much bigger (and negative) statement than if I picked up a few things I thought he would enjoy (nothing romantic or such).
I guess that's what I'm thinking. I have to get her presents from S7 & D5 anyway, so.... Maybe some DVDs? No fancy undies from Victoria's Secret this year!
Out with the old, in with the new
2006 will be better than 2005
I am afraid of pushing her into OM's arms by making her feel like I won't ever forgive.
The reason she's with the OM has nothing to do with your demonstrating forgiveness now.
If I don't do anything, does it reinforce that feeling?
You mean as in not giving her a gift nor a romantic card? Nope.
You are assuming a couple of things, it seems. That sending her a gift shows forgiveness; that said forgiveness not being shown is an impedient to her returning to you.
If you were to have the mind of a WAS, you'd see it quite differently. If you give gifts or sentimental prose at this time, that will more likely make her uncomfortable, or make her sorrowful or make her feel guilty. What you'd like to do says more about the way you're feeling then it does her; it's giving you an emotional vent.
But I'm hesitant to say don't give a small gift if you really, really want to, just a little something you know she'd like. Use your knowledge of her to make the gift appropriate and personal, meaningful. In that department, you're one up over the OM. But don't expect or hope anything to come out of it, keep your expectations at zero.
Tormadoes, I tried finding your past threads and you have quite a few, but never finish them. A suggestion for you: finish one at a time. It makes me so much easier for others to find 8 or so pages of posts in one place and follow along the progression of events and comment accordingly than to have people forage through multiple threads to keep up... which they're not likely to do.
My WAW has b-day next week. The bomb was labor day and I had already purchased a piece of art for her. I've decided to hang it here. Someday I'll tell her it was for her all along and present it to her. Maybe during Reconciliation or after the judge signs the divorce papers (maybe not then).
I might even buy more art for xmas. It's not jewelry so I don't have to wonder what to do with it if it becomes silly to give it to her. I can keep it here and if she should see it I can tell her it was a gift and refuse to say from whom. (and to whom).
I will send a card for B-day and perhaps photo of dog for xmas. Not sure about that.
) I have respected her confused feelings and have held back on the ILYs, big shows of affection, etc. But her b-day is 12/20, and I have always done a lot for the b-day and Christmas - for 10 years. So, what to do? Which way should I go? Should I go more in the direction of the way I always do, or should I step back, do something very small, you know, thoughtful, but not much? 