Sounds to me like what you were missing in your first marriage (Emotional connection) that caused your LDness, you have found with your 2nd H, which has restored you.
I also think that by 'sterilizing' your body, you are only affirming for your H that there is indeed something icky about your body. I'd stop it, personally. You don't have anything to be ashamed about, and it certainly is NOT helping in the sex dept. anyway. Stop reinforcing it for him.
Also, people do not 'pick up' on other people's messages like "if I do this to him, he'll understand that I want him to do this to me." Just doesn't work. I'd try a more direct tactic with him... and if he doesn't like doing oral on you, would he be open to using a toy on you or with you? Have you asked?
I think you will have much better success with your H if you are gently open and honest with him, and ask for what you want. If he can't give it, he can't, but through open dialogue, you can discover what he is and is not willing to do or try. At least that way, you know what you are dealing with, and not wondering what is going on in his head.
Also... he feels the way he feels. To say that he should or should not feel or be certain ways just because he is a 43 year old male will only make matters worse. He will become ashamed of how he is when really what he is seeking from you is acceptance... maybe you can relate on some level from your first M.
He is probably sleeping so much to avoid what is very obviously an emotionally painful situation for him. I'd get into C if I were you... sounds to me like he is having a tough time verbalizing his feelings to you, and he is feeling very, very vulnerable with you.
I understand your frustration, but I can tell you from experience, that frustration is only going to make your situation worse, not better.
There is a communication problem going on in your M... also a trust and honesty problem. I'd fix those first... don't know that it'll solve your sex problem, but it will certainly be a big help.
