Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

amd - My Mom is absolutely amazing. She has a shiner that starts on her forehead and circles her eye well down to her cheek. She is very consciencious about it though, had it covered with concealer makeup, she SAID because she didn't want her greatgranddaughter to be scared of her. But she also said she wasn't going to church this morning. She had breakfast made, homemade cinnamon muffins, she just never slows down. I can only hope I am as energetic as she is at age 74. My stepdad seems to be all recovered from his angioplasty and shunt as well. How do they do it? Whew!

AKiwiwannabe - I love it! for short, AK or Kiwi or Awannabe? thanks for the positive, and don't be a stranger! You are the man! It's not hard to use other people to pump up H, he truly is a very well liked guy in my family as well as by many people. I know that wonderful man is still there......I am calling out the search dogs! I will keep looking!

bigAl - if H wants to butter my toast he can use whatever he wants that fits the job best!

[optimist2004]

Hey WCW,

I got caught up on your thread today. I'm glad to hear you had a moment of detachment the other day. People talk so much about detachment on these boards and I'd like to come out and I say, "just detach" or tell you that I have just suddenly "detached." But, I'd be kidding myself. I guess detachment can be viewed in increments and if you can pull just a little bit away from the desperate need for your M to work out, you've acieved some level of detachment.

I have never detached. I've had moments, especially right after H's Thanksgiving visit, where I started to think about the real possibility of being open to be with someone else. I think that's what you had. I don't mean specifically about "someone else," but just that a tiny bit of you let go, if just for a little while.

That's something.

[bravagal]

WCW,

You sitch , having your H at home has a whole other set of challenges. I can at least have my space at home and know when I will and will not see him.

As for your dream, sounds to me like you were just expressing your feelings and your sitch in the dream. Have you ever heard the theory that all the people in the dream are you? Well, that would meant hat you are the woman who got up!
The wheelchair could be your "handicapped" M now. Maybe when you are walking you will have a healed M.
Of course only you can know what your dreams are about. Just thought I would be mischievious and give you another angle.

bravagal

[WCW]

I forgot to add earlier that my mom did follow up with her doctor, and she passed all her tests in grand fashion, she is very healthy. The only thing they thought is that she is dehydrated, and that can make you dizzy when you stand up. She thought she drank plenty of fluids, but will and has promised to do a better job on monitoring her intake.

Hey Opti! did you find out about your house today??

Detach, refocus, less consumed, working on it. Easier today when I'm out in 0 degrees and H sits inside where it's warm and cozy and talks on the phone to ?? all afternoon. You'd think he could offer to come help with the hay, or the pretty little &^%#*^# Christmas lights, or moving some equipment. nope. And I suppose I should ask for help, but no, that's my stubborn German streak shining thru! So then I come in and start supper in the slow cooker. An hour later he stands right next to it eating something else, and I said "guess I didn't get food started soon enough". He says, "I didn't know you were making anything." Smell it, see it, no comprehend. Not my problem. I'll have a nice warm meal when I get done with chores tonight.

Oh, I forgot something important! Detach, lovingly.

[WCW]

Brava - all those people are ME? no wonder I am so tired! I was very busy in that dream while I was sleeping. I am sure always open to another angle. Anytime is fine.

[bravagal]

hee, hee. yup that explains never feeling rested, huh??
brava

[bigAl]

Hey WCW, my Christmas wish for you is enough $$$ for you to got to someplace warm for like two weeks and do absolutely no chores whatsoever. Take H with you if you want, but I wouldn't advise it. You are one strong person, as I have said before. And the most responsible one I know.

H knows it too. It's why he let's you work your tail off on what needs to be done and doesn't rescue you. Can't change who you are though so he's going to need to pull his head out of his a$$ and realize how much of a woman he is throwing away.

[WCW]

Well thank you, bigAl. Time off in warm weather sounds heavenly, but in reality, what in the heck would I do for two weeks? Well, I could load up some horses and dogs and drive south until I don't see snow plows on trucks anymore, that's a good sign it's warm then - right?

And, just when I get to complaining about cold and the work, H comes thru and helps with chores tonight. Well, some of them at least. I didn't ask, he was just surprised I hadn't already done them. ??? Showed up outside to help. I wonder if it had something to do with a comment my sister made yesterday that she was so sick one night that when she came in from outside her boyfriend put her straight to bed. I said if you were so sick why was your boyfriend sitting inside waiting for you to come in? I'm pretty sure H heard that remark. Isn't it something how easy it is to see what is wrong with everyone else, but we have blinders on in our own lives?

My 180! I almost forgot to tell you! When I strung out Christmas lights today I did them different. We have a board fence, and every year I wrap the boards with the lights, top board and middle board. This year, I went back and forth around both boards making a 'w' effect. How's that for a 180! I bet H will notice and be jumpin' in bed with me tonight!

[AKiwiWannabe]

WCW,

Hey, just wanted to point something out that might be a positive. Remember a couple of weeks ago when it seemed like your H started thawing out a bit? I wonder if perhaps you are right about your H hearing your comment about helping out with chores and that is precisely why he came out to help? That would certainly be a baby step. In hindsight from my own situation, we aren't the only ones that need to work on our R skills. The lead-up to a divorce takes fault on both sides...ours and the WASes. It seems that most of the time the WASes don't spend much time improving their R skills (They chose to walk, right?) but, even if acts of service aren't one of your LLs, you still needs some help around the farm and perhaps he has, knowingly or not, picked up on a way that he can express love to you? He may not have the same jargon(LLs, etc.) as the folks here on the board but maybe he is getting some of the same ideas on his own? Or starting to? And if you start seeing little signs of him picking up his responsibilites on the farm again then it might be time to consider whether the acts of services things, in addition to physical affection, is one of *his* LLs?

Trying to put myself in the place of a WAS, I would think that little acts of service and things like that are more likely to be the first steps back into an R than hugs and words of affection and that kinda stuff. They present less of an, um, risk if you will...not as much risk of rejection, less likely to trigger arousal(no, not sexually!) in LBS, less emotional effort on the part of WAS. Heh, here's some mental imagery for you...you ever see those nature films where the Thompson's gazelles go down to the river's edge to get a drink and are skittishly looking for the crocodile the whole time and the slightest little disturbance will send them bounding off into the bushes? Now we all know that there is no crocodile in the situation, but does he? Just a quick drink and then back to the bushes to build up more confidence for the next trip?

Hmm...sometimes I wish I had bigAl's gift of language so that I could be more direct about things but I hope that you get the general drift of what I'm trying to say. You seem to be in a pretty good place right as far as the detaching lovingly goes...I would think that is also right where you need to be to spot some baby steps and react in a way that might draw him in a bit.

[WCW]

Good points, Kiwi, I like the way you come at this from a different direction. I've been noticing and thinking too about how he helps me at night with stuff outside. He sure didn't used too, but for instance Friday night I was all done by the time he got home and he asked what was left, I said all done. He almost seemed disappointed. Now maybe it is his small way of showing whatever, and I'll take it. But then why wouldn't he come out to help do the stocking supplies that needs to be done this time of year? I know, don't whine, just take what I get. The other motivation for him to help is that last year he couldn't help, I never complained. The year before that he didnt do as much as previous winters, and I didn't say much at the time, I didn't know what was going on. But then I found the information about ow, and all the phone calls, and you can't talk on the phone with the tractor or the skidloader running, so he hardly ever filled feeders that winter, he was talking on the phone instead. I am absolutely not kidding. And yes, I was bitter after I found that out and shoved his face in it. So this could also be his way of making up for that too? I don't know, I'm just glad for the things that he does do. And I have to come up with ways to show appreciation without making him skitter away.

But, another first this morning. Absolutely no words or siting of H this morning. He's been good at avoiding me in the mornings, so today I just let him. He never said a word, neither did I. He stayed out of sight, so did I. I just left a note on the table, "have a great day." After thought is probably not the best choice of words, that's how ow signs all her emails.

Tonight H skis, and I have GAL planned for tonight! But first, a busy day at work.....