Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Thank you bravagal, thank you for the kind words. I'm not so sure which way is easier, to stay in the same house or to be separate. I AM sure either way is not easy to do. Some days I think I will come home and H will be here to meet me and say he's sorry and this has all been a big mistake and he loves me and let's get busy being even better than we ever were! That's not reality. There's other days when I dread coming home because I think he will be here, but that rarely happens. But then as the time gets closer that he should be coming home, I feel anxious, what will we say or do tonight? so I try and stay busy and occupied and not let my mind wander, not always successful. Something that is different now than when he was fresh involved with ow is that now he usually comes again to find me and see what I am doing when he gets home. Before the whole ow thing he would come home and find me and give me a kiss, no matter WHAT I was doing. So at least now he comes to see me again, usually. I like that.

Anyway, middle of the day here, and H went to take a shower. I sure wanted to join him, but I stayed away. No need to feel the rejection again. After all, he's warming up today. I made his eggs and toast this morning and told him they were ready. I was still cooking my eggs and the toast popped up, so he buttered my toast, and then took his plate to the table to wait for me. I was sure he'd go to the couch and eat with his laptop for company. See how great things are here?

And some day, when I say he buttered my toast, I want it to have a whole different meaning!

I had a dream Friday night, I don't like it when I remember dreams, bad things happen. I dreamt I was in a wheelchair and couldn't walk, couldn't get up, couldn't do anything in my life I've been used too. Then I saw another lady struggle to walk, she got up and made it. So I tried, and I finally made it too, I was walking again. I woke up shaken and remembering that dream, and couldn't help but think that my marriage is my wheelchair keeping me down but still rolling, this BB is the other lady that made it, and I will get up and make it too. But I still don't know if I will make it with H with me or on my own.

Should reach double digit temps soon, and the sun is shining. Hope to get to those outside Christmas decorations that I didn't get to last weekend.