Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Today is Christmas cookie give a way day. Anyone who shows up at the door can have a mitfull of cookies! We made piles and piles of cookies and candy during our annual bake day!

Back to Friday first though. H came home later than usual for a Friday, and I know he wasn't working because his tools were all at home. But he walked in friendly enough, even overly friendly, whatever. We had received a big box in the mail, so he was like a little kid rummaging thru it and guessing what was in the wrappers. Nice for a change. I made cookie dough, had H taste test it, and he even had 2nds. The rest of the night was pretty much silence as we fell back into our quiet routine.

Saturday was cookie day! I was up early and loading up stuff to take along to mom's, our usual gathering spot. On my last load I asked H if he was coming over today(he usually does), he said "I guess not." I didn't ask or plead or beg, I said 'then I don't need to bring any cookies home." His reply was "it's up to you" and I left. It's a 15 minute drive to mom's, a few minutes from her place I got a txt mssge from H about stuff at home, and he asked if I was going to the moonlight ride tonight. I figured I couldn't ignore it because he knew I was still driving, so I just replied about the stuff at home part, and ignored his question about my evening plans (mirroring him?). Over the next couple hours while I was at moms I got more txt mssges from H than I have in two weeks combined. I replied sporadically, and finally called him to make a special point of letting him know that everyone wondered if he was showing up, where was he, how was he, yadayadayada. He seemed pleased but said he had to finish some bookwork and then would come over later. So, I fed his ego, let him know how everyone wanted him and asked about him, and he responded positively. He and I were actually the last ones to leave, we stayed to the bitter end as everyone else had to leave earlier before we were all done. It was interesting and informative, as my stepdad started conversations with H about planning future events, stuff around here, asked about kids. H answered pretty positive about those things without irritation in his voice. As H was leaving they made sure to remind him about coming for Christmas and see ya then, H said yes. I was the last to leave, and stepdad asked me how things were with finances, he knows how tough it was last year for me. Without blaming H, I said it has continued to be tough, things will never be the same as they were before he got hurt, and blamed it more on needing people to pay for services we provide for them or their horses. With that discussion, my stepdad said to be sure I let him know if things got tough and he will help. So without spilling my guts to anyone, I know my folks will be behind me. I always knew they would, but to hear it said is some comfort.

0 degrees is too cold for a moonlight ride, so I let our friends know I wasn't coming. bbrrrr. I worked on a little bit paperwork, couldn't get too motivated just knowing how cold it was outside. H was on his laptop, laughing quite a bit. At first I was irritated about it, couldn't he share it with me too? but I didn't ask, and then thought that it just felt good to hear him laughing within the walls of this house. I went to bed fairly early, opened Christmas cards and read some in a book.

I had the weirdest feeling Saturday morning as I was getting ready to leave. I knew H would tell me he wasn't coming, and that I would have to end up making a special invitation (but he did make that easier by doing all the txt mssging). The thoughts in my mind surprised me, I just kept calmly thinking this isn't how I want to be living, I don't want to be married like this. If H would have said at that moment lets separate, I would have said you bet. I guess that made it easier to walk out the door and leave H behind, this time.

But I had a nice day, had fun and laughter. My goddaughter, 6 years old, asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I thought for a bit, and as her mom (my niece) was listening, I told her chrome for my truck (way too expensive) or let's go to a movie together. My Christmas GAL.