I had to jump off before saying that I was just throwing that out there from my experience and it may not relate to your sitch. I just remember how the fear and embarassment kept me prisoner and that might not be the case for you at all, but I get so much from what people share on here, I thought I'd mention how I pretended things were fine for so long.
I think it's admirable that you're protecting you and your H's reputation the way you are!
You can call me Sheila. I should probably change my screen name!
OK, when giving advice I know it's helpful to offer possible solutions instead of just pointing out problems. But, I don't know your sitch well enough to come up with a possible solution right now. But, I am starting to see that the secret life you are living and the image you are maintaining with freinds and family is a huge burden to you. Maybe you could do some thinking about how you could ease that burden. I'm not saying to post a sign at your driveway and make an announcement on your voice mail message or anything. But, is there a way you could stop putting out the effort to keep up appearances? And is H getting upset about it a serious problem or is it just that you're uncomfortable when H is upset (most of us are uncomfortable when our spouse is upset).
After I read Shiela's post above, it just got me to thinking about how much it relates to your sitch.
I've been struggling lately with keeping up the appearances, and have viewed it as the best way to keep H from moving on, don't give him ammunition of 'everyone knows anyway, no use staying here'. Is it time to rethink that view? I just have this nagging gut feeling that H is making plans that don't include me, I hope I'm wrong but it's how I feel. Which also makes it hard to act as if or smile or be happy or be fun to be around.....all the things that I should be trying. I know that H was also a good friend with the lady I talked to, and they have no friendship anymore because he hated facing her knowing she knew. When I found out about his activities of the affair and confronted him, one of the first discussions he wanted to know was if I did or planned to tell my mom. He was concerned about his image with his inlaws. I've respected that all along. But I also know that I will need family support to make it thru transitions if they come without H. It's hard to be making an alternative without their input.
Saturday is family cookie baking day. I'm pretty sure H marked the date in his cell phone, he loves the family days my family has. Will it be different this year? Even last year - I hate this memory - I had told him the night before that if he was going to have more than one woman in his life I would not be one of them, he left. But the next day was cookie day and he showed up late in the day. This year? will he come? I don't know. If he's trying to make a bigger gap, probably not. I don't plan to ask if he's coming, or maybe I should but I don't think I will. Sometimes I have a hard time not getting bitter thinking that he is just hanging out thru the holidays so HE won't be so lonely, and then...?? I also talked to my sis this week about our mom, and mom is concerned/stressed about my sis working so hard. She runs a dairy farm, she's single. I told sis that if she needs help and I need more cash flow maybe we can figure something out. She was going to think about it and we'll talk on Saturday. I guess that opens the door for discussion about some of the things going on. Saturday could be a big turning point.
I have to get off those negative thoughts, it's dragging me down. What's happy? what can I think on a positive note? Man, my brain is smoking but no good thoughts coming yet.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: I've been struggling lately with keeping up the appearances, and have viewed it as the best way to keep H from moving on, don't give him ammunition of 'everyone knows anyway, no use staying here'.
I can totally relate to this way of thinking. I am pretty certain that of the times my H wanted to leave I would have just been making it easier for him to do so if I had gone public.
It is a very hard call and feel for you WCW, I think too that the longer things go on the harder a call it is and will be.
That reminds me also, when H was wanting to leave last year he told me he wanted us to say this was a mutual decision when we told our kids. I looked at him like he had two heads, I could not fathom him expecting me to lie to my children and tell them everything I had ever taught them about committment and marriage vows was a lie and did not apply to me.
H immediatley got furious that I did not respond how he wanted me to. I had no idea what was the best way to tell them and I had no plans of hurting them more than I had to by saying anything bad their Dad, but I also knew there was no way in hell I could sit in front of them and make them believe that a divorce was something I wanted.
I count my blessing everyday I never had to have that conversation.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I hope you do talk to your sister about your sitch a little. It would be great if you two could work something out. A collaborative effort! Exciting.
You know what...you really hit it on the head when you said you are going to need family support to get through this. From personal experience, I can say that it is necessary, even though it comes with it's own set of stressors. But, they are family. They can forgive you and you can forgive them for all the little trespasses they will make, like asking about your sitch too much, or giving too much advice, or even judging you for your decisions. They will be there even though they are imperfect.
Re. outside support: My H seems to be irritated and uncomfortable whenever he thinks I've told someone about what's going on--he is very concerned with his reputation with friends and family. I found that the more I talk to certain friends, the better I feel. I think women are often wired this way, whereas men seem to keep stuff to themselves. My friends are my main support aside from this board. H may not like that I confide in them, but I need to to stay sane, so too bad. When he chooses to turn back to our M, then we'll talk.
Anyway, I did tell my family, but I don't share many details with them, especially my parents. When this is over, I hope H is still part of the family, and too much info may be a bad thing then.
I hope that you can share this burden with your sister and that she can ease the load for you a bit.
Lots of views and opinions on opening up about all this to people or keeping quiet, I still have to ponder on it. The other problem I have is when I start talking to anyone about it I turn into a bluthering idiot and can't keep the tears back. Doesn't help much.
Things have warmed up just a degree or two around home. Last night I talked to a friend about getting together for our monthly moonlight ride, and we thought an impromptu ride last night would be fun. Being a couples thing we've always done, I called H and asked if he would like to come too, it was almost 6pm by this time. I didn't expect him to answer, so when he did I was caught off guard, but I asked if he'd like to come, and he said NO, I just said okay then, and then he said that he'd almost been in the ditch a couple times already and wasn't going anywhere once he got home. I said the roads must've got pretty bad since I came home, what direction is he? he said 'I'm almost home and gotta get both hands back on the wheel." So, the + is that he explained himself instead of just a FAT NO. Later the friend called that invited us, and she talked about the bad roads too, and I mentioned H said how bad they were, and while on the phone with her I asked what roads he was on, he waved his arm and said "that way, I don't know where I was." Gee, that's funny, this is a guy that brags about how he's driven over 1.5 million miles around the US, and can go somewhere once and drive there forever again, but tonight he didn't know where he was? Funny.
I was still outside by one of the water tanks when he came strolling up, and I said this mare won't drink from the tank, so I offered her some water from a bucket and she drank it. We discussed electricity then, and I got a short lesson on breaker boxes, which I did appreciate. I also said that electricity scares me, and I know it kills people, so H was very good with his explanation of electricity, but it didn't solve the problem with why the mare wouldn't drink from the tank. We went on to shoveling in front of the house, H made another comment about the 'bird dog' but I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut this time. Got inside and we had some more conversation about the amount of hay being fed, and H opened up about his morning doing chores and how mad he got at the cows,etc. That's a first in a long time!
Also yesterday I sent H a txt about Christmas gifts, and if he planned on getting anything for kids, and if it would be from both of us. He replied that he was planning on something, but over the next few messages he never would say yes or no to 'joint' gifts. Still limbo about that.
The cell phone bill was laying open on the table last night. I looked. Whew! H talks a lot, no surprise. No suprise for me to see either that he NEVER calls OW anymore. But all those incoming calls that don't show a from number that rack up the time doesn't fool me at all. Txt mssge isn't detailed on the bill, although it could be, and I do know that H will send her a txt and then she will call him.
I was really bushed last night, went to bed early, said good night but didn't get a response. Maybe I didn't say it loud enough.
Making plans to reconnect a little with a friend over the holidays. She has off the whole week between, so I hope I can squeeze out of work too and we can get together. A little at at time.....
Cookie day tomorrow!!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Just venting about thoughts I've been having - I want to have a heart to heart with H, that is, assuming he still has one. I want to say that every day I feel like my life is being wasted, every day we flounder around in this limbo while we could be being so productive. I want to say sh*t or get off the pot. I want to say that 3 years ago when I had surgery and still in stitches and missing female parts for the first time in my life that I could have used some emotional support from you to get thru that. Sure, you were there physically by my side, it all looked so good to everyone, but where were the hugs and reassurances that I would be okay, that you would still love me being incomplete. What I got was a guy that said lets have sex, it won't hurt you even though the doctor says not yet. And then when I was hurting and recovering physically and emotionally, I didn't give freely, and you pulled away, and it all escalated, until it was all my fault that you weren't taken care of all these years of our marriage. After all, you did say I was the worst you ever had. Thanks again. It's time to fix our feelings and move on, it's time to start fresh, with or without each other. Either way will not be easy, alone or together, we are strong and will survive. What is the best way for us to survive? Run from our probems and our marriage, let them linger over us for a lifetime? Or learn how we can be better people and grow ourselves to being in a complete and whole marriage? End of imaginary conversation.
This morning I was thinking about H's explanation of a breaker box and wiring he gave me last night. I think his breaker is off. It's just one wire that doesn't have the current flowing thru it, but the ground is still working (me) and the nuetral is still connected (the ranch), it's just the hot wire that is disconnected (H). I have to figure out to flip his breaker back on to complete the circuit . Two out of three isn't so bad when I think about it this way.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Whew! H talks a lot, no surprise. No suprise for me to see either that he NEVER calls OW anymore. But all those incoming calls that don't show a from number that rack up the time doesn't fool me at all. Txt mssge isn't detailed on the bill, although it could be, and I do know that H will send her a txt and then she will call him.