I've been struggling lately with keeping up the appearances, and have viewed it as the best way to keep H from moving on, don't give him ammunition of 'everyone knows anyway, no use staying here'. Is it time to rethink that view? I just have this nagging gut feeling that H is making plans that don't include me, I hope I'm wrong but it's how I feel. Which also makes it hard to act as if or smile or be happy or be fun to be around.....all the things that I should be trying. I know that H was also a good friend with the lady I talked to, and they have no friendship anymore because he hated facing her knowing she knew. When I found out about his activities of the affair and confronted him, one of the first discussions he wanted to know was if I did or planned to tell my mom. He was concerned about his image with his inlaws. I've respected that all along. But I also know that I will need family support to make it thru transitions if they come without H. It's hard to be making an alternative without their input.
Saturday is family cookie baking day. I'm pretty sure H marked the date in his cell phone, he loves the family days my family has. Will it be different this year? Even last year - I hate this memory - I had told him the night before that if he was going to have more than one woman in his life I would not be one of them, he left. But the next day was cookie day and he showed up late in the day. This year? will he come? I don't know. If he's trying to make a bigger gap, probably not. I don't plan to ask if he's coming, or maybe I should but I don't think I will. Sometimes I have a hard time not getting bitter thinking that he is just hanging out thru the holidays so HE won't be so lonely, and then...?? I also talked to my sis this week about our mom, and mom is concerned/stressed about my sis working so hard. She runs a dairy farm, she's single. I told sis that if she needs help and I need more cash flow maybe we can figure something out. She was going to think about it and we'll talk on Saturday. I guess that opens the door for discussion about some of the things going on. Saturday could be a big turning point.
I have to get off those negative thoughts, it's dragging me down. What's happy? what can I think on a positive note? Man, my brain is smoking but no good thoughts coming yet.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
