Hanging on/The Long Haul

[optimist2004]

Ohhhh!!!!! Your H is making me so MAD!!

[Phoenix_spark]

WCW, pop over to my thread. I sent a reply.

[WCW]

There IS NO working on a marriage until you have TWO people working on the marriage earnestly.

HHmmm, just got this off another thread. No wonder nothing is working for me. I thought one person working on it was a good start. Sniffle, upside down smile, sad, dumb, dumb, dumb. But the answer is I am not working on the marriage, I am working on me? Right?

[Becca1975]

WCW, i found that fascinating too and the odd thing is that that was in so many words what I told H this weekend. That i Couldn't fix this singlehandedly, I've done all I can do until he decides to commit, the rest we have to do together.

I think this comment is spot on.

You ARE working on your relationship, by working on you. Now he has to work on him and decide to work on teh relationship. Easier said than done,eh?

[WCW]

I've said that to H, over the last 1.5 years. No effect. I've asked him to help me work on this. No effect. I haven't said anything like that for a while, or I don't think I have. I know that we can fix this if he would just start giving it a try, but he won't now, even though in late summer and fall I really felt like we were making it. We had that big event in October that I was organizing for the group that H is chairman of, I can't help but think that he 'kept me happy' at home so that I wouldn't junk that event and it would make him look bad. It was right after that he pulled the big hunting trip boner and spent gobs of money again. All down hill since then. And, I should throw in that was ow's birthday too and he's being pulled her direction.

So, as Scottisheart said - IT'S ALL ABOUT ME NOW. (Where is she anyway? I sure miss her smiling comments.) I still feel so sad about all of this, with anxiety about what the future holds, but I can't sit around forever without a stitch of a clue from H about anything. I don't mean I intend to pressure him about us or R, but there are decisions about day to day, month to month, year to year life that I can't keep ignoring. With or without him, I have to make decisions to stay in the game of surviving life in the best way possible.

Mom update - she is feeling okay today and has a follow up appointment with her doctor on Friday. My mom really is the best.

I'm just so damm lonely.

[optimist2004]

I'm just so damm lonely.

God, me too.

Have you ever talked to your mom about what's going on? What did she have to say?

[Becca1975]

Lonliness is the absolute worst. I'm thankful for my online friends. I know that most of the time, I can sign onto messenger and at least one of my 10 or so friends (all female) will be online and willing to chat for a bit. Occasionally I'll have a rough night and no one will be around and it is unnerving.

[SweetRedd]

WCW,

Hi there lady Can I say that I know where you are? Not that I've lived your life, but I may have lived a portion of it the first 12 years of our marriage. So, I'm gonna share some of my "stuff" from back then. And yet again, it might be anti-DB, my 10 cents, and take it for what it's worth.

For the first 12 years, H and I had probs that I kept hidden as much as possible. I helped him to create the image of the happy couple, beautiful family. Over time as things began to fall apart between us, I busted my *ss to do everything possible to make him happy. I thought that there must be *something* wrong with me and if I could just find the right combination of *me* traits and put them together, he'd get a clue and love me back the way I needed to be loved. He'd stop being cold. He'd stop rejecting me if I could somehow become irresistable, and well, perfect. To everyone looking in, we got along fabulously. Nothing ever went wrong in our lives that we couldnt handle. But behind closed doors, it wasnt that way. Over time, my self esteem decayed because I couldnt find the right combination of stuff, and he wasnt giving me a clue what to do either. Then he started to unravel and cause BIG problems in our M. It came to a point where we existed here, much like you do with your H, only I wasnt as sweet as you and the tension was awful.

It finally got so bad and I got so so so lonely and lost hope. I reached out to a friend because I was at the end of my rope. That friend was shocked, but also relieved. Because she loved me, and being my friend, she knew something was not right, but I never opened up and let her in. Let me tell you, that was the end of my loneliness when I opened up and shared the truth of our happy little family. I found out that people didnt think I was a failure, and they didnt hate me or my H. Friends wanted to help and lift me up. H and I divorced and it was only through my close circle of friends that I made it. It was such a freeing thing. I didnt go through the days wondering what was wrong with me and what I could do because I could talk to someone and be reassured that it wasnt me and that I was loved.

WCW, my life has never been the same since I stopped living a lie with the people in my life and stopped protecting my H's image. I didnt ever set out to destroy that image, but I refused to support an illusion that he couldnt contribute to. And, being real with our friends opened the door to so much love and support for both of us. And, he did have to answer for some things and begin to think of how he acted and what people would think because he knew I was no longer going to hide things. Our friends would ask him what's going on and he'd have to answer. And for the first time, I wasnt the only one telling him that he has a beautiful family he needs to take care of.

I wish I could really explain what a difference that made to me personally. I lived in fear of what people would think and that if I told someone it would become real. Well, it was real anyway. The freedom was in admitting it.

Just some thoughts, for what they're worth.

H is having a battle with the babies so I've got to go.

Hang in there!

Sheila

[WCW]

opti - I haven't talked to my mom or anyone except one friend, and here on the www. I haven't wanted to get too many people involved or let the cat out of the bag, hoping that it wouldn't have to be front page news and that would make it even worse to try and save this mess. I love my mom, but it would consume her (as it does me) and I would not get a minute of relief once she knew. The same thing sort of happened with the friend I talked about, not a day went by that it wouldn't come up and she'd grill me about it, and finally I just said I can't keep letting it take up every minute of every day, I need a break. She got pretty offended and it's never been the same again. But I may be getting to the point where keeping quiet isn't an option, but I sure don't want to dump it on mom or whoever quite now.

Becca, need another on line friend? You too opti?

Lot's of snow tonight, makes things harder to do outside. But I did ride for a bit tonight since the temps aren't sub zero anymore. I rode inside for a while, then I was just heading out for my romantic ride in the blizzard with myself when H walked in the arena. Sure caught me by surprise, and I said HI. I asked if he wanted to see the slide marks we (my horse and me) made (funny but not if you don't know about reining) so he looked, and then offered some suggestions and watched what I was doing. Felt good. Then I rode and H walked out and we moved some livestock between pens and fed more hay (deep snow, feed more now). Just before we came in we shoveled in front of the house. The new dog we got in October still wonders about snow, and H made a comment about him chasing birds. I didn't even think, but I said 'yeah, I figure he'll be our bird deterrant next summer.' Oops, I wish I could have hit recall. Dead silence except for the scraping shovels.

Here is a weirdy - the cell phone bill came in the mail today. Now, for anyone that's been following along for months and months knows that H miraculously happens to get the mail once a month on the day the cell phone bill comes. There's been twice I can think of that he's missed it, and today is #2. No, I didn't open it. You can all send me congratulations, thank you.

[WCW]

Thanks - do I call you Piglet or Sheila? I do understand what you're saying, I am protecting H's image as well as the image of our marriage. I'm sure people can see we aren't the happy touchy feely couple we used to be, but I know they don't have a clue what is really our life. I need to get over it, but I also know that when H found out about the one person I did talk to - whewieeeee! it wasn't pretty! I will need the emotional and physical support of some people to keep me and all of this going. I am also pretty sure most folks will be shocked enough to hear about any trouble, only time will help them see the truth. And you're very right Sheila, if people know and ask H about it, maybe he has to start facing his own self. I don't want to deface or shame him into anything, but if he has to explain why we can't stay married to real life people, maybe he will see just how stupid this all is.