Hanging on/The Long Haul

[Phoenix_spark]

Just thought I would bump so I could find you easier tonight when I have a chance. I have been following, however nothing much to say. My hat goes off to you.

[WCW]

Phoenix, please come back and have your say. How have you been?

Wanna hear the best part of my day? the tractor tire! I went to pick it up at the farm tire repair shop. When you're born and raised and lived your whole life in a town of 15000 you know a lot of people. There was an older dairy farmer guy at the counter, and years ago when I was in grade school he or his wife picked me and my sis's up on their way by to take us to school. Well, the discussion was about drinking milk, he was getting picked on in good nature humor and he said he doesn't like milk and turned around to look at me for support. I said I didn't blame him a bit, I didn't like milk either, and with wide eyes said "do you know where it comes from!??" He had this look of on his face, and then everyone started laughing. How's that for the best part of a day? pretty exciting! can anyone top that???

So, as long as I was in town so late waiting for the tire, I thought I'd stay in town long enough for H to be gone to skiing already when I got home tonight. My timing wasn't good enough, or he was waiting, not quite sure. But, he was just finishing all the outside stuff, I dropped the tire off by the tractor and came in to change boots and jackets. Walked back out, checked and everything was done outside, got back to the tire and H had already put it on and was back in the house. I walked in and he was hustling his stuff together to leave, said see ya later and walked out. I went to start a heater, he walked back in, grabbed more stuff, walked out again. I was filling a heater tank, he comes back a 3rd time, he forgot his ski boots, and this time he looked at me and said see ya later. He really left this time. Not sure if he was really that forgetful or ???

Also, he has been very careful to avoid me or any physical contact with me. I will occassionally brush him if we pass but nothing lingering. Last night he stood behind me for quite awhile in front of the heater while watching tv. This morning he opens the bathroom door and walks in talking about a big snowstorm headed this way, undresses and gets in the shower. Am I grasping at anything? is this a small sign? and when I called him today about a pretty sore subject (broken handle) he was helpful and not a note of agitation in his voice, in fact, I was surprised he answered his phone knowing it was probably me.

Now, I say probably me. H has our cell numbers blocked from displaying when we make calls. We have one other friend who did that for a while but doesn't any longer, and I know OW had hers blocked as of the last time she called me. Saturday night while dining at our Christmas party H got a call. He said he couldn't tell who it was. I asked why not,didn't it display? He said no, it must've have been our friend. I said that guy no longer had his number blocked, it wasn't me calling him, and that left only one other person I could think of. H acted innocent, he didn't know who I meant, I didn't explain. But that does explain why when I do call him but don't leave a message, if he does call back his usual greeting is 'my phone shows you might have called.' It gets me everytime, he's got a 50/50 shot at getting it right who called.

Yesterday, after being outside most of the day I was very warm but the bottoms of my jeans were all snowy and frozen stiff. When I got thru the door I just peeled off my jeans and my first layer of shirts and left it on the floor for a while, after all, I was home alone for the day. It was still on a pile when H finally walked in, so I went to pick it up, and he said something about being so hot I had to take my clothes so fast? I commented back as I was scooping them up and going to the bedroom, I was hot on top and wet on the bottom. He did make a comment but I was too far away to hear it, and then it dawned on me a while later that what I said could be really be taken the wrong way!

Normally I would tell H thanks for doing my chores and fixing the tractor tire verbally or with a txt message. But tonight I will leave a note on the table for when he gets home, I won't make it a point to contact him. Maybe I can think of something cute and creative that he will remember. I've got a few hours yet.

Really do have to start on Christmas things. I did buy stamps tonight, and plan to create a card as usual to send out. The difference will be I am not asking or telling H or waiting for him to avoid it, I am just doing it. Ho ho ho.

[WCW]

Kinda sad today, PMA down. Minimal contact with H, I know, detach. What gets me is the pile of Christams cards on the table addressed to H and I or Mr and Mrs. He won't touch any of them, they are all unopened. But yesterday one came with just his name, he opened that one. Sad, this guy is playing such kids games in such an important piece of life, another way of excluding himself from 'us'. I'll open the cards, and maybe I'll display them in my bedroom. I got more room there now.

I get a haircut tonight! Haven't had one since June for that 'makeover'.

Oh my, just got a call that my mom tripped and fell last night, unconscious for a while, my step dad called the ambulance and they spent a few hours in the emergency room. A few stitches, he said she's okay today. Will make time to stop and see her today.

[slowly]

Thinking of you and your mum. Take care. Slowly

[amd]

Sorry to hear about your mom, WCW--hope everything's OK.

IMHO, it sounds like the iceman you're married to may have started thawing out a little. Is this a case of the less you pursue, the more curious he is? His actions certainly sound deliberate.

[NNP1965]

I'll keep your Mom in my prayers WCW, with a few extra for you too.

[optimist2004]

Hey there WCW,

I feel you with that downer of a PMA kind of day. They come and they go. Personally, I don't see any use in beating yourself up about it. It's all part of the deal. But, from what I know of you, your PMA will be back.

Sorry to hear about your mom's fall. Sounds like you got a good couple of parents you want to hold onto. Hope she really is fine like you stepdad said. It's nice to see two people taking care of each other, huh?

My minor pg scare is over as of a couple minutes ago. After I took the test, I knew it must just be stress. But there was such a part of me that WANTS to be pg that I was scared that my body would start listening to my emotions and I'd jinx myself into being pg. I never thought my biological clock would start ticking, especially after I've already had one. But, I'm kind of supersticious about pregnancy for some reason. Like that "pregnancy comes in threes," saying. When a woman at work started wondering if she was pg I started to really get nervous. Isn't that dumb!

Men are stupid about Christmas cards. Even when H and I were together-together he wouldn't open them. But, I sure know that it's just another reminder you don't want smacking you in the face when H will open up the ones addressed to him only.

Gosh I wish there was a way you could run that ranch on your own and tell your H to take a hike and come back when he has something to offer. No, I know that's not what you want or maybe even need. But, I'm just having this feeling right now like I'd like to be set free to make my own success in this world instead of trying work around someone else who's pulling you sideways instead of forward. I know, I know, it ain't that simple...I'm just in a mood. Anybody got the tune for Free Bird?

Wait aren't biological clocks and free birds in conflict?

[WCW]

Thank you slowly and amd and sara and opti for your kind thoughts about my mom. I went to visit her, she is okay. What a shock to see your mom with a black eye and a big goose egg! She's still groggy, but I think a lot of that is due to being up until 3am. She doesn't remember hardly anything about what happened, but when she fell she actually cracked the vanity top on the sink and ended up in a heap in the bath tub, knocked out and bleeding. Now my stepdad, who just had angioplasty and shunt last week, fishes her out of the bath tub and back to the bedroom and calls 911. They are both 74, and actually very young and healthy and active for their age. 2nd marriage for both of them, over 35 years, not every one of them full of roses but yes, they love and care for each other. Speaking of roses, I picked one up for my mom when I went to see her.

And H found out about my mom too from a friend of my sis's. Word spreads fast. Doesn't that just figure? ticks me off, she doesn't call or tell me she is concerned, she talks to H? WTF? so he calls my cell phone during work, I don't answer, he doesn't leave a message. When I called him back at lunch he just asked if I'd heard about my mom. He never said sorry or anything. I hope I can keep my emotions in check and not let this push me over the edge again.

I'm just having this feeling right now like I'd like to be set free to make my own success in this world instead of trying work around someone else who's pulling you sideways instead of forward. Whew! doesn't that just say it all? Hey opti! you're looking for a place to live and like horses, I have horses and might be needing a roommate to help with expenses. Should we be making a plan? My tallest horse is an Appendix at just a mark short 16.2h. Is that big enough?

[optimist2004]

16.2 hmmmm.... not too bad, but don't like to straddle much closer to the ground than that. They gotta pick up their feet when they walk too, and have a just a touch more pride than they really oughtta.

[WCW]

I think if I add it all up, I've seen H less than one hour since Sunday. And of that hour scattered out in a few minutes at a time, conversation has been about 5 minutes total.

Last night I worked late, had an appt, went home and took care of things there, and then left for a meeting, no H around yet, I got home after 10pm. Nothing said when I came in, H didn't ask any questions, even about my mom. He always said he liked his inlaws, I thought he would at least care enough to ask about her. Finally he said something about some extra couch pillows sitting in a bag, someone dropped them off to use as a donation for a benefit I'm working on for early next year.

We have a snowy morning, schools closed for the day, I mentioned that to him and joked if he was closing his business for the day? He said something about his last appt last night was already talking about closing schools today, hhmm, was that a slip of the tongue? he released information about where he was. When I was leaving this morning he was in the shower again, I said be careful today. He hollered out 'what did you say?' I repeated, 'be careful today, there's lots of snow out there.' He sounded surprised.

I think I feel okay about this for now. Of course I am sad that we are even at this point and he doesn't share anything with me, and that he doesn't want to know anything about me so I don't say anything either. Is that mirroring? I act like him? but I sure don't like being like him. Treat him like he treats me, or treat him the way I want to be treated? I suppose I know the answer to that, because treating him the way I want to be treated hasn't accomplished anything. But I don't see how being such a bad a$$ like him is going to make me feel better about me. I just don't think I can be that kind of person, at least not for long. And honestly he's not that kind of person either except to me. sigh.