Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

A long physical day today, I'm tired. Spent many hours outside putzing and working on stuff. Got a flat tire on the tractor, can't get the lug nuts loose, even after spraying with WD40. Rats. Also did a project that required each horse to be caught, so I asked a couple ladies that have horses here to come help me. It only took a couple hours that way when I had help.

H was gone hunting most all day, stopped home for an hour or two in the middle of the afternoon. I didn't even know he was home for quite a while. I could feel myself change when I saw his truck in the yard, weird. Tensed up, for lack of better explanation. H went back out hunting, and I went for a walk (fixing fence).

He seems determined to keep up appearances in front of your friends and family. For one thing, our spare bedroom is also the catch all room. So our friend staying over would be on the couch, so H couldn't hardly sleep on his usual floor in front of the couch. But for the most part, yes, he keeps up appearances so it all looks good to the unfocused eye. I can tell that even though we arrive someplace together, he keeps plenty distance after that but most people don't notice. He smiles, I smile, we're great. This has probably worked in my favor as that he cares enough not to flaunt it? but on the inside it just feels like a slow bleed making me anemic.
Has he seen his Dr. lately? Other than the specialist for his injury, no. He should, but I can't make him. All my insurance stuff recently changed at work, and he won't even pick up his new medical cards from the table. A little resentment? but why?
you say your H is normal around other people... is he? Has anyone else noticed a change in his moods at all? People noticed last year at this time when his injury was still pretty fresh, but they all knew it was just do to that. They didn't know all the rest of what was going on. Now H is very happy and makes jokes and is very well liked by many people and friends. He seems to be even working overtime to contact people and be friendly. I only know this because some of it eventually gets back to me - 'he called just to chat, to mention this or that'.

My thoughts about H today are our love languages. I've been thinking that he is physical touch, but maybe I'm wrong. I think he is words of affirmation. One thing he told me was that I ridiculed him or made fun of him. True, I made fun of him, but I thought it was all in good humor just like he did me, and lots of people. He can be a real joker. Turned out that it is okay for him to do it to other people but don't do it to him. I don't do it anymore, but I miss the teasing and playing back and forth that I thought was all in fun. And I do know that he thrives on being pumped up by what people say about him. Which goes back to appearances, and why it is so important to hide this from people so they don't talk bad about him. Can a persons LL change over months or years?

Yawn, yawn, yawn. It's early, and I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep. Sure hope I get it.