Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Thanks donH, you are probably very right about many things, I need to face the facts. H was not always this way, he used to be such a great person, and to so many people he still is a great guy. It's just me he drags thru the dirt, and I let him.

H was home actually fairly early tonight, seemed in a good enough mood and asked me if I had decided on a digital camera. ??? I haven't mentioned anything to him, but he saw some info I had laying on the table. We talked about it, I asked if he wanted to go halves, he said no, that's not what he wants to do but he would put some money towards it. I asked what he wanted? H sold his old camera a year or two ago, and said since then he has been saving for a good digital. He wants to spend big bucks. Makes sense doesn't it?
I still had to change clothes to go out and do chores, and went to the bedroom. Reality check - H cleaned out a bunch more stuff today, another kick in the gut. He even vaccuumed the floor. Big breath, I changed clothes and came out and asked if that meant anything. He never really answered, but some of the personal stuff he put in his shop trailer and the jar of change he cashed in at the bank. I asked if there was anymore discussion he wanted to have, and he had quite a few facial expressions but no words came out.

Fast forward to now, we are back inside. I went to the bedroom and cried a bit, trying to figure out what I am going to do tonight. I've been sleeping there alone for so long already, but now with so much more of his stuff missing I don't want to sleep there tonight, or anymore. It's such an empty feeling. I sat for a while trying to figure out a plan, I don't have one yet. Seems silly to sleep in the living room or on a couch, that's where H sleeps. If I decide to leave I don't know that he would even ask what I am doing, so if I decide to walk out I better be sure and not plan on coming back. Is this HIS ultimatum? I've mentioned how hard it is coming home and finding things missing, that he packs up a few things at a time. And this is exactly what he did again, a little more visual this time. Intentionally because he knows how much it hurts me. He sure hit his target again.

[WCW]

Happy Saturday? why not? gotta keep trying I suppose.
A good friend on messenger talked me into staying home and sleeping in my bed last night. Don't let H have that control over me. I can't say I slept so great, went to bed by 12am, still watching the clock at 2:30am, and awake at 4:30am. The early morning farm show says we'll have below normal temps for the next 90 days. Oh Yeah.

Got a call today from our young friend in college, she is home this weekend. I invited her along to a Christmas party tonight, she accepted, and asked about staying overnight. Gulp. I said okay, what else could I say? I always tease her about coming and having jammy parties, so she took me up on it. I decided it would be best on me to tell H so there wasn't a big surprise when she walked in with an overnight bag. He took it fairly well, maybe he has enough time to make a plan to sleep somewhere else, maybe he'll sleep in our bed with me. Isn't that ironic? the day after he cleans out more stuff, then this happens, a sign he should be sleeping with me? Somebody above is talking to him, why won't he listen?

So, we have a party and a friend tonight. Something to smile about.

[WCW]

Had a great time at the party last night. Good food, good friends, good games. A bunch of us played volleyball afterwards, whew! great way to let your food settle. And, my horse and I were named High Point Ranch Horse for the year. Woohoo!

More stupid stuff all day Saturday. I had ordered that handle latch replacement for the one I broke, it came, but it's not the right one. New version of an old model. So I still have that hanging over my head, H is doing goofy stuff like letting the hose freeze up, didn't fill water buckets, didn't refill grain barrels. Don't know if it's intentional or his mind is as screwed up as me.

Some people do what they talk about, and some people talk about what they do. I said I would replace that latch I broke, and I am working on it asap. Remember that tree that H swiped with my truck a month or so ago, H said he would fix the headlight,etc. Nothing, doesn't even mention it.

Didn't stay out real late, H and I and our college friend all came home. H grabbed some stuff and went to bed. Friend and I talked a bit, and I went to bed too. Boy was that weird, someone was in my bed! H was getting up early to go hunting this morning, at one point he rolled over on his stomach and I reached over and rubbed his back for a minute. I think he mumbled thanks.

Temps already in the 20's today! tropical heat wave!

[SweetRedd]

my horse and I were named High Point Ranch Horse for the year. Woohoo! Way to go GF! That's something to be excited about

So I still have that hanging over my head hmmm... you're a sweetheart. I'd probably let him fix it so he's have a good long think about how things got to that point!

H grabbed some stuff and went to bed. Friend and I talked a bit, and I went to bed too. Boy was that weird, someone was in my bed! H was getting up early to go hunting this morning, at one point he rolled over on his stomach and I reached over and rubbed his back for a minute. I think he mumbled thanks. This is the thing that gets me with your H. He seems determined to keep up appearances in front of your friends and family. Has he always been this way. I know you're looking for a new year's change, but would it be like him to maintain the status quo for others until the last possible minute?

Has he seen his Dr. lately? Is it possible that he's suffering from depression after his accident? I mean, my H pushed me away and was so cold and distant during his dep. And I know that getting help for that is tricky with a man, and it's not the cure all, but just dragging his emotions out of the hole has helped things a lot. There again, you say your H is normal around other people... is he? Has anyone else noticed a change in his moods at all?

Just some thoughts. I'm glad you had a good Saturday! You deserve it

Thanks for the note on my thread. It means much to me

Sheila

[WCW]

A long physical day today, I'm tired. Spent many hours outside putzing and working on stuff. Got a flat tire on the tractor, can't get the lug nuts loose, even after spraying with WD40. Rats. Also did a project that required each horse to be caught, so I asked a couple ladies that have horses here to come help me. It only took a couple hours that way when I had help.

H was gone hunting most all day, stopped home for an hour or two in the middle of the afternoon. I didn't even know he was home for quite a while. I could feel myself change when I saw his truck in the yard, weird. Tensed up, for lack of better explanation. H went back out hunting, and I went for a walk (fixing fence).

He seems determined to keep up appearances in front of your friends and family. For one thing, our spare bedroom is also the catch all room. So our friend staying over would be on the couch, so H couldn't hardly sleep on his usual floor in front of the couch. But for the most part, yes, he keeps up appearances so it all looks good to the unfocused eye. I can tell that even though we arrive someplace together, he keeps plenty distance after that but most people don't notice. He smiles, I smile, we're great. This has probably worked in my favor as that he cares enough not to flaunt it? but on the inside it just feels like a slow bleed making me anemic.
Has he seen his Dr. lately? Other than the specialist for his injury, no. He should, but I can't make him. All my insurance stuff recently changed at work, and he won't even pick up his new medical cards from the table. A little resentment? but why?
you say your H is normal around other people... is he? Has anyone else noticed a change in his moods at all? People noticed last year at this time when his injury was still pretty fresh, but they all knew it was just do to that. They didn't know all the rest of what was going on. Now H is very happy and makes jokes and is very well liked by many people and friends. He seems to be even working overtime to contact people and be friendly. I only know this because some of it eventually gets back to me - 'he called just to chat, to mention this or that'.

My thoughts about H today are our love languages. I've been thinking that he is physical touch, but maybe I'm wrong. I think he is words of affirmation. One thing he told me was that I ridiculed him or made fun of him. True, I made fun of him, but I thought it was all in good humor just like he did me, and lots of people. He can be a real joker. Turned out that it is okay for him to do it to other people but don't do it to him. I don't do it anymore, but I miss the teasing and playing back and forth that I thought was all in fun. And I do know that he thrives on being pumped up by what people say about him. Which goes back to appearances, and why it is so important to hide this from people so they don't talk bad about him. Can a persons LL change over months or years?

Yawn, yawn, yawn. It's early, and I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep. Sure hope I get it.

[SweetRedd]

Can a persons LL change over months or years?
Good question! Well, think about what you need and if that changes over time, depending on what you're going through in life. I've been a little confused on this myself because I know I need all the LL to be totally happy. I think maybe the book helps to zero in on the ones that are most important. And then maybe after they are met and someone feels loved at that level, the rest is the icing on the cake. I don't think it hurts to cover all of them, I think when it becomes a problem is when we're loving someone with our LL and thinking we're doing great, but they need us to love them in their LL more. It's like my H running around here cleaning because when I do things to serve him he feels loved. I think it's sweet, but if he wants to show me he loves me, he needs to focus more on physical displays of love and communication. Then there are days (like today) when going to the grocery store and dragging all the kids with him (and the only reason is so I can be quiet and restful) speaks HUGE as far as love goes.

And, I have to say that I've noticed in your posts that you get a good reaction out of your H by positive verbal reinforcement.

Have a good night!

Sheila

[optimist2004]

Hmmmm....

I have to agree with Piglet on your H's LL. Not that it's easy to tell here in cyberspace. But, you certainly seem to want the touching, massages, hugs, etc. And H seems luke warm or best in response. But, it sure sounds like he likes those words of affirmation. Have you given it a solid 2 or 3 weeks? What was his reaction?

I also have to agree with Piglet about needing ALL the LL's to an extent. I was actually thinking about that just today. It seems like I want most what is lacking most at the time. H is a hermit. I used to think he might be a touch agoraphobic (seriously). So we RARELY left the house together. So, based on that I was thinking my LL was Quality Time. But since H's last visit, the physical touching we had meant so much that I think I'm Physical Touch now. But, H is really good at acts of service. And I have to say, I wouldn't ever want to give that up, especially in my sitch, and it sure makes me feel important to him. I gues the gifts LL is probably the only one I would give up IF I REALLY had to (I love to get flowers-it makes me feel special).

Maybe your LL does change over time and maybe it's really a function of what's going on in your R. What you're missing at the moment. I imagine there's still one or two that mean the most. But, they are all really important. And, once again (this is getting redundant , I have to agree with Piglet and say that the big issue is if you're ignoring your spouses LL and assuming they just need the same thing you do.

It's kind of a bummer when all this detailed LL talk sounds like discussing the icing when you don't even have the ingredients for the cake. Darned hard to give your WAS their LL when they aren't around physically or emotionally to accept it, let alone figure out what IT is.

Hope you get some restfull sleep tonight WCW. I'm aiming at the same thing. And guess what I got S3 for Christmas...riding lessons!!!! Last month I found this riding stable and took S3 there to go purchase this riding lesson package for him. But the second we walked into the indoor arena he covered his face with his hand and started saying "I don't wanns smell it, I don't wanna smell it!" S3 is so weird about smells! It's actually very funny. He won't go in the bathroom after grandma has been in there. And I once tried to get him inside a port-o-potty...oh my goodness that did not work out. But, anyway, the arena was clean, it just smelled like manure. S3 ran out and would not come back in, so that was that.

Well, the same stables had pony rides with Santa Claus this weekend and we went back to give it a try. He went inside this time! And loved the pony ride. The trainer said last time she had a door open to an outer stall she was cleaning out, so it did actually smell stronger (I didn't notice). So now S3 is set up for his first lesson on Rocky the Pony Christmas Eve morning. Is that not the coolest thing!?!?!?!

I'm sure I am probably more excited about it than he is, but hey, he's got to fulfill my dreams afterall.

[WCW]

good reaction out of your H by positive verbal reinforcement. Very True. Lately my problem is that I know so little of what he is doing that I don't know what to give positive reinforcement about. He hasn't been on a horse for months, and isn't around much while I am riding, and I sure wouldn't mind his input. And it just wouldn't seem very genuine to say 'wow, you did a great job cleaning out the bedroom honey!' Maybe he'll help with the tractor tire. Wanna see how much I can gush about a tractor tire? geez.

Me - GAL - focus. Christmas is rushing full speed ahead. I wanted to put up some outside lights today and got so sidetracked with all the other stuff I ran out of time and energy. I guess I can do it in the dark, after all, they are lights!

[WCW]

Riding lessons! so cool! on Rocky the Pony.
The enthusiastic girl that comes here is done now until after the holidays, her mom's decision. I was thinking about sending her a gift certificate for riding time for Christmas. She did so great this last time, we put all the little steps from all the weeks together and it all made sense to her. It was cool and fun to see.

I'd love to put your son on our pony or our allarounddoanythingraisedmanykids horse. We should be closer, heck maybe we are and don't know it!

[WCW]

News - not good or bad, just news. Ordered another latch for the broken one, they will send a call tag to pick up the other one and reimburse me. The company does not take my brand of credit card, so to avoid COD charges again, I called H to ask for his credit card number. He answered the phone and said sure and gave me his number. I really debated on this before calling to ask for his help, but I decided it was in 'our' best interest for a number of reasons. Then, I almost brought up about the tractor tire, to ask if he had done anything with it, but I stopped before I got too much out and just said thanks, and goodbye. In a minute, H called back but I was on the phone from work and couldn't answer. He called the work number and left a message for me to call him back. He said he forgot to ask if I would pick up the tractor tire. He got it off and dropped it off for repair, and asked if I would pick it up. Yup, I can do that.

I've been thinking a lot about changes, and what changes I have made in myself. It's a complicated list, should it be that hard? Basically, I am the same person I was but I'm not either. geez, can't anything be simple? I also know that even though I have felt much hurt and pain from my H, I am still afraid of doing things that I think or know will hurt him. I have plenty of thoughts about it, like as stupid as I was last week, but when it comes right down to it I can't carry thru with my actions.