Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Heard from my mom this morning, step dad is doing great and will come home this afternoon. He had a stint and angioplasty (sp?) in a small vessel, would have had a heart attack soon if he wouldn't have went in. I am so glad he didn't ignore the signs any longer like he usually does. My mom and step dad both are very special the best ever parents. I selfishly want them around for a very long time to come.

amd - my goal list - the volunteer projects have print deadlines of the 10th and 15th, so that breaks some of that down. I'm working on little pieces of housework, focus on one little thing and stay there instead of flittering around on too many things, I am seeing a difference, and I'm liking it. Horse therapy is for me, but also it may encourage interaction with H if he will hang around the barn long enough and offer assistance (warmer temps coming will help too). This will also help with regaining my confidence around H again. Work - well, that's the responsibility thing, can't ignore it. Need the paycheck just as much as I need the time off.

Really? a positive attitude lately? I was so bad just 40 hours ago I am ashamed of myself and embarassed about me. I can usually get past those toughest times of struggle and come out of it without H even finding out, but the damage is done and I can't take take it back. I worry about how much it has affected H, and I wish I had not sunk so low and hurt him even more than he perceives in the past. I am sure this one won't go away, he will bring it up and use it for ammunition at his convenience.

[amd]

Your overall attitude on this thread is much more postive than the last. You'll still have bad days like we all do, but it's all part of the rollercoaster. Worrying about what's happened in the past will not serve you. It will only drain you. Worrying about the future and H's choices will do the same thing. Let the positive energy that you generate today drive you. I know this is sometimes easier said than done!!! But you can do this.

[optimist2004]

If you meet a woman who maintains a ranch mostly by herself, works outside the ranch besides, is involved in more than one community group, and whose husband has rarely spoken to her or touched her more than a year AND has an OW...what would you say to her if she said she was ashamed for feeling negative?

What would you tell that woman?

[WCW]

Ok, I am real close to posting hubby's email address or cell phone number so you can all contact him direct. Or make direct contact with a 2x4. I mean, one on one contact with him. Whatever. I suppose this still has to run it's course and I can't change that path, but I sure wish I could communicate with H, we could just talk this out and it would all be okay.

What would I say to that woman? I'd say your days are hard and may get even harder, but somehow you will get thru all this and the sun will shine again and you'll be able to smile for real. You'll make it no matter what, you'll be okay, and let me know what I can do to help. And then I wouldn't let her fade away, I'd try to contact her so she wouldn't feel alone in the world, and know that my offer to help was genuine.

Weird day here, boss got back and a guy got suspended probably will be terminated for an out of control tangent. Another guy just walked by talking about his wifes family, doesn't care for many of them, made a comment 'a tiger doesn't change his stripes'. I thought about H, can he change his stripes? I used to like his stripes, so if he can't change them then where did they go? Where did these imposter stripes come from and who took the stripes I like? I want them back NOW please.

It's warmed up to double digit temps today, and we're having a very pretty soft snowfall. The kind that you want to go for a walk and hold hands, even with your mittens on. sigh.

[WCW]

The weird day continues. I was at work and in town later than usual tonight. I was shopping again (way too much for a person who doesn't like shopping) but it was for work actually. Every year the local radio station runs a program and you can sponsor a child or family for Christmas. I called in for the business I work for and we are sponsoring a family of 5. Went shopping tonight, list in hand, for all sorts of things I have no clue what they are. Wandered around the store for over an hour, filled the cart, and pretty much completed the task.

Since I was in town so late and very hungry, I thought I'd give H a call and see if he was anywhere close to the city and we could get something to eat in town. He didn't answer, I came home. He was home within 5 minutes of my arrival time. He walked in and I said hi, he said hi, want a pizza for supper? I said sure. I don't remember just how, but he started talking about the cows, and did I want to sell any? I said we could, but why did he want too and which ones to sell? he said, a couple of reasons. He said he doesn't have money to buy more hay, he's broke, and we don't know what direction we're going. H said he always wanted a big cow herd, but he can't buy hay. We also have horses to sell, and another girl that was buying a horse now doesn't want him. He said right now he's just in the mood to load up the trailer and take them to a sale. I agreed we have more horses than we have a good use for and should sell some, but I have a hard time just dumping them at a sale. We discussed the business aspect vs the emotional aspect of selling livestock. Then we went out to do chores, came back in and ate pizza. I tried to come back to the discussion of livestock, ask about income and expenses and why he is broke, but H's mood seemed to have shifted and he had an edge in his voice again. I let it drop.

Today is Thursday, I suspect this was an OW day. I suspect H coming home with this talk is a continuance of a conversation they were having. I even suspect that her email reply today was concocted by her and H sitting right next to her. I could be way wrong about this, I hope I am.

My thoughts? I am SO ticked!!!! I dumped one mortgage payment (and not even the whole thing) on H, along with some of the extra winter expenses, and all of a sudden he's broke. I wonder why he wasn't broke when he went on all of those trips, and hunting, and buying all sorts of new toys for hunting. Now it's time to take care of bills and the place and the livestock (and I asked him if he paid the quarterly taxes a few days ago), and he's broke. I am so absolutely ticked and burning red hot about this I want to spit! It's not fair again, I just want him to carry a fair share around here financially instead of spending the majority of his money playing or buying work 'toys'. We don't even get a full round of monthly bills paid, and he says he's broke. Well, boohoo bucko, get over it. It's about time you realize the financial havoc we are in. He finally admitted he lost 6 months of income this year (I didn't remind him about the 3 1/2 from the end of last year). I asked if he's been keeping up monthly now and it's just the big event items we have to deal with, he got real edgy and said he didn't know. Well, how do you not know if you haven't paid your monthly bills? I used to handle all the finances and checkbooks, we did okay and put money in the bank. Gradually H started his own checking and took over his own bills, he never saved but I still tried. Last year he dumped it all back on me when he was injured, even running the home business and all the books. I think he was on meds and too overwhelmed about the lack of income he just turned it over. Ya know what? I did it, I got us thru those months where H's income was zero. He finally quit spending then too. It was a miracle guided by God, but every month something would come thru for us that kept us afloat. Then H started taking his things over again. I should have said no to that. And tonight here we are. H says he is broke.

I know, no one likes to talk about money or finances. But that is what tonight is about for me. H finally admits he is broke, which means we are broke, and he mentions 'what direction we are going' but won't explain or elaborate on that. I have a stepdad that just had more heart surgery following quintuple bypass 4 years ago, then stints 6 months later, then in 6 more months they redid those bypasses, now it continues again. Things are nuts at work. The wonderful season of added stress is here, it's called Christmas. And the list goes on.

What's positive? maybe after my episode the other night H has some idea of what I am going thru too. Maybe hearing that I was ready to load up his stuff was a jolt to his system. (Love Must Be Tough?) Maybe he is ready to start to talk about some of this crapola. Maybe I can figure out how to be smart enough to hold this together, and me too.

[optimist2004]

Holy Cow, WCW. That is A LOT of stress! I don't know what advice to give at all. Not, that I'm saying you should, but I'm just wondering...have you ever lost it with H over the money issue? Have you ever just told him how things need to change in that regard? How did you do it? What was his reaction?

[kml]

WCW -
Just curious - did your H sustain ny kind of brain injury in his accident? Concussion?

Ellie

[WCW]

Thanks Opti. No advice needed for this I guess. I knew it would be coming, he's been overspending for too long. I have verbalized it to him but have not gone into a fit of rage about it. He knows very well that money matters have always been an important issue to me, I grew up with a very loving mother but no money. When H works he makes good money. What I am not positive about is if it is just a matter of the months he was off, the fact that he is still not working as much, or if he is working and hiding/stashing money. I hate to think that way, but that would explain his need to keep his day to day schedule so private also. I have another worry, I came across a deposit slip for a bank that I am not aware of any account we have there. Not sure what to do about that yet.

I think spending money makes H feel powerful. It makes people look at all his things and go 'wow'! What they don't know!

I think that H had to come to this realization on his own of being broke. Just bouncing a few checks wasn't a big enough shock, it had to hit him harder than that. I am pretty sure his monthly bills are not being paid, such as credit cards, etc. But again, is he stashing cash for an escape rather than paying bills? I also believe that if we can talk about our finances and make a plan we can dig out of this and be fine. But it will take both of us working together to make it happen. Just as with the emotional side our relationship. Something has to happen to jar this guy into reality, maybe that has happened this week. I also believe that if we can talk about our marriage and make a plan we can dig out of this and be fine. But it will take both of us working together to make it happen. I can't do it by myself, and he knows that.

[WCW]

did your H sustain ny kind of brain injury in his accident? Concussion?

No, nothing to his head. That would make it more explainable, wouldn't it?

[DonH]

Okay, I'm going to take a deep breath here - perhaps you should too. Understand that my PMA has not been the best lately and may be spilling into my thoughts including about your sitch. But, stepping back and looking, I have to wonder and therefore ask: is there anything to even want to keep this R going at this point? It's almost like you are watching him pour the gas on the wood, haul in extra things to burn and it won't be until he actually strikes the match and starts the blaze that you will step in - but by then it will be too late. It really seems like you are allowing him to run your life and you are at this point a somewhat willing passanger clinging only to some hope that it's going to work out and he is going to come to his senses. Is that a good idea? Is that an accurate assessment? It seems like you are starting to get to the end of your rope in that you were about to send him packing in his camper with his stuff. I'm not sure if that is the answer either. What I do think you really should consider is going dark to the extent that you can and protecting yourself financially. In the longer term you may really need to decide wheter this person is even worthy of you. Has he ever been? If this is all new behavior, that's one thing, but it almost seems to me like many of these things are chronic.

I think so many of us get so involved in DBing that we forget to look at the reality of our sitch. I used to look at so many people and say how crazy they are for allowing their S to ruin their life and jerk them around while they more or less just went along for the ride. Now, I fear I'm in danger of becoming one of them. Only you can decide if you are as well. At the very least a thourough and honest look at your sitch with a list of pros and cons may be in order. You may find that things have gotten so crazy that you really do pull back and go dark. Ironically, it may be at that point that H finally comes to his senses. I really think he may be continuing to do what he does for one huge reason - BECAUSE HE CAN!

I hope that helps give you a different view. Please use it only as one view - not as some sort of final decision.