Hanging on/The Long Haul

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The weird day continues. I was at work and in town later than usual tonight. I was shopping again (way too much for a person who doesn't like shopping) but it was for work actually. Every year the local radio station runs a program and you can sponsor a child or family for Christmas. I called in for the business I work for and we are sponsoring a family of 5. Went shopping tonight, list in hand, for all sorts of things I have no clue what they are. Wandered around the store for over an hour, filled the cart, and pretty much completed the task.

Since I was in town so late and very hungry, I thought I'd give H a call and see if he was anywhere close to the city and we could get something to eat in town. He didn't answer, I came home. He was home within 5 minutes of my arrival time. He walked in and I said hi, he said hi, want a pizza for supper? I said sure. I don't remember just how, but he started talking about the cows, and did I want to sell any? I said we could, but why did he want too and which ones to sell? he said, a couple of reasons. He said he doesn't have money to buy more hay, he's broke, and we don't know what direction we're going. H said he always wanted a big cow herd, but he can't buy hay. We also have horses to sell, and another girl that was buying a horse now doesn't want him. He said right now he's just in the mood to load up the trailer and take them to a sale. I agreed we have more horses than we have a good use for and should sell some, but I have a hard time just dumping them at a sale. We discussed the business aspect vs the emotional aspect of selling livestock. Then we went out to do chores, came back in and ate pizza. I tried to come back to the discussion of livestock, ask about income and expenses and why he is broke, but H's mood seemed to have shifted and he had an edge in his voice again. I let it drop.

Today is Thursday, I suspect this was an OW day. I suspect H coming home with this talk is a continuance of a conversation they were having. I even suspect that her email reply today was concocted by her and H sitting right next to her. I could be way wrong about this, I hope I am.

My thoughts? I am SO ticked!!!! I dumped one mortgage payment (and not even the whole thing) on H, along with some of the extra winter expenses, and all of a sudden he's broke. I wonder why he wasn't broke when he went on all of those trips, and hunting, and buying all sorts of new toys for hunting. Now it's time to take care of bills and the place and the livestock (and I asked him if he paid the quarterly taxes a few days ago), and he's broke. I am so absolutely ticked and burning red hot about this I want to spit! It's not fair again, I just want him to carry a fair share around here financially instead of spending the majority of his money playing or buying work 'toys'. We don't even get a full round of monthly bills paid, and he says he's broke. Well, boohoo bucko, get over it. It's about time you realize the financial havoc we are in. He finally admitted he lost 6 months of income this year (I didn't remind him about the 3 1/2 from the end of last year). I asked if he's been keeping up monthly now and it's just the big event items we have to deal with, he got real edgy and said he didn't know. Well, how do you not know if you haven't paid your monthly bills? I used to handle all the finances and checkbooks, we did okay and put money in the bank. Gradually H started his own checking and took over his own bills, he never saved but I still tried. Last year he dumped it all back on me when he was injured, even running the home business and all the books. I think he was on meds and too overwhelmed about the lack of income he just turned it over. Ya know what? I did it, I got us thru those months where H's income was zero. He finally quit spending then too. It was a miracle guided by God, but every month something would come thru for us that kept us afloat. Then H started taking his things over again. I should have said no to that. And tonight here we are. H says he is broke.

I know, no one likes to talk about money or finances. But that is what tonight is about for me. H finally admits he is broke, which means we are broke, and he mentions 'what direction we are going' but won't explain or elaborate on that. I have a stepdad that just had more heart surgery following quintuple bypass 4 years ago, then stints 6 months later, then in 6 more months they redid those bypasses, now it continues again. Things are nuts at work. The wonderful season of added stress is here, it's called Christmas. And the list goes on.

What's positive? maybe after my episode the other night H has some idea of what I am going thru too. Maybe hearing that I was ready to load up his stuff was a jolt to his system. (Love Must Be Tough?) Maybe he is ready to start to talk about some of this crapola. Maybe I can figure out how to be smart enough to hold this together, and me too.