Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Thank you all for expressing your opinions, it really means a lot to me. Busy and short staffed at work again today, but I’ve read all of your comments and suggestions. I would love some time off right now, but I don't know when H is around home all day, and just my luck he'd be here the same day I would play hooky. Plus, we've been busy and short staffed, my boss is out of town........ and plenty more excuses why I need to be responsible and go to work like I am supposed too. Someday, I'll let MY MLC take over, in fact, maybe I did last night. Zen, (how was your date?) I'm not upset at all with you, give it to me like you see it. Sugar coating gets nothing but a sticky mess, and I sure don't need anymore of that. Anesyr, I sent you an email. Am I the person H met and loved? interesting, the answer is yes and no. I have to think more about it.

The additional trouble I created last night is that in subzero temps outside I easily pulled the handle right off of the trailer door. Broke slick off. Panic thoughts ran thru my head, and I decided it best to just confess to H, and let him decide if he wanted to know the whole story. I sent him a txt that said I broke the handle and he could call me or talk when he got home, he replied immediately ‘which trailer?’ I did not reply, but a few hours later he called. He wanted to know what I needed out of ‘his’ trailer. I said nothing, it was what I wanted to put it in it. Then he asked about what stuff and if it was sitting outside waiting for him. I said ‘no, it was all dumb.’ Silence. I changed the subject, then he said he’d be home in an hour. I waited up, when he came home we talked about a few other things, but then silence. Finally I said “if you have any questions or would like to talk then we should.” H had an angry tone then and said “about you loading up my stuff? What were you putting in?” I just said stuff, it was dumb. But this time I wasn’t going to just spill my guts if he didn’t ask the questions, if he didn’t care enough or have guts enough to ask me or talk to me. Not much more said, I got up to go to bed and asked for a hug, H did get up and I hugged him, he wouldn’t hug back. He sat down, I said I didn’t know if he wanted to talk or not, he said he left it open, leaned back and closed his eyes. I just said I had a really bad night, and I have a hard time understanding why it is okay for him to pick and choose what parts of this relationship he keeps. If it stays open there would be a better time to talk when he would stay awake. It may never happen, he just doesn’t want to care or give me a chance to say anything.

This morning was okay, I decided I might as well try and fix the outlet in the bathroom that hasn’t worked for a while. When I got a screwdriver his interest perked up, he was standing in the kitchen, so I went and gave him a hug and put his arm around me to hug back. He followed me to the outlet but wouldn’t help, I asked if he would pick one up but no, I should, and I said maybe with any luck I could electrocute myself tonight.

I did leave him a message about a contact I know to get a new handle for the trailer door, I will try and do that if he would let me know model etc. He called back with that information and we talked okay.

I’ve been writing down my thoughts last night and today, trying to figure out just what to say and how to say it, without making him offended or making anything worse than I have. What I don’t understand yet is why we don’t ever get to make up like other couples, like the movies or tv, I just get the sh*t but never any pudding. I don’t know if we’ll have any sort of talk about us, I pretty much doubt it unless I try and bring it up. I feel like I should explain what happened to me last night. I know H has a friend that came home and found his stuff on the steps. I don’t know if I could ever follow thru with that, maybe, but I don’t know until the time would come. I never thought I would stay married to a man who betrayed me either, until it happened.

I sold the irritating white car today. It wasn’t my plan, but I was asked this morning if it was for sale and I said yes. A guy came to work and looked at it, offered me a price, and I took it. I hate that car, I hate driving it. I haven’t driven a car for nearly 20 years. Maybe my PMA will go back up just by driving my truck. Call it vanity, I like driving my truck. No anti anything spray on it, bigAl.

I stopped tonight to run some errand and get ideas for a Christmas party we are to attend this weekend. I called a friend when I was done to ask her some more information about it, and guess who’s there!! H is there, such a small world. He was just leaving, which means by the drive time he should be home almost any minute. And, I heard her tell him see you Saturday, so I know he can't plead ignorant about not knowing this time.

There’s my day so far, with a potentially long night yet to come.