I hesitate to even post a reply to your last update, because I might be the wrong influence. So don't take anything I say too seriously, OK? What zenmaster said is definately quality advice. But I can't help identifying with your frustration and asking when is enough enough?
You have been dealing with this so long and in such close quarters with H that you can't just take a break and pretend your not in the R for a while. That is what keeps me going I think. I have been separated for a year and a half and will continue to be separated for atleast another two. I have my ups and downs like everybody, but I also have the space to ignore the fact that my M is broken right now, because H isn't coming and going.
I can see how hard it is to be hit in the face with your broken M everyday...does H come home, doesn't he, does he say anything to you, does he do anything at home.... I had to deal with this for 5 months between the time H left the house and I moved away. Having him come and go as he pleased, treating me like I didn't exist, was torture. When I left, my emotional stability immediately improved. But at that point I had already given up on the M and didn't know DB existed.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd found DR before I moved away. If I'd stayed and used DBing while H was still coming by to visit S, would it have changed things. Could I have avoided having to leave an area I liked for an area I don't? Could H and I have been back together physically now?
Maybe, but who knows how long it would have gone on. I would have been in the thick of it. Too close to the fire to get a break once in a while. And my leaving made H realize that he couldn't file for D afterall. If I'd stayed without finding DB, he probably would have filed.
Anyway, I 'm going off on a tangent about my own stuff. It just seems like sometimes there are advantages to physical separation and sometimes it might make things worse. I've heard some people on this board say not to do anything that will push WAS out the door.
I am completely unqualified to say which side of the coin you should try for. But, maybe you have an idea of what is best.
As far as your message to OW. I have a slightly different reaction from zenmaster. In a way, I think demystifying OW would help you emotionally. I can't say what it would do for your R and how your H would react. You know that best. But, if you can develop a kind of empathy for OW, it will help you. It will help you feel less like she's got something you don't. You may even start feeling pity. It may have nothing to do with whether or not H continues his R with her. But, it might help you deal with it. Of course, that all depends on how you manage contact with OW, if you can find a nonthreatening way to do it.
I know you're down in the dumps, and damn if it's not for a good reason. You've been doing this so long. You ought to be tired. I'm not recommending any course of action, becuase I just have no idea, but you DESERVE resolution. You deserve to move forward with your life. I just wish things came more easily to people who deserved them.
