Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Do I want a divorce? no, I don't. Do I want to be in this marriage where I'm not a care or concern to anyone? nothing that even comes remotely close to thinking I mean anything at all to my husband? no, I don't. I am so tired, I am so empty. I just don't know what I have to keep going on. All I have left is the tears that are flowing down my face, and the sobs racking my body. How many years do I continue to wait for a sign of care or concern from the man I love? How often does any ray of hope that I have get clouded over? How many times can I get back up when the rug is pulled out from under me? I am running below empty.

Am I sabatoging what's left? maybe I am. Maybe I am pushing for something to happen, and whatever direction it goes I deal with the consequences. I am tired of limbo. I am tired of being tired, draggin my butt through each day at work only to come home to an empty house with no love to fill it. I am tired of keeping my life a secret from everyone and having to monitor every word I say in case it gets back to H.

I don't belong anywhere, even on this BB. I don't belong in Newcomers, I don't belong in Piecing, I don't belong in Hopefulness or Separated or Surviving. I don't even belong in my own marriage, there isn't another partner of this marriage that cares if I am here.

My toes are about to become chicklets, it's horrendously cold. H stopped home for less than 10 minutes tonight. Enough time to drop his trailer (which still houses his clothes and most personal posessions) and say bye. We did have a heated discussion, but it was about an organization we are both directors of, and we are on the same side of this issue, so the heat was from both of us pointing in a mutual direction.

I suppose he didn't expect me to know he would be gone tonight, but I heard a snag of a conversation at our meeting last week about tonight. Not that he would inform me of any of his plans. While he is gone and his trailer is here, I have a good mind to just load up more of his crap and clothes and then send him a txt that when he comes home he can either come inside and be a husband or he can hook up that trailer and go down the road.

But I most likely won't. I will just continue letting myself die inside until the outside looks just the same. I am cold physically, I am cold on the inside, and I just want someone to care if I am ever warm again. I am sorry for being so weak. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.