Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Hey Sara, the banquet was pretty good, really glad I/we went. Before and after kinda sucked........ Taking advice from ROK, grumpy/snippy is not always personal against me, let it roll off, but sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.

H continued his attitude, and he got to me just a little. He received an expense check for one of our last trips, and it was less than we expected, and I questioned it. He said, "I turned in all the fuel receipts you gave me just like you said I should do." Telling me this in his irritated voice. I said "I didn't tell you to do anything, I just said here are the fuel receipts. Sorry I asked!" in my own sarcastic voice. Gee, he must have remembered that conversation, and just said he turned in the receipts instead of mileage, so the reimbursement was much less. His screw up. And he said "why are you sorry you asked?" I said "Why didn't you turn in the mileage instead? I'm sorry I asked because you have such in irritating tone in your voice and I don't need to hear it." H has a great comeback by just stutter and stammer, and then says we can verify the amount because we right down all the details in a log everytime we fuel.

A little later, off we go to have a great time at the banquet and receive awards for our horse. 45 minute drive, snowy roads, traffic, I talk about some friends and ask H questions 'cause he's in more contact with them. Conversation turns to people who came Wednesday night that H set up, and I said it would be nice if you'd let me know ahead of time when you set stuff up like that. H said, "Yeah." but I could tell by his tone he wasn't done with that......."I'll just tell anyone that calls me and wants to come use the arena sometime to call you instead and schedule it. I didn't know when they were coming." Sarcastic and snotty again. So, I let seconds tick off (because I am) and take a deep breath and reply, "Well, the guy told me he had it all scheduled with you and what time. If that's not how it was then you have different stories, and that doesn't make him right or you wrong. But you could even just say 'hey, so and so is planning to come sometime' and then it wouldn't be such a big surprise." He didn't say anymore. We rode in silence for a while, then I started whistling some Christmas tunes. I hardly ever whistle, but whistling and humming is going to be my new silence buster.

The rest of the evening went okay, nice dinner, good people to chat with, and awards. At one point after H had received numerous awards, a young lady who had been injured earlier this season received an award. She is just getting back on her feet but not riding for quite a while yet. The emcee told her that for inspiration she should talk to the man across the room who was a true comeback story from his injury last year. That was my H, and I looked at him with tears in my eyes, and I think he was teary too, and I rubbed his leg for a few seconds. A little later H had left the room (bathroom?) and they called his name again. The guy handed the next two awards to me, and said I might as well get them because behind every good man is a good woman. Cool! And later a lady came over and said she hadn't heard about H and gave me a lot of credit for bringing him back to this level. Many people would have gave up.

At other times thru the evening H and I would be talking in the same group, as he was talking I noticed the times he would use I instead of we or me instead we. More signs of the future? As we were leaving a lady pointed me out to a group of folks, and said 'she is a walking rule book, if you have any questions, ask her. She not only knows the rules but can explain them too, and I sure appreciate your help.' Wow, H turned and looked at me after that compliment, but didn't say anything. We sure act like the happy couple in front of a crowd. Once we walked out the door it was a long snowy drive home and not a single word was said between us. Once home H settled in on the couch, eating Rolaids like candy, no internet working again, and I said "thanks for the evening, congratulations on a superb job of showing the horse this year." and went to bed.

H was still sleeping on the floor when I got up this morning, but as soon as he heard me up he got up and folded up his blankets. He even grumbled good morning. Seems to be in a little better mood today, made a few comments about the news.

I am feeling sorry for H today. I can understand how he is struggling with staying or leaving, and trying to rationalize his decision to go. He can't come up with any real reasons that are so monumental to leave me, nothing that any relationship doesn't go thru from time to time, nothing that he can tell people I am so bad he just can't stay with me. But I also feel that he is getting a lot of pressure from OW, and the reason I think that is because he is acting very similar to the period of time when he and OW were in the first 8 months of their affair but I hadn't figured it out yet. He is irritable, snippy, everything I do is wrong, he wants to pick a fight about anything. Same deal as two years ago. And he's eating Rolaids like candy. It is eating him up inside.

Along with those thoughts comes the feeling that he'll be here thru the holidays, and then my instincts tells me January will see some changes for me. Can't put anything real on it, just my gut feelings and instincts. So, my dear DB buddies, when you stop by to check on things here and read what's up or down, take a minute to send me a howdy or a smiley face. I'm going to need it.