Hanging on/The Long Haul

[WCW]

Been in a funk all week, more like weeks. I think I figured it out tonight when I stopped at the store after work to pick up some needed items. I started getting happy! No, NOT because I like to shop - I dislike it greatly, but because I decided that I was going to buy the things that H needs also, not just what I required. I've not been doing that for awhile, trying to do a form of detachment and LRT, but the only one getting miserable was ME. So tonight I picked up his things as well as mine, his favorite soap, deodorant, flavored coffee, etc. As soon as I started doing these little bitty things for my husband, whether he will appreciate them or hasn't even noticed I quit doing them, it makes ME feel better. If he wants to walk away, then he is going to do it while I know that I did whatever I could to make his life happy and pleasant with me. My last thread ended in a funk, but here it is Hanging on the Merry Go Round to remind me of my 'woe is me' attitude.

Now, enough of that! Some other things that I have been changing around here is some of the outside items that I have always done. Like filling the fuel jugs for the farm equipment and the heaters, it all adds up pretty fast this time of year and gets costly. I've done those things for the history of our marriage, this year I just quit doing them and H never asked but finally picked up the jugs and took them to town and filled them. Last night I saw him load the 3 jugs for diesel fuel. The thought in my head was 'that's good, nice he is going to do that', but I didn't say anything to him. After all, he's never thanked me for all the years I did it, all he did was ask if I had done it, or set them out so I wouldn't foret. But I don't have to be like him, I don't have to treat him like he treats me, I can be better than that.

From the last thread said by AZenMaster

Remember your Love Languages? Some people are into physical affection and some are into acts of service. You've said that he is very much into having things under control and you've also said that he might be having some male confidence/MLC kinds of issues. As a guy, I know that there were tough times with my XW where I took solace, and even enjoyment, out of "getting things under control" as a way of expressing love even though I wasn't ready to *say* anything or give a hug or have sex or etc etc etc.

Might be grabbing at straws...I really don't know. But, from my perspective, you *might* be seeing some "acts of service".

I guess that is something that has been mulling around in my head a bit too...what do you think about the possibility that you guys don't share common love languages? I know you've had a bewildering time trying to bring him back to you emotionally. Maybe you aren't pushing the right buttons?

Just something to think about. Perhaps worth playing around with a bit. Then again, it might just be one of those situations where there's not a lot you can do but wait so don't beat yourself up over all of it.

We are different and the same too. We are both physical touch, we used to thrive on it and it is gone now. He loves attention and people making a big deal about him and pumping him up. I do like it if someone does something nice for me, it can make me cry pretty easy. If physical touch is gone, then what I can do is pump him up about how great he is (true, at least he was), and pick out the things he does around the place and say thanks for it.

I got so happy that I wanted to txt or call H and ask when he'd be home tonight so I could have something ready to eat. Friday is THE one night a week we always try to eat together. But I didn't call, yet. And he's not home, yet.

Okay, enough for now, I gotta get busy outside. But I was so excited that I figured this out that I wanted to share this with you and let you know I am climbing back up.

[Roktop]

Hey WcW

Keep that postive frame of mind going.

Sometimes focusing on yourself can mean you do nice things for someone else because it makes YOU feel good.

One of my greatest pleasures is doing some small service for my "xwife" not because I HAVE to but because I CHOOSE to.

ROK

[WCW]

Thank you ROK, I'll be working on that positive frame of mind!

It continued tonight as I was putting things in the proper places, and even noticed that H took the wrapper off the last deodorant that I bought for him and had put a smiley face on it. What? he doesn't like a smiley face in his arm pits? And H got home, I said a cheerful HI, and he right away showed me the receipt for the fuel he just got, and we had conversation about price of farm diesel vs diesel, where he got it, where he was before he drove there........ so we've started out better than all week already. And then!!!! he offered more information about his morning and the neighbor stopping by and the hunting season. Yup, he feeds off me, I feed off him, we send a bad vibe and it bounces back as a bad vibe. I have a lot of work to do to undo the last week/months. Geez, I would have NEVER thought shopping could EVER change MY attitude to +positive+. I really really dislike shopping. But I sure am glad I went tonight!

But I really gotta get busy outside, haven't made it out yet. BBRrrr, I'm procrastinating!

[Becca1975]

Way to go WCW!

[Phoenix_spark]

Great start!

[WCW]

Got this from my Mom today.....is she more intuitive than I give her credit for?

Letting Go of Regrets Improves Your Health

One of my mentors is Myrna, who is in her 90s and lives by the saying, “Yesterday’s history; tomorrow’s a mystery; today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.”

Myrna appreciates every little thing in her life. Every day is a wonderful day, no matter how she feels physically. Each meal is “delicious.” Each friend knows she is loved. Myrna’s secret is that she has no regrets. Regrets keep us holding on to the past. They prevent us from living in the moment and enjoying life. And they affect our health.

Letting go of emotional patterns does more than make us feel better emotionally. It can have a profound effect on our physical body. Constipation, chronic illnesses, and overeating are all patterns of not letting go. And yes, there’s an interaction between your physical and emotional patterns.

When you change any emotional pattern, other patterns change, as well. Letting go of past regrets can help remind you to not overeat during the holidays. To get enough rest. To take your supplements and eat healthy foods, especially when you’re under stress. They can remind you to have a positive outlook. And fall is the perfect time to let go of negative physical and emotional patterns.

You may be familiar with the concept of detoxifying in the spring. That’s the most common time for cleansing diets and juice fasts. But fall is the season when we prepare for winter by gently cleansing both our body and our emotions. Make letting go of any regrets a part of your fall cleanse.

How to let go

I’ve noticed that people who keep focusing on their regrets become bitter, complaining, and negative. They also tend to have health problems. Their regrets seem to be saying, “You’re stuck forever with something you can’t undo.”

It’s not easy to let go of past regrets, but Hamilton Beazley, PhD, author of No Regrets: A 10-step program for living in the present and leaving the past behind (John Wiley & Sons, 2004), has found ways that can help.

If you use this book as a workbook, and if you’re willing to let go of thoughts and emotions that work against you, you can leave your regrets behind. When you do, you’ll feel lighter, freer, and happier. And I predict your health will improve, as well.

Beazley’s program begins by describing each regret. They include those you or someone else committed but wished hadn’t happened; those you wish you or someone else had committed; incidents caused by fate; inevitable losses; and comparing yourself to someone else. My suggestion is to choose one — the one that holds you tight in its grip and causes you the most pain. After working this one through, you can choose another. Examining all of your regrets at once can be overwhelming.

Next, examine your regret. What was its cause? What were the consequences? How did it fasten itself onto your thoughts, becoming part of who you are? Look at how this regret affects you emotionally. It may cause you to be angry, frightened, guilty, shameful, in pain, or long for something you don’t have. You can’t change the past. It’s time to leave this incident, and the pain it has caused, behind.

You’ve held on to your regrets all alone, but you won’t be alone during this process of letting go. Beazley asks you to find someone you can confide in as you work each of the steps. And he strongly believes that prayer, spending time in nature, and deep breathing are all important parts of this healing. Use your spiritual connection and prayer throughout this process to help you through difficult times.

Forgiveness is the goal, not the process

Know that forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing someone’s hurtful behavior. It doesn’t mean forgiving only if the person apologizes to you. And it doesn’t mean you have to ever be friends with the person who caused you pain. Forgiveness is a gift for you, not for anyone else.

You should be happy and healthy. Often, toxic emotions and painful situations from our past become so much a part of us that we don’t even see them for what they are: regrets we can choose to let go. Let this be this year’s Fall Cleanse. For on the other side of forgiveness is compassion — a place where peace and joy reside. There is no more powerful way to detoxify.

[NNP1965]

Hi WCW, I posted on your old thread before I saw you started a new one.

I just want to say I am very proud of you for changing your mood by doing something for your H. That is really awesome! I hope the weekend continues to be positive.

[WCW]

Thanks Sara, I thought it locked up? maybe I should go back and put a link to here, naw, I don't want to go back. Forward!

In most lives, a night like mine tonight would be boring. For me, just the fact that we have had numerous conversations tonight about various subjects is a HUGE deal. The weekend looms just ahead.

[WCW]

Whew! a good nights sleep. That sure feels good! Been a while since I've slept more than 3 hours in a row, and last night I was asleep before 11pm and didn't wake up until after 5am and I don't recall waking up in between. Peace.

We have an awards banquet tonight, and other than I showed H the invitation we haven't mentioned it since. I plan to go, and it will be nice if H comes too, especially being it's him and our horse that earned the awards. I also have bad memories from this banquet a year ago. It's the night that I told H that if he was going to have more than one woman in his life I would not be one of them. He left but came back by the next night.

I also have another invitation to go out tonight, a ladys party. A lady is having a party and we are all mutual friends, including OW. I'd bet she'll be there, and if I didn't already have this other banquet I'd go too. In fact, maybe if H won't go with me to the banquet I'll change directions and go to the ladys party! Wouldn't it be great fun?

[WCW]

Weird stuff from H today. Short and snippy, then it seems like he tries not to be, but then gets abrupt. Went to town for some errands but was home in an hour. Feels like he's on edge about something, and probably is. Not much I can do about him.

I did just mention that I plan to leave about 4pm, he asked where I was going, I said ......., are you coming? He said he supposed he could. End of conversation. Should be a great date tonight. Loads of fun. I don't recall ever being drunk in my life, but maybe tonight is a good night to start. The banquet is at a hotel, I could just get a room. Maybe I could get taken advantage of?!!!