Time to re-think my DB approach. My previous thread reflected my unhappy circumstance with D approaching and then becoming final. Grappling with the Thanksgiving holiday and the approaching Christmas season looked daunting at first. But I managed turkey day O.K. between friends and my kids visiting that evening. I’ll do as well for Christmas and each step will get easier.
First of all, I do still love my XW but I know she has moved on emotionally. There is much anger in her because I fought to prevent the D and did not just roll over for it. There were also things said in anger that I regret, but that can’t be helped. My goals were directed at saving an R that no longer exists. I can say that I made necessary changes, but I honestly don’t think they would have occurred to me had I not been faced with the loss of my W and family. I am just admitting that the changes were intended to attract her back, but I benefited personally by making them.
With that foundation I will now start to rebuild “me”. I looked at my goals from months ago and started reorganizing them last night. While some goals are still a work in progress and others are in place, I have modified their priority, dropped some and added others.
After 18 years of M it is clear to me that I have actually become introverted; I have become bashful and timid in the presence of strangers regardless of sex. I don’t recall ever feeling this way but the walls I built around myself are pretty daunting. Therefore my first goal is to break out of my self-constructed prison and begin interacting again.
I have fought with my tendency towards procrastination for as long as I can remember. Before the year is out I will fight it again and this time I’ll defeat it. If I schedule something it will be done by whatever time I set. I’ll start small but build on the successes.
During the Thanksgiving weekend my attitude towards Christmas this year was, I’d become a hermit. I wasn’t going to put up a tree or anything. I’d buy a gift for the bambinos but that’s all. I have always loved Christmas and this year will be no different. This D left my finances in a shambles but I can still show those I love that I remember them and do care. I will celebrate, I will decorate, and I will enjoy the season.
The XW will buy a artificial tree, something she always wanted. I always insisted on the real thing and she just hated the needles. My real tree will be, albeit small, awaiting my kids to come decorate it. Hers will be perfect, with each item and tinsel placed just so.
So, there it is. I begin my journey tonight. By the way, her birthday was last week and I left a small present and a card hanging on the front door. I didn’t know if she would accept it or throw it away. I took the boys to dinner tonight and they said she liked it (a Santa with a candle inside) and has it displayed with the card nearby. Progress? Who knows. If it leads to nothing but friendship, that's O.K.
Quote: I have fought with my tendency towards procrastination for as long as I can remember. Before the year is out I will fight it again and this time I’ll defeat it. If I schedule something it will be done by whatever time I set. I’ll start small but build on the successes.
I have fought with my tendency towards procrastination for as long as I can remember. Before the year is out I will fight it again and this time I'll defeat it.
Why not do it today?
Have you read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns? Has a good section on procrastination and how to overcome it. It examines why we put things off; the reasoning processes that we engage in that lead to that; how to see how that tricks us and how to break through it.
Well, the rebuilding continues, but I got quite a shock this morning. My XW got married over the Thanksgiving holiday! A month or so after she dropped the bomb an anonymous phone caller told me she was having an affair and who with. She denied it and I believed her. STUPID! She was and she married him. Only 60+ days after the D was final, as is required by Alabama law.
What a sucker I am! But now I am done and will move to Surviving the big D. Right now I hate her and would take great pleasure in beating the c@#p out of the adulterer she married!
AV8R, I've been following your sitch as I try to learn on this BB. My condolences for your loss.
If it brings any comfort then know that this new relationship is built on feet of clay. Imagine being in a relationship that is built on lies, deceipt, and oathbreaking. These aren't people to hate, they are people to pity. Through their actions they've shown themselves to be subhuman. Lacking in the capacity for for true love.
Focus on your kids. They will need your love and guidance. Their mother has not only deceived, lied and cheated on you, she has done the same to them.
From your posts I see that you have a lot going for you. You're quite the catch and after you're done grieving I can imagine the flock of ladies that will be available for a ride in the sky.
Today is the first day of your awakening. I hope you have nothing but clear skies and tail winds for the rest of your life.
A month or so after she dropped the bomb an anonymous phone caller told me she was having an affair and who with. She denied it and I believed her. STUPID! She was and she married him. Only 60+ days after the D was final, as is required by Alabama law.