Yes, I have thought about this a lot and I to am seeing this as a huge Danger sign. The more I thought about it I came to a conclusion that I guess I really love hearing validation that I still have it. That I am still attractive to the male species.
One thing I have done is I decided to be honest with my husband. I told him in a letter how I have been feeling. I told him I just didn't think I could remain in a faithful marriage when our intimate life as a couple was this terrible. I told him I constantly feel I am missing so much. I told him I feel I am on the verge of having an affair. I asked him if he loved me to reach out and pull me back in before that happened. I told him how weary and tired I have become of being the one to try and save this marriage. I told him I needed him to step up to the plate.
He never mentioned this letter as usual. I know he read it. But he hasn't said a word. Things have been okay. But he has made no real effort that I can see.
But what scares me even more is in my mind I feel myself justifying flirting or having an affair even more. Because I made him aware and he has done nothing.
You said you can't live like this, so do something about it. Leave if you must, but holding an affair over his head (I will do this if you don't step up to the plate) is disgusting.
How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? That's really a horrible thing to say/do to another person.
Leave him! He doesn't want what you want and you are not willing to work WITH him. Both of you are miserable with the other and an affair will only make things worse.
For your next letter, why don't you write something like: Either we go to marriage counseling and work through our problems, or the M is over.
If the shoe was on the other foot I would feel grateful he was 100% honest with me. I would feel grateful that he gave me the chance to try and turn things around. I would feel grateful to him for pointing out my flaws in the marriage so I knew what to work on or what he saw as problems. I would feel grateful that I didn't have to guess as to what his issues were.
I didn't word the letter exactly as I wrote here. But the letter was meant to be honest basically of how lonely I feel.
See Honey you are lucky in the fact that your husband responds to you. He loves you and shows you his love. I know it wasn't always an easy road for you. But everyone here needs to remember I have doing this for 8 years. We all go through stages and very sadly this is a stage I am at. I have tried to suggest counseling. Whenever I try to talk to him he says nothing at all. He won't respond to nothing. I have tried as hard as I have tried because I didn't want to go through a divorce. I made vows before God when I said I do. I love my husband yes. But I just don't know how strong that love is.
Cally, I'm not saying that I was never tempted to have an affair. Hell yes I was. And I *craved* validation, just as you do.
But I never got started on the slippery slope of trying to justify it, cause it's not right no matter how you slice it. Leave if you must, but don't tarnish your OWN reputation because H won't work with you.
In addition to that, if I had ever told H that he could either step up to the plate or I'd have an affair, he would have told me to f*ck off, in no uncertain terms. That is a horrible thing to do/say, and it has nothing to do with my husband responding to me. Nothing good can ever come from a threat like that, kwim?
I get what you're saying about not wanting to divorce but, believe me, God hates adultery just as much so your logic is getting a little fuzzy.
I know your mind is jumbled up right now; I'm just encouraging you to do the right thing so that you are able to hold your head high down the road.
I can relate to what you said...I told my H the same thing. Well my words were...."it scares the hell out of me that I now understand why some people have affairs that still love their spouse." I also told him in a C session that same thing and that I did have a boundary, but that boundary line was constantly moving. Now...in hindsight...that was womanese, he was probably going ?????? I, like you and Honeypot, also craved attention, validation etc....but the fact is you want those things from your H if you want to stay M. If you want to find it from some other man...get out.
I'm going to agree with Honeypot though. You've told H how you feel, you told H you feel you are on the verge of an A, you've told him you don't think you can remain in the M the way it is. So now, if he doesn't take action.....move out, or move him out...whichever, but don't allow his inaction to justify an affair. Cally if you have been doing this for 8 years use the M as your boundary, if he doesn't do anything then show him you are serious by separating, not by cheating. Cheating will only do damage, it's not a boundary....and if you cheat, you cannot put it off on him, it's YOUR choice.
Ladies....you are very very right and I am hearing you loud and clear. I am honestly ashamed that I feel this way. I feel so lonely.
One thing that has kept me strong in not acting on this is..I will picture my children and think to myself how could they have any respect for me if I did something like that.
He has been a little more loving I guess. But then I think I want something major to happen something big. Something concrete like some good communication. I don't see that then I start backing way off and act cold and try to distant myself. Maybe if I could learn to be patient and maybe take notice of the small things. I am so not a patient person so I do realize my faults in this.LOL
Hang in there. Do you have a best friend you could spend time with? Could you go to dinner with some girlfriends? Do something that helps you feel good.
Gel...we haven't been to counseling yet. I have asked him if he would be willing and he responded by not saying anything as usual. I figured with the added expense of christmas I would wait until after the holidays. I was looking into his insurance. And if not mistaken it looks like it will cover some of it. So I am going to make the attempt to ask him again. The thing with my husband that is so frustrating is you can ask him things and he just completely ignores me. He won't say a word. He acts this way with subjects he doesn't want to talk about. LOL I could ask him the scores of the NFL games and he would talk and talk and talk.lol
Do you want him to take you seriously? Don't ask...do it. Find a C, make the appointment....and tell him when and where the appointment is, if he doesn't want to go...you go anyway. My guess is though that since he hasn't responded yes/no when you asked before...he'll probably go.
But then I think I want something major to happen something big. Something concrete like some good communication. I don't see that then I start backing way off and act cold and try to distant myself. Maybe if I could learn to be patient and maybe take notice of the small things. I am so not a patient person so I do realize my faults in this.LOL