I feel the need to ask this, this guy knows you are married right? I know what it's like to have guys at work pay you attention....there are several I work with that do that as well, but every single one of them know I am married.
And....why did you tell the guy "no I'm shopping" and not "no thanks, I really appreciate that but I'm married."?
You are on a road to destruction. If another man was able to get up the nerve to ask you out, against everything thing he knows about not getting involved with a married woman, then it tells me you are advertising the fact that you want someone. If you have good strong, respectable boundaries, he would have never got the idea that you would even be open to such an invitation. You need to take a hard look at yourself. This is the second man you’ve mentioned that is interested in you. How many others are there?
It sounds to me like you purposely flirt in front of other men and get them interested just to make your husband jealous. It also sounds to me like he has much better boundaries than you and knows enough not to play your game. If you are going to flirt, there is little he can do to stop you. Chasing after you is a losing proposition. If he does show jealousy, you will keep upping your level of flirting to get more attention from him. Other have already told you that you are playing with fire. What is it that you cannot see?
Regarding this weekend, why in the world do you think he should do anything for you? What did you do for him? Why are your focusing only on yourself? I told you before you are selfish. Is asking him to do things FOR YOU a way to not be selfish? Go read up on narcissism. This website (click here) has a lot of free info. There are plenty of books out there too. See how much of yourself is reflected in these articles. It is very destructive and unless you see what you are doing, all the advice people are trying to give you here will just go in one ear and out the other.
Perhaps you need to take a look at your own thoughts to and take a look at your own marriage. Am I correct you think unless your wife has kissed your butt and met all your needs then you won't do anything at all for her? To say I am selfish because I asked a couple things of my husband is absurd. Because here is how I look at it....We are BOTH working. We BOTH have children. We BOTH have bills to pay. We BOTH have responsiblities. In my opinion when both spouses work they should both chip in to do their share of responsibilities. The couple calls I asked him to make were for finances he screwed up. Out of the say 10 things we pay a month I asked my husband to pay one thing. All the rest I pay out of my wages. He screwed up that one thing and expects me to clean the mess. And the few things I asked him to clean up were very little in comparison to all that I had cleaned before going to work an 8 hour shift. This is something WE AGREED upon before I got a job. That he would do 50% of the responsibilities in the home. Now that I am working he is going back on his agreement. Perhaps YOU ARE old fashioned that you believe a wife should work and do ALL the cleaning and every other responsibility.
To address the flirting.......I don't flirt in front of my husband. Truth be told he probably don't know they do. I don't feel I want to make him jealous. I actually could care less right now. Cally today is full of resentment towards him.
You see I was SAHM many years. Blamed the SSM on myself many years. Never went out or did things much. Now I am in a sense in the real world. Where there are other men and meet other couples. To see this kind of attention since I have been working has been in a sense shocking to me. It has made me take closer looks to see if my marriage is worth this fight. It has made me stronger in a sense and helped my self esteem that was zero before being out in the world again.
I gotta agree with cobra and GEL-- what earthly good can come of your enjoying the attentions of these men? It doesn't help your marriage. If you want to date, then leave your husband. If you want to work on your marriage, then slam and lock this flirtation door. This is pointless, erodes your self-respect, and gets you nowhere.
Did it ever occur to you that these men flirt with you ONLY because they know you're married, and if you were available, they wouldn't give you a second look? You're starving for love and attention-- I know that. But what you're getting from them is like styrofoam food-- it's empty of nouishment and will cause indigestion.
So how does flirting with other men hold up your end of the agreement, and what does my situation have to do with you? You are trying to turn the argument around, which is a common tactic. Stop it and focus on YOU. All you are doing is focusing on him. It’s easy to do and I would really prefer to do just that myself (focusing on my wife’s faults, which are many) but it doesn’t help me move forward.
I didn’t say your making requests of him was selfish, but your making requests and not reciprocating on your end is selfish, especially after sticking the other man in his face. You may not flirt with other men in front of your H, but I doubt he is ignorant of this part of you. And you are still doing it to feel good about yourself and get back at him.
You are the one on this board. You are complaining about your R. It sounds like he is content to let things die. You know he has already detached from the relationship. Your reply is all about what you are entitled to. He doesn’t owe you one single thing. He’s ready to walk out. These are the facts and they have nothing to do with whether I am old fashioned or not. It has nothing to do with me at all. You may not like it, but you’ve got to deal with it. And you are partly responsible for creating it.
If you didn’t go out much while a SAHM, whose fault is that? You had a choice at the time. Don’t blame it all on him. Now you are more aware. Good for you. But stop dredging up the past.
So what are you going to do to entice him to do his part? Maybe getting a 2x4 will help, there are times when I’ve had to use one. You need to decide whether this is right for you. Just know that once you do use it, you’ll have a hard time taking it back. Did id you tell him what you said here regarding the finances? If so, how did you say it? What was your tone? What did he say in reply?
Quote: I am feeling rather guilty because I got asked out at work the other night. Of course I didn't go. BUT a big part of deep down really wanted to. There is this guy at work that is so good looking. He has had his heart broke once before and has only had one serious girlfriend. He likes me and I can so tell it. I guess he finally got up the nerve to ask me. I was dumb founded and taken by surprise when he asked I was like um no I am going shopping after work. It felt soooo good to have someone show me attention. My husband hasn't shown any interest in soooo long. I hold fidelity so strong of a value. I was really embarrassed at how this attention made me feel.
Going shopping after work? WTF? Going shopping?
How about, "get lost, creep. I'm married."
You know, I b!tch a lot about Ms.Hdog on this board, but I am quite certain that she would have told the punk to take a hike.
You're heading down a dangerous road Cally. Turn back while you can, or just be honest with yourself and your husband and cut and run, legally.
Hairdog, (because Nopkins shouldn't have to be the only one who ferrets these out)
I really hope you are paying attention to the responses you are getting regarding OM and these guys at work. People are being honest with you on how this appears, and how you appear to be motivated to seek out attention.
Take a step back and be honest with yourself.
Why didn't you just tell the guy who asked you out that you were married? Just a gut reaction from me here....but you didn't say that and that leaves it open for the guy to ask you again, why?
Cobra......I do reciprocate all the time!! That's the trouble. I do it all he does nothing. I am tired and I mean that literally. As far as him helping around here I am not making any demands that weren't agreed upon before the dynamics of our relationship changed and I began working.
Listen I realize you all are trying to help. I am just being honest. I am with people who understand what it is like to be in SSM. A lot of us have went through many stages. I am very very against affairs. I know it was wrong to not have said no I am married. That's why it is weird. I thought I would never be capable of ever having an affair ever. It scared the hell out of me because my first reaction wasn't get lost. I felt disappointed in myself. It has caused me to reevaluate my relationship. Maybe I have just had enough? Maybe I am so attention starved it has changed my morals?
I do put a lot on my husband as far as I feel HE has let this aspect of the relationship down. Part of me feels what does he expect? But then thank god part of me still says I am responsible for anything that I do. Part of me still realizes I have my own things I need to work on.
I know you feel ganged up on here...but rest assured, many of us know exactly where you are at right now...and that's probably why we are trying to give you a reality check...we've been there too.
Right about the time I started posting here I had someone pursuing me heavily....he knew I was married too. However he made it quite clear he intended to steal me away from my H. It just so happened to be the business partner of my late fiancee....a man in many ways very much my type. I didn't ask for his attention, but it came my way....I didn't encourage it, but I still got it. Eventually it became apparant to me that I was looking forward to it. I wasn't emotionally attached to this person, didn't do anything wrong at all....but I realized at that time that I, was actually beginning to understand how people have affairs and still loved their spouses. That scared the he!! out of me! I am a person who is dead-set against affairs, if I could understand how it could be done....and I could actually see how it could be justified....exactly where was my line in the sand? Could I be sure I wouldn't have a weak moment? If I did....who could blame me? That type of thinking.
It dawned on me that this was a HUGE danger sign. This man was providing me with the attention my H should be providing me. If he was doing that, then at what point would I become vulnerable to an affair? The fact was...I was already vulnerable. Once I realized that I put a complete end to any possible contact from this man. He could no longer phone me, he could no longer e-mail me. Any gifts I received were sent back or trashed. (For those of you reading this.....this was always a one way thing, I never contacted him.)
That is my reason behind flashing those warning signs for you cally. FWIW....I constantly reevaluate my M. So far fortunately for my H I'm still very much committed to it....but if someday I reevaluate and find I'm not, then I will have had enough and I will know it's time for me to move on.
